Sunday, March 23, 2014

Why we are neither horseshoes nor hand grenades

After the absolutely lovely responses to my last post I particularly hate to do this, but it was starting to feel dishonest not to post an update. I never wanted to write this, but E and I broke up. I broke up with him. And though I'm starting to feel more resolved about it, it took a little while to get here. Basically, though I was utterly and completely in love with the E who was Rachel's boyfriend, the E who was perfect on paper and lovely and caring and sweet, I realized I was not in love with E as a person who exists and walks around in the world independently of me. That E is a fine person, and I have no problem with him, and I wish him all the best. But I wasn't in love with him, and I couldn't see us sharing a life together. We just weren't entirely compatible. It was very close, but ultimately we were a mismatch.   

He did not feel the same way. He was ready for us to spend the rest of our lives together, and my about-face took him by surprise, and he was very hurt. That was hard. He said all the right things, and that only made it harder. I broke his heart and mine too. I shed a lot of tears, and so did he. The difference is I knew I was making the right decision.

For the moment, I am enjoying having my weekends to myself, to read and clean and watch movies and futz about exactly as I want to. I thought I would feel lonely, and I suppose I do, but no more than usual. I thought I would be lonelier. I am surprised by how normal I feel. I am not ready to date again. I don't know when I will be, and I'm ok with that. 

Life is life, eh? Thanks for reading, and for all your kind comments. You're all the best.