Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Why it really is ironic, don't you think? (No, really, it is)

At this year's company holiday party (which I attended alone, dateless, and otherwise all by myself--aren't you proud of me for not chickening out?), I ended up in a long and only somewhat drunken conversation with one of the chef's wives--total girl crush material, and I desperately hoped I was hiding my social retardation enough for her to want to be my new best friend. (We high-fived over our mutually strained relationships with our mothers! "How do you not like your mother?" the guy across the table asked in horror, as she and I exchanged knowing glances.)

And then this happened: "You know who you remind me of?" she said. "Kristen Wiig."

"Um...oh..." I said, no doubt doing something really awful with my face, that caused her to say, "I mean, I hope you take that as a compliment. I really like her, I think she's awesome."

"Um...yeah...That'," I murmured, my face still registering a mixture of shock and disappointment. Luckily we both let it drop at that point, but believe me, it was awkward

Because, are you ready for this? I don't know if you were aware, but this is who Kristen Wiig actually is: 

But this is who I thought she meant:

For the uninitated, that is actually Kristen Schaal, otherwise known as Mel from Flight of the Conchords. Honestly, I don't know why I just assumed that that's who she was talking about. I blame the Kristens-with-double-vowels-in-their-last-names thing. Also, I think I've been a bit edgy about this sort of thing ever since a guy I met at a party told me I looked like Kathy Griffin. You don't get over something like that. 

But, to reiterate, this is Kristen Wiig: 

And this is not Kristen Wiig:

Again, below is the hilarious, talented, and beautiful Kristen Wiig...ok, so this one is not the best example:

Here we go. Much better:

And again, this is who I thought I was being compared to:

I do need to interject here to say that I'm a huge Kristen Schaal fan. I think she's talented and funny and adorable, and I actually had a lot of trouble locating awkward enough pictures of her, since in the majority of the photos I found of her online she is looking pretty and polished. It's just that in that moment, my mind latched on to her Mel persona and couldn't let it go. So this girl basically called me out as the funny-looking funny girl, or so I thought. And right when we were getting along so well!

"Can you believe she said I look like Kristen Wiig?" I griped later to my not-so-secret admirer/new friend, who had been at my elbow all night. 

"Who?" he replied, not so helpfully. I explained. "Um, yeah. So?" he replied.

"Argh!" I replied.

I texted something similar to my sister, who replied, "Nah, she's cute. I liked her in Bridesmaids."

Suddenly the heavens opened and a beam of light shone down on my forehead, which I promptly smacked. Kristen WIIG! Oh my god, of course, Kristen WIIG! Well I love Kristen WIIG! She's beautiful and funny and...oh my god, I must explain this hilarious misunderstanding to my new best friend right away! Except she wasn't there; she had already left. Of course she had, I remembered, which would explain why she had said goodbye and asked for my e-mail address (score!

I explained my life-changing revelation to my not-so-secret admirer/new friend, still at my elbow, who replied, "Um, so?" 

"No, you don't get it!" I exclaimed. "It's like someone telling you you look like Carrot Top, and then you find out that actually they meant Brad Pitt!"

"Why would that matter anyway?" he said. "I've been telling you you look great all night."

"Kristen WIIG!" I exclaimed.

Facebook message sent to new best friend girl I met once and will probably never see again, explaining hilarious misunderstanding: over forty-eight hours and still no response. Not looking so good, folks. Granted, a married mother of three small children might not have been the best candidate for a new friendship. Still though, she lives nearby, and I was super hoping. 

Dates gone on with not-so-secret admirer: one last night, and he has already asked me out again for Friday, and he invited me to a party at his house on Sunday/New Year's Day. (New Year's Eve still looking sad as all get-out, unfortunately. Sidebar--Ok, so I do have an invitation to hang out with a friend of a friend and his friends (got it?), but somehow a pity invite and hanging out with strangers on New Year's Eve just seems sadder than spending the night alone. End sidebar). Not-so-secret admirer is short, chubby, and blond. Also very sweet, and seems super into me. Still though, could I not once be pursued by tall, dark, and handsome? Although, I have already met his friends (date zero, and he already introduced me to his friends!), and we are already Facebook friends. Which, I have the vague feeling may be the two things I specifically mentioned recently as very much lacking in my last "relationship," and why do I have the feeling the universe is laughing at me?

I will give you everything you ever professed to want in a man except, haaa, yeah, you will never, ever in a million years be attracted to him! Mwahahaha...

The universe, she is a devious bitch.                


  1. I think Kristen Wiig is fabulous and adorable -- yup, just like you!

    I wish you a happy, healthy, and happy (again) 2012.

  2. Love Kristen Wiig since the first time I saw her on SNL "I was pregnant with my cat!" :)

    You might find this post on Hooking up Smart interesting:

    Happy 2012 to you. May it bring you all the happiness and success you deserve.

  3. Give the guy a chance. Sometimes attraction sneaks up on you.

  4. I wasn't going to comment on the guy thing, but since Katie got the ball rolling, I want to 100% agree with her.

    I know a lot of guys who are completely unappealing in the physical sense but, once you get to know their personalities (kindness, sense of humor, etc...), they become amazingly attractive. As in SO SUPER-CUTE, HOW DID I NOT SEE THAT BEFORE??? attractive. It happens a lot.

  5. I fucking love the universe when it pertains to you dearie, it no doubt loves fucking with you, and as a mother of two small boys i can attest that it's hard to find time to shoot up half the time let alone have friends, now if you can supply a baby-sitter that would help and then you could go out and get all Sex in the City or whatever it you girls do or better yet you could take the pudgy blond boy for a ride, take his money and gifts and turn him into one of those little fairies at MGTOW, whining about women and what not all while trying to solve Gears of War 3 or whatever the nerds who never get laid play these days, i mean fuck those guys they annoy me, a tall hairy mother of two but i digress, the universe is a cruel and cold place and it's about time you enacted a little cruel and cold back, so fuck over the nice guy, he deserves it, really he does, we all do, cuz men suck, unless they're me of course, alright off to the pub for lunch.

  6. On your worst day, you don't look like Kathy Griffin.

    Once someone said that I looked like Trent Reznor in a photo. I'm a girl. Screw them.

  7. he may have a talented tongue, at minimum. give it a chance. at least you know that breakfast will be included...

  8. Kristen Wiig plays a lot of endearing, but awkward characters. Maybe you weren't hiding your "social retardation" as much as you thought.

  9. THERE it is. Comment. Of. The. Week.

    With Kono as a close second, and maybe Grumpy at third. But, no. Reve. Definitely Reve.

  10. Oh, I hope you were acting like the Target lady character. If you were, let's hang out this weekend.

  11. I disagree with the majority here. Speaking as a man, it really sucks to have a new relationship, thinking everything is going well, and then hear a few months later "well, yes, everything is right, except you're not the least bit attractive." It's much more pleasant to be gotten rid of on date 2.

  12. Oh Puzzled, no one ever told you that, so just stop. Girls will give a million excuses to stop seeing someone but we will never tell him it's because he's not attractive enough.

  13. Puzzled, i may be in the minority here, but for men, physical attraction plays a much bigger role than it does for women. A man's sense of humor, commanding presence among other men, status, problem-solving abilities and handiness, can and do make up for attractiveness. Please don't misconstrue this as saying women are gold diggers or that an extremely unattractive man can also find an attractive woman with those qualities. But in time, a man of average attractiveness can become more attractive to a woman if he has those other attribute, especially if she develops feelings for him.


    So. I've been spending my Saturday afternoon lazing on the couch randomly clicking through to blogs. And I found yours and I'm dying, DYING over the Kristen story. I absolutely love when a writer can take a random or funny moment in life and turn it into the best story.

    And the visual aids definitely helped too. :)


  15. I think I would rather look like Schaal over Wiig, because as beautiful as Wiig is, she looks like every other pretty person. Schaal is gorgeous and unforgettable, like a silent film star.

  16. Well, DOW - it happened. Maybe it doesn't happen often, and maybe most women wouldn't say it, but I found the one who would, and did. I estimate it was after 12 dates and about 6 months.

  17. Puzzled--Well, I'm sorry that happened to you. I guess assholes really are everywhere.

    Still though, only twelve dates in six months, and you thought things were otherwise hunky dory in relationship land? Now I'm finding that hard to believe.

  18. Well, not hunky dory, no. But I haven't dated much, and I couldn't really identify exactly what the problem was...which resulted in various and increasingly desperate attempts to figure it out. Also, in my defense, it was moderate-distance. I did find it unusual after 12 dates and 6 months that we hadn't slept together, that she hadn't invited me in (I was always the one traveling) and that we seemed to be moving backwards in many ways. Live and learn.

  19. I'd take Schaal over Wiig anyday, my most vivid memory of her was when she was just wearing a bra on 30 rock, just oozing hotness.