Monday, January 9, 2012

Why I blame this on the fact that I didn't start drinking until I was 21...and a half

In answer to the question that I know has been on everyone's minds (but only if that question happens to be, How was the dinner party, Rach?!), I believe it can best be summed up in the following text conversation, which took place slightly before midnight on Friday night: 

Me: Effbwtf

Not-So-Secret Admirer: What the hell does that mean?

Me: Fucj
Me: Non.orwndinner parties edver

NSSA: Rachel I have no idea what u r trying to say!

Me: Sok
Me: I'm nevwr dinking agasinn
Me: Fcjn

NSSA: That I understand. How much have u had?

Me: Dunnoo
Me: Too much?

NSSA: Where r u?

Me: Jhome. No worry
Me: Such is the. Besuty of dinner party on secind floor
Me: Sorry

NSSA: It's fine, I think its adorable.

Me: Omg. So not
Me: Never. Been bso dru k
Me: And pukey

NSSA: Uh oh. Do u have water?

Me: I do bjut no hel;p
Me: Too bllate
Me: Will be sorryt tomorrow

NSSA: I know but keep drinking it and take aspirin or you'll be very unhappy tomorrow

Turns out, we were both right. It was too "bllate," and I was very unhappy the next day. You want to know the worst part? I didn't even make it through dinner. It was sometime before the dessert course that my internal Danger! Threat imminent! sensors started going off, and I was all, "Well, it's been real, guys, but I think I'm going!" I was out the door so fast you could practically see the cartoon speed lines coming off my heels. (Not stink lines! Speed lines! It's different!) At least no one can accuse me of overstaying my welcome. 

But I guess that's what happens when you combine two of my favorite alcohols in one intoxicatingly delightful beverage. (Gin! and champagne! and Cointreau, oh my! And it has French in its name, and I speak French! Clearly this was a match made in heaven. I will have two, and then some more sparkling wine, and then some more wine, please.) This is a recipe I recommend only if you are ok with yakking. ("Just like a nineteen year old!" my sister said when I told her. Which I thought was pretty condescending coming from someone who recently threw punches at some dickhead in a bar. (He called her fat, and so he deserved it.) (She's  not fat, but that's not really the point.) She hits like a girl, as it turns out, but did get herself a pretty good goose egg in all the kerfuffle. Is not in a position to judge, is my point.)

New Year's resolution 2012? Learn how to drink like a grown-up. Or at least find a safer signature drink. (I hear Long Island iced teas are good?)           


  1. Long Island Ice Teas are definitely good.

  2. Oh dear. Champagne is such a cruel, cruel mistress.

  3. HAHAHAHA!!!!

    I don't drink -- at all. I never acquired a taste for any alcoholic beverage. Also: not a fan of puking.

  4. What kind of dinner party was this? Did you eat? Make sure you eat a lot as you drink-- if not, you're a goner. And moderation, Rach, moderation!

  5. Oh gosh no, LIITs have like 5 different kinds of alcohol in them, don't they? I've read a few times that dark-coloured spirits like whiskey and rum have more toxins in them, so I avoid them assiduously (don't like the taste either, which helps). It doesn't exactly stop me getting hangovers, but I'm convinced it can't hurt.

  6. I will teach you how to drink like a professional, believe me i know these things, i will also teach you how to handle your liquor and on the rare occassions when you overstep your boundries how to yak like a master vomiter, nominal fees may apply...

  7. Haha. That was me New Years Eve. Start it with a BANG I say! ;)

    I assume you feel better now, but I am sorry to hear you had the hangover. Those SUCK!

  8. I've got you- pomegranate martini in the summer, caramel apple martini in the fall, candy cane martini in the winter, your choice in the spring. Drink 2 without food, three with. You won't throw-up and will wake up with no hangover, but have a pleasant buzz going for several hours. At least, this works for me.

    I've thrown up twice from alcohol and both times I had Long Islands.

  9. I generally avoid mixing liquors since the last two times I can recall drinking various drinks involved once passing out drunk while still wearing the garter belt and thigh highs I'd bought for that anniversary (i.e. not fun and caused by a mix of wine, vodka martinis and tequila), and once yelling "don't let that bitch in the car!" about a friend (who was on the way to becoming a non-friend, clearly) while vomiting all over the English countryside on the way home.

    So, at least you didn't get belligerent or throw up on someone. Consider it an experience and try to avoid a repeat!

  10. Jeff Mangum is coming back to DC on 1-27-12 at the Lincoln Theatre, get a ticket dammit.

  11. What's with drunk texting the guy you said you didn't like huh? Sounds like something could be blossoming here ;)
    I think you should give it a try; partly because he sounds so sweet and huggable in response to your drunken ramblings and partly because I need definitive proof that not all guys are nice until you get to "know" them properly. I'm hoping this dude ends up staying nice after he's pulled you in. You've had some bad (man) luck and it's a new year. What the hell, go for it!
    - L

  12. I tend to drink gin as if it were the only thing that understands me, whiskey is like bonding with a dangerous enemy against a common evil (sobriety), and wine makes me write. Wine is for writing, whiskey is for fighting, gin is for jealousy and beer is for fucking, and that's basically how it works. Drunks are not happy people. They are escapists. Many people can have a drink or two, happy people can go out and have a few, but sloppy, dirty drunkenry is for the malcontent, and anyone who says otherwise is a liar. We are an elite society.

  13. So with that in mind, I just want to say...feel better. I'm sorry.

  14. Kono, dammit man! There are no tickets available! None available! Why do you do this to me?!!!

  15. Show up outside the place and find a scalper, just don't get hosed, as soon as i found out i was flying over here to leave you a comment, i try sweetheart you know, that's worth something...

  16. Kono--That sounds...stressful. But...ok. I guess it's worth a shot.

    Rassles--If you're ever in DC I would totally drink a g&t or five with you.

    And PEOPLE, I was KIDDING about the Long Island iced teas. It was like, a joke. I KNOW they have five kinds of alcohol in them, that's why it know what, if I have to explain it...