Saturday, November 26, 2011

Why it's the end of the beginning

In the end, it always ends. It's the Six Week Slow Fade, and by now I can see it coming from miles away. Six weeks being the length of time that my charm remains charming, apparently. It's become so predictable, so routine, that this time I don't even have to hang around for weeks more, wondering if that's what's really happening or if I'm just going crazy, if he's just busy; I don't have to wait around to find out exactly how little he's willing to give me, not this time. It's happened all before. Andrew. Jimmy. Luke. Just enough time for my guard to drop. Just enough time to hope. And then the disappearing act. I tried to hold back this time. I always do, now. I always try not to let myself like him too much. I try to remain a bit apart. Did I succeed? This awful, knotty, crushing feeling that is much more than just wounded pride tells me that I didn't. I let myself get hurt again and I could kick myself, could slap, pinch, pull hair, and I have been, only on the inside where you can't see.

And in the end, contrary to the dire predictions, it wasn't even because he was Muslim, and it had nothing to do with cultural or religious or linguistic differences. I thought that maybe this time I had found someone different, but in the end, he ended up to be just like every other guy. 

25 comments:

  1. :(

    I'm sorry.

    But I really believe that it's not you. That it's not your fault.

    Guys are "shoppers" by nature. They're like kids in candy shops. But I'm generalizing. I'm brushing with too broad a stroke. They're not ALL like that. It's just a matter of finding the one who WANTS to settle down. It's difficult but those guys ARE out there. They're just mixed up in the jumble of shoppers.

    Keep going. Keep being you. And you SHOULD let yourself get hurt. Why? Because if you didn't, it would have meant that you didn't care enough to be involved in the first place. You have a big heart; it's bound to get hurt.

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  2. Those comments from Dawn are spot on! But apart from that, try to see this as a lucky escape, because although you didn't think it was cultural difference, I am convinced they would have reared their ugly head in the end....

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  3. I'm so sorry. It's a painful game, however you slice it, until it isn't.

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  4. I agree with Dawn. In the broadest of senses. Keep your head up, make sure you have your priorities straight and put yourself into a project or work or whatever you need to do.

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  5. Sorry he turned out to be a jerk. But honestly, I am breathing sigh of relief. I didn't want you to get hurt when you were in way deeper, and I knew it was going to happen. You deserve better. Allow yourself to grieve for 24 hours, and then don't let him occupy a second of your time or the tiniest space in your heart. Sorry you have had more than your share of jerks, but trust me there are still some single men out there who qualify as "mensch. " Chin up, girl. As Scarlett O' Hara would say, tomorrow is another day.

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  6. What they said. No really, everyone has put it very well, and we're all still hanging in there for you!

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  7. BOO! So sorry hon - really sucks as the beginning sounded so sweet. I didn't meet the man I was to marry till I was 31 practically 32...just saying. I hope you find the right one who's ready to stick by after the initial butterfly phase!

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  8. I have to disagree with the above comments.
    Your guy started pull away after you had the most intense, beautiful time together. Just like the other guys did.
    It's not your fault, it's not their fault. It is simply how things are. All men freak out when they start becoming emotionnaly close to a women.

    They key is to give them time to get used to have you in their life.
    So when they pull away, you just let go. Don't initiate any contact whatsoever, no hints on your facebook wall either.

    I can assure you he will come back after a while, intrigued that you have not reacted.

    You can very well blow this by panicking and making him feel your neediness.
    In fact, this withdrawal is a subconscious test by a man to see how emotionnaly independant and strong you are.

    So all you need to do is to go back to what you were doing before you met him. Go out, socialize, date, have fun. If he comes back, good. If he doesn't it's ok.
    You can always check how things are with him after a week or so. But in the lightest possible manner.

    Good luck!

    http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/The_Withdrawal_Syndrome_Why_Your_Man_Pulls_Away.html

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  9. I have to agree with Mu. I don't think it's "playing games" to cool off your contact with him if he does the same. See what happens. Maybe he really has lost interest, or maybe he's feeling uncomfortable because he has serious feelings for you. It's an experiment. It's not a very fun experiment, for you, but try not to panic. He is NOT the other guys, he's a new guy. And you have changed too.

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  10. I am truly sorry about this. 'HUGS'
    For what it is worth try to remember some things are simply not meant to be. I feel I may be similar to you in that I LOVE to be part of a couple, to have that special someone in my life with who I can share everything. I like my own company but at the same time, really NEED to have my special guy in my life..does that make sense? Probably not but I'll tell you the best advise I ever got (in retrospect because at the time I truly didn't see the purpose)- was - be on your own for a while, don't conciously seek a relationship, see all and I mean ALL men as purely friends, immerse yourself in YOUR life, family, friends, get into your hobbies, volunteer, read, in short- live your life fully without any emotional distractions. Find yourself. Who you are, what you truly need, fall in love with YOU again. Take a few steps back for some months, believe me, you are young and you've got time. Think about it, if and when you eventually meet him, you will find that the trials and heartaches have been worth it. You want to be with this person for the rest of your lives right? We are talking more than 50 years then. Taking 6 months to rediscover who you are is so little compared to that.
    Life will not pass you by.

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  11. Ugh, I'm sorry about this. I have a big heart, too, and always say the same thing when I'm hurt yet again. But you did the right thing by falling for him and letting him in, because if you hadn't, you might be looking back and wondering "what if?" The right one will come along eventually ...

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  12. I'm so sorry. I agree with Mu's comment.

    Don't change or hold yourself back for anyone. Someone will love everything, or as close to that as humanly possible, about you one day.

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  13. hey there, be in DC for a few days this week. im too lazy to stalk, so no need to worry...hehe

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  14. Hey there Grump. Want to meet up? Or would that be weird?

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  15. i dont think it would be weird, but i am weird, so what do i know.

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  16. you should totally meet up! and, grump - you're the best kinda weird... i can say that, being your sister and all :)

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  17. See, I sense a pattern. There is something amiss and in my opinion it's the kind of men you are choosing. What is their common personality trait (apart from being afraid to get close to another person)? Also, ask yourself what kind of relationship message you are putting out? You are afraid of getting hurt and so often keep men at arms length. That message comes out that YOU are afraid of commitment as well. That YOU aren't capable of being close to another person, because of your fear.

    But ultimately it's YOU who needs to break the pattern. People tell women all the time "Oh, these men are such scum," and they probably are! But you are the one who has them on radar. Figure out WHY and change it. Empower yourself, stop being a victim of aloof, non committed six week relationships. Stop settling, stop giving up and get what you NEED out of a relationship.

    It could be time to give up on meeting people through the internet as well. Join a club. Start a new team sport. Do something that you love that involves being with other people. Not knowing everything about the person immediately prolongs a relationship, strictly due to retained interest in the other person.

    But this is just my opinion, here. It's your life!

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  18. I'm not Grumpy's sister (hi G! hi S!) but you guys MUST meet. Please, please, please!

    And, G, for the record: I'm not trying to do a matchmaking thing again. I learned my lesson. :-/

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  19. hi dawn!! and neither am i! i learned that lesson the hard way years ago!!

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  20. Ugh. It's just the end of an error. No need to harp on it. Time will take care of everything. Whatever you do, don't keep your heart on lockdown. Keep it open. Keep it honest. Keep it beating.

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  21. Steph, different lesson or the one that I was involved in? :-/

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  22. that same one dawn. still haunts me! :-/

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  23. Maybe you shouldn't sleep with guys right away if you really want to be with them seriously. Dudes don't usually equate "right-away lay" with "long-term commitment." If you don't want the commitment I guess it doesn't matter, but you DO, so maybe reconsider how fast you get horizontal?

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