Saturday, February 4, 2012

Why people who live in glass houses...should really invest in bullet-proof glass

Don't deal drugs, kids. Or live near people who do.
I woke up this morning unsure if I was hearing knocking on my front door, and still half asleep, was not entirely motivated to find out. A little while later I got up, showered, and checked my email. There was one from my neighbor, checking in to make sure I was still alive (I'm paraphrasing) after last night's "incident." I was unaware of an incident, but upon venturing out of my apartment found the building's glass front door had been shattered and a bullet hole shot clean through the center. The corresponding bullet had lodged in the wall across the lobby mere feet from my own front door. 

My parents? Are scheduled to arrive for a visit tomorrow. Their timing, as usual, is impeccable. It's like they have a nose for this kind of thing. I'm sure they'll be totally calm and understanding about it, if by "calm" you mean "the opposite of calm" and by "understanding" you mean "they will never, ever let me hear the end of it."

"You're going to get shot," my dad dourly predicted last summer in an effort to dissuade me from moving to the city. So you can see why it is of the utmost importance that they never, ever find out about this. Good lord. I need excuses, people. Do I let them come and try to explain it away, somehow? My friend Stephen says to tell them it's from a baseball. (A baseball?) Do I suddenly become too sick for a visit? My sister says no, they are really looking forward to coming, and it will be fine. Fine, she says! You don't give them enough credit, she says! (I know what's really going on here, which is that she wants the house to herself for a few hours, and so I don't know if she can be trusted.)

Internet, what would you do?


  1. Replies
    1. sorry, that's what i was going to say too! so not helpful, i know!! good luck!

  2. Oh gosh. Oh gosh.

    We live in the city too.
    Let's face it. We live in the ghetto. And right after we moved into our house, someone was MURDERED a block away. And I didn't tell my mom. Nope. She read about it in the PAPER.

    But I digress.

    I mean, they're coming. You might as well them come and prove to them that you're really fine? That even though something bad happened, you weren't injured. And you have nice neighbors! People checking up on you! That's a plus!

    Good luck! :)

  3. Tell them you were the one who accidentally shot the glass door with your new Glock while trying to burn off some rage. They'll leave you alone.

  4. Ok, there a wood door behind the glass? If so, just take a baseball and throw it at the bullet hole, which will destroy the hole and let you tell them it's a baseball accident.

    Or, look them in the eyes and say "There are certain dangers of living here; there are dangers associated with living anywhere. I am an adult and choose to accept the dangers, together with the benefits, of living here."

  5. I had a shooting in my building this week too. Twins!

  6. tell your parents the truth. You can't really explain away a hole in the wall caused by a bullet. Its pretty obvious. But you should do things to avoid being shot. IE don't locate furniture in line with the front door etc. Chances are, these are low calibre rounds and not capable of doing much once they penetrate a door or wall.

  7. Plywood saves the day!!

    "Door broke." Shrug. "Dunno." No prob!

  8. Yeah, you can't have holes in windows in February. That shit needs immediate repairs. But it looks like you got plywood-hooray!

    And also, if your parents are all "you're going to get your ass shot" tell them bullet wounds are the new tattoo and make fun of them for being lame and suburban. "This is the 21st century, Parents. I'm like the only person I know without a bullet wound. I know a guy though who was going to hook me up, but the homeless man that was supposed to shoot me missed and hit the door. Don't worry, though, I'll have one by May. Just like all the cool kids in DC."

  9. Thank god for plywood! Now, it could be anything. Just tell them you got crazy with a drill bit on the wall outside of your apartment.

  10. Stick strips of tape on it so it looks like the glass cracked!

  11. In any case, be safe!!

  12. Crack a good bottle of cheap red wine, get Fear's album the Record and play I Love Livin' in the City.

  13. Well, First of!!! you need to move. Second, don't lie to your parents and just tell them the truth; you will suffer their speech for 20-30min. but it will be over before you know it. Plus it will be worth it as they will show how much they care about you:)(And trust me, you do need that. Stop Denying it:))

    Be safe

  14. Just remember, is an illusion.