Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Why my tolerance for awkwardness is building to dangerously high levels

The other day my boss called me into his office. Not my boss, but her boss. The Boss. (Not to be confused with Springsteen, though if they have anything in common it's probably that they both bathe regularly in swimming pools full of money (or so I can only assume)). And why is it that on the rare occasion when I am called back there is always a small part of me that secretly hopes it's because I'm doing such a fantastic job and he wants to give me a raise? Spoiler alert: nope. But I guess you don't make swimming pools of money by giving people raises.

"Have a seat," he gestured, barely looking up from his computer. I did, and finally he sighed and turned to face me. "So, I know you and [Not-So-Secret Admirer] are dating," he said. 

"We're just friends," I said, my hands flying up unbidden to form the universal symbol for No. Stop. Wait a minute.

"Well, that's not what I heard," he said.

The over sharer in me desperately wanted to tell him that we haven't even kissed, and that where I come from, people who hang out and don't kiss are called friends, but luckily the rational and professional part of me jumped in just in time, and I said nothing. 

"Well, I know that you went to a party at his house," he said.

I wanted to say that a lot of people went to the party at his house, but as I opened my mouth to speak he held up his hand in the universal symbol for You will let me speak, minion.

"Anyway, it doesn't matter. The point is, you work with payroll, and a lot of other confidential information. You hear a lot of things in this office that should never, ever leave the office." He continued on in this vein, as I nodded, of course, of course, a bit stunned, and assured him that I was "very discrete." (I could have chosen any adjective in the world, and the one I landed on in that moment makes it sound like I spend my free time trolling for dates in the "Casual Encounters" section of Craigslist. Great.) "We're just friends," I concluded, for no apparent reason at all (and why do my hands keep doing that?) He grunted, which I took as my signal to leave. 

In other news, work continues to suck.

UPDATE: Sitting on posts for a week is never a good idea, as they are sure to become rendered utterly and completely moot by the time I get around to posting them. Case in point: Not-So-Secret-Admirer is quickly becoming ancient history by now, as I've never seen anyone pull a faster slow fade. And if you think rejection gets any easier when you're not sure if you're particularly attracted to the person, let me fill you in--it still sucks. 

Meanwhile, if anyone needs any confidential payroll data, you know where to find me.      


  1. It seems to me that your boss is coming pretty close to crossing into your private life, a place he has no right to be.

  2. I'm with Stephen on this. Hopefully, afterwards, he realized how silly and inappropriate that was.

    PS. How much does Joey make? You know Joey, the guy that sits near that other guy?

  3. I would guess that THE Boss also had a conversation with N-S-S-A and that caused the slow fade, not "true" rejection. Clearly, Boss believes what he wants to believe.

  4. Agree with Stephen. Boss didn't really have any right to listen to office gossip about who you may or may not be dating. He could have easily called you into his office to give you a general reminder that you work with confidential information and need to be sure you're always careful about not sharing it. Instead he's all "Deny it all you want. I have my ways." What a tool.

    I will say this. Whenever I'm called into my boss' office, I ALWAYS assume that I've done something horribly wrong and am going to get fired. Even though I've actually gotten the whole "we think you're doing a great job and want to give you a raise." I still always, always think that it's going to be bad. There are very few emails I hate getting more than "can I see you in my office?"

  5. I agree with the other commentors, that seems pretty inappropriate. Even if this company has a policy about co-workers dating, he should have just supplied you with said policy and been done with it once you said you weren't dating.

  6. Do you work at Dunder Mifflin? I love the "talk to the hand" move he gave you. I bet he was patting himself on the back after you left thinking how awesome he is at managing his office peons. The other commenter said it right - what a tool.

  7. How much do you make? Hourly, I mean. Or annually. Do you weigh more than you used to? Do you floss?

    Just curious.


  8. My response: It's none of your fucking business what i do outside of work and who i do it with, comprende... if you don't like it fire me asshole and then you can talk to my lawyer, capiche?

    Bosses are assholes, hence why i do my best to avoid them and frighten them.

  9. This is so not cool and makes me mad. The fact THE BOSS made you sit there and listen to what "he heard" rather than letting you speak your mind. At that point I would have said exactly what you wanted. More so for the fact he clearly had no intentions of believing what you had to say.

    What you do outside of hours they pay you have nothing to do with him. And the people who are "hearing things" should be held accountable. They clearly do not have enough to do with their time AT WORK if they have time to make up shit and give it to the boss.

    I hate your boss. and ya, I'll take some of that payroll data thanks.