Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Why I guess that's why they call it the blues

In an effort to avoid writing about that again, I was going to basically do a copy-paste of a series of five e-mails sent to me on Plenty of Fish over a 24-hour period from one increasingly agitated dude. His growing exasperation over the fact that I hadn't yet responded to him (gasp! The nerve!) finally reached a breaking point ("STILL no response? Not cool!"), which was followed several minutes later with his final e-mail ("Bye bye"), and did I mention this was all within 24 hours? But then I deleted my PoF account in a fit of disgust, and sadly, those particular e-mails were lost forever, so now you will just have to take my word for it. But seriously, dude was nuts. 

So, you see, I wasn't going to write about that (that) at all, but then someone felt the need to do the Formal Breakup Phone Call, and for once that someone wasn't even me. This delightful conversation was filled with heartwarming gems like, "I just didn't feel like our relationship was going to flourish" (Bam!), and, "I like you, but you can't spend your life with someone just because you like them. You have to love them." (Kapow!) At which point my instinct for self-preservation kicked in. "Hey, you really don't have to explain all this to me," I said. "I mean, I get it. You're not that into me! I've known that for two months now. You really don't have to explain how not into me you are. Just stop." I asked him why he had called me (he didn't want to just leave things the way they were, although he was starting to think perhaps it hadn't been such a good idea), he said he hoped we could be friends (I said, I don't think so, bud), I said good luck, because it's less heartbreaking than "goodbye forever," and he said it too, and if his voice sounded a bit watery at the end, then good. Let the motherfucker cry, I thought. I had held it together this entire conversation, you see (having had weeks to prepare for it), which of course means that as soon as I hung up I burst into bitter, gasping, hopeless tears and spent the remainder of that fine Friday evening on my bed weeping and huddled in the fetal position. But it was ok, because I didn't have plans anyway. Ba dum bum!

So, now I can finally put a lid on this thing once and for all and close with the fucking end.                 

20 comments:

  1. Excellent, so no more need for conversation, right? I fear he may be calling again...

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  2. Can we agree that it's hilarious that he actually CALLED for that?! Yes, let's laugh at that. He's one weird dude.

    As for the PoF guy, oh my God, intense! I had my share of those freaks -- also good for a laugh... long after the fact.

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  3. Oh! OH! I just remembered... My father-in-law is on PoF. (Don't worry; he's divorced.) You wouldn't be interested in a 67-year-old guy in South Florida, would you? He's the funniest guy in the world. Really, he's so ridiculously quick-witted and clever.

    No sale, right?

    :)

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  4. Rachel. Ugh, relationships. Instead of giving you pushy advice or platitudes which will NOT help your mood, I will tell you a stupid story which may or may not be amusing to you. It's about a cat.

    I was at my aunt and uncle's house for some sort of family function when I realized I had to use the bathroom. The main bathroom's toilet was out of order, and the half-bath on the first floor was a closet which also had a VERY stinky litter box. I said to myself, "I'm related to these people - I'll just go use their master bedroom bath."

    So I did. And on my way out, I saw one of their cats cooling out on their bed - but something was strange, something that caused a double-take. I walked up to get a closer look. Still unsure that I was seeing what I was seeing, I turned on the lamp next to the bed.

    No doubting it now. That orange tabby was lounging on its back, a pillow, masturbating with it's paw. And I'm STILL standing there staring at it in disbelief, as it returned my gaze, unaffected, unswayed from its task.

    I shut off the light and returned to the dining room, where I informed my aunt - in front of my grandmother - that her cat was doing something unspeakable on her bed. My aunt was all, "oh yeah, that cat likes to play with itself." like, you know, it was sanctioned master bedroom behavior.

    Now, this is NOT a great story, and the only person on this planet who thinks it's funny is my cousin, who's not even talking to me right now - BUT, it is better than me telling you what to do, what you did wrong, or promising that dating gets easier.

    Feel better, Rachel.

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  5. I would like to add to Nico's story, i often lay on the bed and masturbate and i don't care who walks in or by or stops and stares, i'm not stopping til i'm satisfied, so there, hope that cheers you up.

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  6. Together, we have unstoppable powers of cheer, Kono, I'm certain of it. Now be a dove and wash your hands.

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  7. Terri--No fear, it was definitely a Last Phone Call.

    Dawn--I, er...well at least we know what kind of guys you think I should be aiming for... :/

    Nico--I...I'm...speechless. That is an image that will be forever burned in my memory, now, so thanks for that. And yes, you and Kono did both succeed in making me smile today, so thanks for that too.

    Although, now that I think about it, a cat with that much dexterity should at least be able to figure out how to use a toilet! Or else clean its own damn litterbox.

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  8. Wow. That is nuts. Boys are kind of needy.

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  9. Oh no, not in the least. I'd want to fix you up with Grumpy but (a) you already met him and, most importantly, (b) I'm not allowed to do that anymore.

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  10. But he had "gnarly teeth"! Am I the only one that remembers this? Bullet dodged, no?

    -L

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  11. Once I walked in on my friend masturbating and he said, "Fuck Rass, help me out or come back in five minutes. You need a bigger laptop."

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  12. Did you tell him it's not the size of the laptop that matters, it's how he uses it? I hope so.

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  13. I don't always walk in on creatures masturbating, but when I do, I always switch on a light for the purposes of verification.

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  14. @racheal - you are so very much better off without him! go have a glass of wine and be glad he's gone.

    @dawn-if your dad was 10 yrs younger i'd be screaming for you to fix me up!! lol and i'm not saying a word on who you'd want to fix rachel up with... not a word!! :/

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  15. Steph, it's my father-in-law, not my father. If my father was 10 years younger, you and I wouldn't know each other. LOL!

    As for the other person, keep reading the comments, a few below that one about my FIL. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

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  16. hahahaha!!!! and yes father in law - was typing too quickly :)

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  17. I wonder if G saw that and just refused to comment.

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  18. he's in miami - prolly at the beach. but, i can see him not commenting just 'cause we brought him up. again. lol.

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  19. HAHAHAHA!!!!
    He's such a baby!!!!

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  20. Umm... Dawn.... I might be interested in a 67 year old from Florida!

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