Internet, I had an epiphany the other day. It was the kind of earth-shaking realization whose indisputable truth rocks you to the very core. You may be surprised when I tell you that at the time of this life-changing event, I was slumped on my couch in front of an episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, a show that I love and hate mostly in equal measure. I was certainly not prepared for my entire perception of reality to be changed, but suddenly, there it was, and it was called: the D.E.N.N.I.S. system. And here I must ask, nay, insist that you watch this clip from the show that forever changed my life:
If you did, in fact, watch the clip, then you probably have some idea of where I'm going with this. If you didn't (and seriously, what's your problem?), let me summarize for you:
Dennis (a bit of a cad, let's say) presents his fool-proof system for getting a woman to love him forever, in the form of a convenient acronym. And here is where my jaw began to drop. Because, though I never knew it had a name before, I've been D.E.N.N.I.S.ed! I've been D.E.N.N.I.S.ed over and over again! The first step of the D.E.N.N.I.S. system, you see, is for the man to:
Tall man cooking me dinner? Boom. Value demonstrated. Next is:
Ummm, guilty. Then comes:
Dennis recommends slashing her tires so that she has to depend on him for rides. It never came to vandalism in my case, although if we're talking emotional dependence, I was, of course, totally guilty. Which leads us to the next step:
Dun dun dunnnnn... Been there. Have the blog post to prove it. But! It's not over yet folks, because first, he will definitely:
Hope! Glorious, life-giving, oh sweet, sweet hope! Yes, perhaps things are not over after all! Perhaps there is still a chance for a happily ever after! Maybe he was just scared! I knew it! Is it over? Is it not? Who knows, because we're in purgatory here and you just can't kill that teeny, weeny last kernel of hope! But of course it is over, because the last and final step of the D.E.N.N.I.S. system is, obviously:
Pretty self-explanatory. At this moment it finally becomes clear that things are never, ever going to change. Either she stops taking his calls or he stops taking hers, but either way, it is, without a doubt, totally and completely over...
...Or is it????
Because, as Dennis says, if you have performed steps 1-6 above properly, you can get her back at any time. At any time! Scoff! As if, ladies, amiright? Except...
...Oh. Yeah. Actually, he can. And just when you think you are immune to disappointment (after all, surely he "learned his lesson" the first time around!), he will cycle through the whole thing again, probably even faster this time, only for you to end up at exactly the same place as before, and this time you will feel even more like an idiot for letting it all happen again.
Episode over. Mind blown. Guys are dicks. The end.