Why we are neither horseshoes nor hand grenades

After the absolutely lovely responses to my last post I particularly hate to do this, but it was starting to feel dishonest not to post an update. I never wanted to write this, but E and I broke up. I broke up with him. And though I'm starting to feel more resolved about it, it took a little while to get here. Basically, though I was utterly and completely in love with the E who was Rachel's boyfriend, the E who was perfect on paper and lovely and caring and sweet, I realized I was not in love with E as a person who exists and walks around in the world independently of me. That E is a fine person, and I have no problem with him, and I wish him all the best. But I wasn't in love with him, and I couldn't see us sharing a life together. We just weren't entirely compatible. It was very close, but ultimately we were a mismatch.   

He did not feel the same way. He was ready for us to spend the rest of our lives together, and my about-face took him by surprise, and he was very hurt. That was hard. He said all the right things, and that only made it harder. I broke his heart and mine too. I shed a lot of tears, and so did he. The difference is I knew I was making the right decision.

For the moment, I am enjoying having my weekends to myself, to read and clean and watch movies and futz about exactly as I want to. I thought I would feel lonely, and I suppose I do, but no more than usual. I thought I would be lonelier. I am surprised by how normal I feel. I am not ready to date again. I don't know when I will be, and I'm ok with that. 

Life is life, eh? Thanks for reading, and for all your kind comments. You're all the best. 


  1. I'm actually very sad :(
    I'm glad you're OK.
    Maybe it's more than you're not ready to commit?

  2. Sometimes you just know whether it's wrong or right. I believe that.
    A lot of times when one party feels/knows it won't last, they continue the relationship until someone else comes along. I really respect that you did what was fair to the other person and yourself.

    I've been reading you for a while and comment from time to time and I'm always rooting for you. :)

  3. Bravo for the courage to recognize and change things which aren't right. That's not easy to do. Enjoy the relief of time to do as you please. Futz about with abandon!

  4. I have read your blog for a long time and this is HUGE. You used to want a boyfriend so badly and put up with a lot of bad behavior--and now you have the self-confidence to make a tough decision and end something that isn't right for you. I salute you, Rachel--you have grown a lot. Even though in some ways this is a sad thing, it is also a very good thing. I am positive you will find the right person sooner rather than later.

  5. Oh man! I just read both of your "new" posts and I was so happy for you.... and I still am. Good for you for making such a brave choice! I miss reading your Diary - thanks for the updates!

  6. Very good idea to stop it now. Saves you both so much time and heartache. Well done! I raise my glass of ....well, it's morning, so I raise my glass of blueberry juice to you!


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