Friday, December 16, 2011

Why I'm glad we're all on the same page here

Dear Schizophrenic Commenters of the Internet*,

I have to admit I was a little confused by some of the comments on my last post. Chiefly because a majority of comments on the post just before that one, seriously, the one right below it, were to the tune of:

"Give that bloke the BOOT!!!!!!"

"It's time to dump his Moroccan ass."

"Definitely drop the boy."

"Yeah, he's done."

"Drop him like a hot potato."

"Do not waste your time."

"Get rid of this guy."

So, message received, loud and clear. And believe me, you weren't telling me anything I didn't already know. Get rid of the guy, I got it! But then, when I did just that (albeit perhaps in a bit more of a passive-aggressive manner than some people seem comfortable with), somehow the general tone of the comments section turned into:

"You came across as very abrupt and off-putting."

"Your text to him was really aggressive."

"Your pattern is aloofness, and defensiveness."

"Poor guy..."

"I imagine he is really confused by what has happened, and probably offended too."

And my personal favorite: "Don't forget that if you're the slightest bit emotionnaly [sic] needy, you will blow things with him, and any other guy."

I mean, I get it, sort of. As a stand alone post, even I would read that and be like, whoa, bitch be crazy. But I've been writing about this guy for a while, now, and I guess I sort of assumed everyone was there with me. But since it appears that wasn't the case, let me clarify: I wasn't sad because he seemed eager to get off the phone with me or because he didn't respond to my provocation at picking a fight. I've been sad for weeks now, because he doesn't want to date me but I want to date him waaahhhh why doesn't he like me??? This is the guy who's kept me at arm's length for the last two months, and let's not kid ourselves--arms length? He's got two arms and a leg in there. So, yes, the sadness and frustration was a cumulative effect reaching last-straw proportions, not because of one phone conversation. I mean, can't you people read my mind? Or failing that, at least my last three blog posts? Jeesh.

Evolutionary Revolutionary suggested sending him an e-mail to clear the air, which, haaa, funny story. After two months of dating hanging out dating sleeping together oh whatthefuckever, I don't actually have his e-mail address. And, as previously mentioned, we aren't acquainted on Facebook, either, so the only way I have of reaching him electronically is through the Plenty of Fish website, and...ehhh, I didn't want to do that. But, after careful consideration, I decided to send him a text. Because goddamn, do you people have a knack for making me second guess myself.

I'm sorry for not answering you, I said. I was afraid of getting hurt, and it just seemed easier.

And then, after checking my phone every five minutes for the next four hours losing myself in my work and completely forgetting I had texted him (haaa!), he finally replied: No problem, I understood your frustration... Hope you had a good time in Philly.

I replied that I did have a good time, and hoped he had a nice weekend as well.

And that, it appears, is that. There's been no further communication, which is as it should be, I suppose. So basically, the same net result as before, only it all feels slightly more civil, now. Still raw, still painful. But civil.

And now is when you all offer up supportive, inspirational, lovely words of encouragement for me, yes? Yes. Or, you know, highlight my most glaring weaknesses, personality flaws, and personal failures. Commenters' choice!

*You know I still love you, right?                      

18 comments:

  1. I'm happy it's over, that you're done with him.

    I don't think that I commented on the first post in which you mentioned him because, right off the bat, I didn't think that this was a good match for you. I might have even only starting commenting when it began to sour.

    There's a line of thinking that opposites attract and, in some ways, that's true (such as we can't BOTH be loud) but, for the most part, there has to be some tie, some sameness, that binds. Religion isn't always a stumbling block but, in this case, it was a big one in my eyes. But, more than that, as time went on, it was glaringly obvious that you wanted such different things.

    I'm usually one to "rah rah rah" and cheer on a new relationship, one that seems to be happy or exciting or whatever. I never once felt the urge, in this case, to do that.

    All that to say that I'm standing by my initial feeling: It's not you. He's just not the right guy for you.

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  2. WHY do you listen to the mob (and yes, I am part of it, even if my opinions differ)? I know you write a blog to interact with the mob, but that doesn't make us right. And it doesn't have to make you second-guess yourself. The MOB is capricious, fickle, and it doesn't have to live with the consequences of your behavior. You do.

    Let them eat prose.
    Grumps.

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  3. This whole Moroccan escapade has been incredibly dull, sorry it has, guess i'm not a chick, by the way did he produce any of that stellar Moroccan hash? I mean you use these websites but let's face it, dating websites are bullshit, you know it, i know it, everyone knows it, if you want to meet someone get out of the house, hang at the bus stop or the coffee shop or the bookstore, be creepy and stare at them, follow them, whatever, has to work better than these websites if you want a real relationship otherwise you'll find guys who pretend to be interested so they can sleep with you until they loose interest, fuck all that, dare i say you're better than that? i mean i pretty much despise humanity so fuck relationships in general but someday Charlie Brown i'd like to see you succeed, you know...

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  4. Girl, I am the anonymous who stuck up for you in the last post. No fair! One commentator thought I am xenophobic (I am not even a US citizen!) and found my views offensive, but that's the nature of the internet. Take it or leave it. I do hope you meet a decent man who respects you and cares for you, and is hot too. Don't be too hard on yourself, and definitely don't use the comments on the blog to assess your self-worth.

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  5. LOL You poor thing. Not only are we bipolar, we're aggressive about it! Honestly, that made me start censoring myself quite a bit after awhile. It was like "SILENCE THE PEANUT GALLERY."

    But you did the right thing, what's done is done and you can move on to the next love story. Let's hope he's better at communication than this one. And for the love of god, at least get an email next time! :P

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  6. This wasn't your fault, and there was nothing you could have done to save this situation. Ignore your critics. The one thing that helped me was analyzing each of my mistakes in previous relationships - I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what warning signs I missed in the beginning that the guy wasn't that interested in me or wasn't interested in a serious relationship. Over time, I got better at identifying that and at dating.

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  7. Invest time, emotion and energy in yourself, make yourself the best "you" you can be. If you're happy with who and what you are, you'll pull positive people and energy your way. I read this once in a fortune cookie, but I think it's true.

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  8. Dawn--Thanks, as always.

    Grumpy--"Let them eat prose." Love it. :)

    Kono--Sorry to bore you. Now that this whole episode is over we can get back to our regularly scheduled blog postings of FUN and EXCITEMENT! Er...

    And yeah, I'm pretty sure you're spot on in your assessment of the online dating world. And I'm sure you're probably right about needing to get out of the house more often, too. But for a socially challenged recluse like myself...it's haaaaaaaaaard.

    Anonymous--I wasn't talking about YOU! :)

    ER, Jaclyn, SH--Thanks for the support.

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  9. Hey,
    I'm another Anonymous. I didn't comment on your last post as although it seemed kind of off I got where you were coming from and agreed that you had to end things with the dude; no matter how nicely or not you went about it. I was sure you were justified in any abruptness after what he'd been putting you through when he decided he didn't want to play 'Monsieur Nice Guy' any more.
    I only commented once during the Moroccan Series and it was to say be careful as I'd been there too. I don't think it's xenophobic to acknowledge that we are somewhat conditioned by our cultural upbringing and I say this as a Brit who has lived in the US and Continental Europe and experienced culture shock many time over. The way I am is a result of my upbringing; and the cultural norms of the country that I grew up in have pervaded parts of my behaviour. I'm still in touch with my Moroccan but I know that we see relationships differently in part because of our vastly different cultural backgrounds and that's not a negative judgement on either of us; just the way it is.
    Also, I would have said run anyway after the “gnarly teeth” discriptor. Yes, I'm English but gnarly just sounds scarier than crooked for some reason.
    Something great awaits you I'm sure. Don't settle.
    BTW, My brother lives in DC; you should party with him sometime. He's gay but lots of fun if you want to get out there and socialise.

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  10. You need to place more value on yourself and not have sex with the man you're dating until it's clear that you're in a committed relationship. Fool around, sure, but no sex until you like, AT LEAST have his fricking e-mail address.

    I am sorry you're feeling so crappy right around the holidays. That sucks enormous balls.

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  11. I would like to offer you some applause.

    You told him you were afraid of getting hurt. You said it!

    You cracked open the door, a little bit.

    His response should have been waaaaay more than that. You needed reassurance and he didn't give it to you, except to say you didn't bother him at all.

    It's hard. Letting someone see your vulnerable side when they haven't proven they are worthy. And him? He is not worthy. His first response SHOULD HAVE BEEN - sorry I didn't get back to you right away, I was [what was so important it took him that damn long???].

    I've been reading your blog for years. here you did what you normally don't tell us you did. You told someone you were afraid he would hurt you. You revealed he could hurt you. That you were invested. You tried. You didn't act like it was no big deal and then go all Sybil on him after it all built up.

    It's not that it's "civil" but that you didn't leave anything unsaid. You put your cards on the table - maybe not hitting him over the head with it, but HE has been very very aloof (no email address? and he's SLEEPING WITH YOU!?!?).

    In this instance I definitely say it's all him, and that you tried, you did your best. Good for you.

    Now, do that again. The next time. Only SOONER. Like, before you take you clothes off. Lay some ground rules. If they run then, you know up front not to waste your time.

    Go, you!

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  12. if you want people/guys to be straight-up with you, you have to be straight-up with them - we teach people how to treat us.

    you totally pulled the pass-agg thing, instead of just saying "here's the deal: i'm into you and this is what i want [...]".

    the reason this pattern keeps repeating in your love life is because you won't change your behavior/personal patterns. don't just *ask* for what you want... TELL a man what you want.

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  13. You did nothing wrong. And there is nothing wrong with you. Meeting the right guy is a result of plain dumb luck. The only control you have is meeting more people until you finally meet him. I had the worst dating luck for decades, and felt exactly the same way -- why doesn't he like me back. I met my husband in my late 40s. I knew within hours.

    --PT

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  14. I agree with the previous anonymous - when they like you, you usually don't have to question it. I mean, it's not a matter of having all sorts of expectations for how they'll show it, because everyone shows it in different ways, but when they like you, it's not a secret - and when you tell them that you're unsure about their feelings, they'll reassure you rather than just fricking shrug.

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  15. I disagree with the above anon who said that you were passive aggressive about this. You told the Moroc. what you wanted and he told you what he was willing to do. You told him you were afraid of being hurt. You opened yourself up. I think you made serious steps down the road of knowing yourself and your behavior in relationships. The relationship itself doesn't matter as much as the progress you made in your relationship with yourself. I think you're doing great things.

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  16. thanks kiddo. i have to admit i was pretty please with myself after i came up with it. and francophile that you are, well, it definitely suits.

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  17. Ok, I'm the one who said both "Dump his Moroccan ass" and "You came across as very abrupt and off-putting" but I still believe both of those things are true and can exist together. Yes, from what you had said it sounded like things were going nowhere with him, he wasn't making much of an effort, and it was time to get rid of him. However, it was also true that you were abrupt with him during the phone call and that your text to him was aggressive. It's not to say he didn't deserve it.

    The only reason I piped up to say those things on the last post was because I've been reading your blog for years, and I've seen you do this over and over. You tend to get prickly with the guy when you sense it's starting to end, which is totally understandable. But then you would also get so upset when it finally ended (also understandable, of course), except that you had appeared to be helping it head in that direction. Basically, it looked to me like you wanted it not to end while doing your best to help it end by picking fights.

    Sorry for the mixed messages, and sorry that yet another guy didn't treat you as well as he should have. I'm also one of those ones who have commented that in my experience, if you have to struggle, it's not right. The right guy will let you know he's interested, won't play games or make you feel like you need to play them. And it will be so worth it.

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  18. Ok, I have never commented. I just check in every few days and read up on what's going on, but I did not like this guy from the get-go. Put your big gir panties on, swallow that bitter pill and keep it moving.You're better off without him...Next!

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