Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Why (I am led to wonder why) I try

It hurts more than it should, considering. Considering it was only two months, considering how little time we actually spent together during those two months, considering that we both knew all along that there was no hope for a future. (Did we? Did we both know that? Or are some of us eternal optimists idiots in that regard?) But goddammit, I liked him. I really, really liked him. And how often does that happen to me? Once, maybe twice a year, I meet someone I actually like, and so when it happens, I cling to it. That feeling that I had lost, that I was afraid I would never find again. And so I let myself get swept away in it, for a little while, until I lose it again. Until it gets taken from me. 

On Friday he called. A rarity (usually he texts), but it happens. Happened. I was waiting for a bus to Philly, off to visit friends for the weekend. I missed his call, just, and called him back. "I left you a message!" he said. Oh? I said. What did you say? "Just wanted to see how your week was and that I hope you have a good time in Philly," he said. Oh, thanks, I said. "So send me a text when you arrive to let me know you got there safe," he said. "Ok? Well I'll talk to you later, bye!"

I blinked at the phone in my hand. A phone call was a rarity, as I said, and this one hardly allowed for time to catch up. Wanted to see how your week was? Talk to you later, bye? I could have said nothing. Before I probably would have said nothing, but this time I didn't.

Why did you call if you didn't actually want to talk to me? I texted.

What? he replied.

But I didn't answer. And neither did he. And that, it seems, is that.

Only, it hurts. It hurts to know that I am not worth the tiniest bit of a chase, even if it would have led straight to a dead end. That he couldn't be bothered. That after two months, this is how it ends. What? 

What, indeed.         



This one's for the lonely
The ones that seek and find
Only to be let down
Time after time

This one's for the torn down
The experts at the fall
Come on friends get up now
You're not alone at all

[...]

It comes and goes in waves
I am only led to wonder why
It comes and goes in waves
I am only led to wonder why
Why I try

17 comments:

  1. I once read a book called "Fifty of the World's Most Difficult questions." One of the questions asked: If you could meet your soul mate--the love of your life--but you only had six months to spend with them, would you still want to meet this person? According to the author the majority of people say yes. I think when you stop making choices like the one you made with this fellow, you're dead inside. Hearts are designed to withstand severe bruising. Your time will come again. But I can't help wondering when you say you only like one or two guys a year if you're setting the bar too high. There are a lot of great guys out there that are short or chubby or chatterboxes. Maybe you should give one of them a try.

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  2. Stephen--I've tried. As it turns out, the chubby ones are just as effective at breaking hearts as the skinny ones.

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  3. Forget that chump and come teach abroad! You'll be so wrapped up in your new adventure that these stupid boys will be a distant memory. Tis the recruiting season for international schools!!!

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  4. You said:
    Only, it hurts. It hurts to know that I am not worth the tiniest bit of a chase, even if it would have led straight to a dead end. That he couldn't be bothered.

    Did you catch that? Did you notice that these are two totally different things?

    It hurts to know that I am not worth...

    and

    ...he couldn't be bothered

    The first sentence is an "I" (I am not worth it). Says who???? Says him? Yes, I guess that's what he says, since "he" couldn't be bothered.

    It's like I've been saying. You just haven't met the right guy. When you do, you won't feel like you're not worth it... and he won't feel like it's remotely a bother.

    Wrong guy. That's all it is. Wrong guy. You ARE worth it -- all of it -- but for the RIGHT guy.

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  5. Ok here I can see one thing.When he asked you how was your week you replied with a 'oh Thanks'.On hearing this he said to send him a text once you get to your destination.So I don't see any fault of him neither yours off course.But you see you have to understand this.He hanged up because he thought you don't want to talk to him.And he didn't chased you because he didn't wanted perhaps another fight out of misunderstanding.All what you can do now is to clear the air between the two of you by telling him you reacted that way out of a bad mood or something.If he still has liking for you , you'll know it on your own.
    check this mate-
    Does He Treat You Right?
    What is his attitude towards you?
    http://www.3smartcubes.com/pages/tests/treatyouright/treatyouright_instructions.asp

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  6. I have to say I agree with "ME" on this one. I'm not sure what led up to this brief phone call and texting incident, but you came across in your own account as very abrupt and off-putting. You didn't seem to be trying to make the conversation happen, either. Yes, he called you and so the onus was on him, but a call to see how your week was and that he hopes you have fun over the weekend is totally legitimate. Did you actually then tell him how your week was, and what fun things you planned to do in Philly? Or did you just leave it at "Oh, thanks"? Because honestly, if I'd called you and that was your only response, I probably would have assumed you didn't want to talk and gotten off the phone, too. And I'm a girl.

    And then your text to him was really aggressive, especially coming from someone who hadn't put any effort of her own into the phone call. It sounded to me like you were trying to pick a fight. I can't blame him for not following up with you, especially since you didn't respond to his legitimate "What?".

    I've been reading your blog for a long time now, and some of your other stories have come across this same way, where you are feeling hurt and so you lash out and then get upset when the guy doesn't want to engage in the fight, especially if he didn't really see it coming (let's face it...a lot of guys are really clueless about when a girl is upset, so for them, it's coming out of nowhere).

    Like I said, maybe there's context that you left out of this. Maybe every time he calls he never has anything to say. Maybe you did actually spend 10 minutes telling him about your week during this call. But based solely on what you yourself wrote, the picture you yourself drew of this encounter, I don't see how he's to blame for any hurt you felt because of this.

    I don't mean to attack you, although if someone wrote this to me I'd definitely feel attacked. It's not what I intend. But I'm just wondering if you've ever read over your own accounts with an outsider's perspective to judge your own behavior as well as the guy's. Who knows. Maybe all the other commenters will tell me I'm full of shit. But this is how I see it from the stories you tell.

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  7. My first reaction was "WTF, there is not a single follow up? You are not the first person to have been left out in the cold that I've talked to this year."

    Then I read the comments and... I hate to say it cause you're already feeling a bit battered, I imagine... I agree. Your pattern is aloofness, and defensiveness. You weren't expecting a call and so maybe assumed the worse and so you sort of attacked him for it, thusly sealing what you THOUGHT was going to happen. Poor guy was probably thinking "Oh, why don't I just call her now, after all this silly texting? I'd like to hear her voice." And you sort of left him out in the cold. When he answered with "What?" you DIDN'T explain, and so lord knows he has no idea what happened.

    You give men WAY to much credit. It's a cliche and it sucks but the truth is men have NO IDEA how to deal with women. They just don't think the same way.

    I say write him an email about what happened, explaining your feelings, explaining where you were coming from and THEN see if he leaves you without a response. My guess would be no.

    Sometimes it's YOU who has to suck up your pride and get to the bottom of things. I mean, what harm could come from writing an email? At least you would know for sure where you stand. Trust me, that does a lot for the pain.

    BIG hugs darlin. And come back to Philly soon, we'll have a real dinner, kay? (Still trying to figure out how to put GOOD images of us on the internets.)

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  8. I, too agree with the above comments. But instead of dwelling on this, I would advise you to simply call him.

    I imagine he is really confused by what has happened, and probably offended too, that his attempt at calling you was so coldly received.

    So call him and explain. You were stressed from your week/not in a good mood/or whatever else.
    And anyway, how is he? Was his week-end good? 'cause yours in Philly was not bad at all, and you're feeling refreshed.

    And hopefully you manage to patch things up this way. Manage to meet up again.
    It's never over, until it's over, believe me.

    Don't forget that if you're the slightest bit emotionnaly needy, you will blow things with him, and any other guy.
    You don't need him to talk about your week or whatever else.
    He is not your crutch, he is a guy you've just started seeing.
    He may be a great guy, but Rachel, you are quite a catch too! xx

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  9. I am not going to defend him here, you have every reason to be upset, given your experiences in the past few weeks. Nevertheless, this incident seems like a storm in a teacup rather than a serious fight leading to a break-up. The question you have to ask is, is he worth it? Yes, you will be able to explain your reaction to him, and yes, it can be mended. But given all the red flags, is it really the right thing to do? I know it hurts because you like him, but there are plenty guys out there you may like, and those who treat you with more respect. This guy sounds like he is only in it for the Doritos and you will be one of his American "conquests" he will brag about to his friends. Let go.

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  10. I think I'm missing something.
    He calls you and the relationship ends via a text?

    Maybe he likes you as much you do him, and his way of showing it, was to take it out of text and start calling you? Maybe. Cos I could be missing a whole bunch of this story.

    Now I'm off to read previous posts.

    TALK to him.

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  11. While I get what everyone who commented after my initial comment is saying, and while I do agree with some or all of it, we need to remember one thing:

    This is the same man who never made time for our Rachel. This is the same man who said "You will see me exactly the same amount or possibly less, and also, due to our vastly different religious beliefs, there is almost no chance of our having any kind of future together."

    Yes, maybe ponder your thought process at the time of the Philly call, but don't forget that he's also a class-A asshat and you deserve much better.

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  12. His behavior is classicly "evasive" See...
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karen_Horney

    He runs because he needs to be chased. When you stop chasing, he needs to restart the chase, so he moves toward you to rehook you and then evades again.

    Don't chase. Its a circle.

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  13. I don't think I could say it better than the other commenters. The right guy will think you are worth it. However, you do need to let guys know exactly what you want from them. They don't magically know.

    When I was first dating my husband he thought he was being wildly romantic because he made me coffee or tea every morning (he doesn't drink either himself), but I was disappointed because he never took me out on a "big" dates like other guys I had dated. Luckily I trusted my heart with him enough to tell him how I felt, and he was able to tell me how important it was to him that I recognize the "little" things he did for me.

    Now that we are married I remember to tell him thank you for making my coffee (and my lunch!), and he sometimes plans "big" dates.

    All that said, I don't think this guy is worth it. Right now he isn't looking for the same type of relationship that you want, and nothing will change that fact.

    When I decided I “really” wanted a relationship, rather than just “having fun”. I had to completely stop dating guys that did not want to be in the type of relationship I wanted. That meant not dating a lot of guys who I found attractive. At the time it really sucked, and that year I cried all of the time. But it also meant I was emotionally free when I met my husband and I wasn’t pinning after that really cool guy that didn’t want a relationship. I’m still friends with some of those “really cool guys”, and years latter most of them still don’t have long term relationships.

    -Caroline

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  14. gonna agree with grumpy and dawn (wow! big surprise there!) listen to them - they know of what they speak. as for the other dissenters... it's NOT you. it's them! ignore, ignore, ignore!

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  15. I've come back and read the rest of the comments and I have to agree with Dawn. I'm not big on the dissecting human behaviour thing at all, and neither should you. The Moroccan wasn't spending enough time with you, basically put you at arms length, and showed disinterest. I don't think there's anything to interpret other than he's not feeling the relationship. It could have to do with differences in culture/beliefs/religion (because you're not Muslim but unlikely), it could have to do with personality. Bottom line is that he can't be bothered, and thus he is not worth your time or agony.

    I've been reading for a long time and yes, I definitely do think that sometimes you can be defensive and off-putting when it comes to how you deal with potential boyfriends- however, I feel that it's your reaction to their ridiculous behaviour. Meaning your defensiveness is merited, and it's almost as though your spidey sense is tingling and alerting you to danger on the horizon.

    I think that we as women give men TOO MUCH credit, trying deconstruct their behaviour and figure out what they are *really* saying when they are telling us straight and plain what they want/don't want through their actions. We make too many excuses for men: Oh, he's not ready, oh he's just scared, yadda yadda yadda. We wait for men to define the terms of the relationship isn't of just saying, "This is what I'm looking for, I want you to be my boyfriend".... We as women have the tendency to pussyfoot around and skirt issues in a relationship because we don't want to be too forward and possibly rock the boat.

    Relationships are hard, but saying what you want should be simple...

    Also, I just have to say that I've been following some of the comments on the last posts and I'm dismayed by people bringing up the Moroccan's religion as one of the reasons he's being evasive and an asshole. I actually find that reasoning seriously offensive and xenophobic. He's a jerk because he's a jerk, not because of his culture. Blech.

    Anyway, I don't want this to be an epistle, so I'll end here.

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  16. Oneika--I think people mentioned that because he specifically brought up religion (namely, my lack thereof) as the reason we couldn't have a future together. Whether or not that's the real reason, or just a convenient excuse, who knows.

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  17. I love this post!

    I can completely relate. I don't find amazing connections everyday either and I've been working on getting over a similar situation with a guy who told me he wanted marriage, wanted to be serious, wanted to take his time but made me feel like he was stringing me along and constantly looking for something wrong with me. IN the end I gave up chasing him and he disappeared. Go figure.

    But it begs the question, "do we really only want what we can't have?"

    I've had great relationships that I felt were equal, where no one was "chasing" but they were simple, stay in bed all day and have sex type of young love. Now we are looking for the real deal and it's so much more challenging to find.

    I say we hold out! I have heard success stories before. I wish one for you too!

    K

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