Friday, July 8, 2011

Why you laugh, and then you sing, and then everything is alright again

Sometimes there is nothing to do but look for the humor in a situation, even when it doesn't necessarily feel funny. But when you are talking boys and your same-age boss/partner in gossip (but still, your boss) then asks you carefully, "So...what's your dad like?," come on, that is funny. (Answer: He's a nice guy! Really! No daddy issues here!) And when your friend asks you seriously, "So, do you think you might be attracted to guys who treat you badly?," like you're worthy of a Lifetime movie story plot or something, that is funny to me, too. (Answer, as honestly as I am able to give it: You know, I really think I actually like nice, sweet guys. That's just not who I end up meeting.) And when my petty problems provoke 30+ comments and even some e-mails saying, "Have you ever considered...?," as if my guy problems are in any way important and worthy of consideration by anyone other than myself, well, that also is pretty damn funny, in my book. Thank you, people who like to solve problems! In all honesty, your comments, your support, they warm my heart. Don't ever stop. 

Of course it's one thing to be able to see the humor in the situation from a slightly detached perspective, and quite another to retain those same good spirits when it really comes down to it; you know what I mean? Let me 'splain. And voila, I give you Luke: The Denouement.

Since we last talked, Luke has become more and more evasive (surprise surprise), and I followed suit. I stopped engaging in idle text conversations, I let 24 hours go by before responding to a text, and when I did respond, I pretty much kept it to one word answers. My new-found vagueness seemed to intrigue him, and so he stepped it up about half a notch, proposing outings I knew he would probably never follow through on. A restaurant he had heard good things about 30 minutes outside of town? When even going to dinner once in the town where we both live was like pulling teeth? Yeah, sure, babe, whatever. Sometime this week? I mean, ok, I guess. That's what I said, too; I guess. But no matter how sullen and teenaged I acted, he kept responding with good humor. You guess? LOL. In the meantime, he didn't seem too anxious to see me, which was fine with me, as I was growing increasingly less anxious to see him. But still though, he kept up the pretext, texting me 'hi baby' in the morning, and 'mwah,' at night. As if he has the right to call me baby, I grumbled to myself. And to wake me up at 7:00 a.m. to say it. The nerve. It had to come to a head sooner or later. Sooner, as it turned out.

Whatcha doing? he texted me today; my most hated idle chatter text, and a favorite of his. What are YOU doing?  I replied pointedly.

At work, he said. Lunch? 

I knew better than to take that at face value, so instead I replied, Lunch is good

No, LOL, he replied. Do you want to go to lunch with me?

Aha, the ever-elusive direct invitation. With anyone else I would have accepted without hesitation, and yet, even with the offer extended I knew this guy could still pull a Houdini act. If I say yes are you just going to say you have to do laundry? I asked.

Babe, he chided me. LOL.

Ok, so, he knew I was on to him, then. There was no way he could back out now when I had already called him on his very backing out-ness. So, Yes, Luke [Last Name], I texted, I would like to have lunch with you. And then I waited. But then, like clockwork, 5...4...3...2...

Dammit I have a meeting, they just came in and ruined my lunch :(

A familiar feeling of adrenaline-fueled rage gurgled up from inside of me. But wait, I thought. Before you go exploding all over the place, wait just a minute. Surely this is a joke. Surely he is poking fun at the fact that I had predicted he would back out, and he will follow this with an 'LOL, j/k.' Surely. But sadly, he was all too serious. How bout dinner? he proposed with a smiley face.

No can do, I replied. And yeah, I pretty much figured I was calling your bluff with the lunch thing.

Ouch babe. I would love to but I can't miss this meeting

I would really like to believe that, I said. Have a nice meeting. Maybe a nice life too.

Wow, that's pretty intense, he replied.

I'm sure you're familiar with the expression 'the last straw,' I told him.

How many straws were there? he asked.

You're the worst of the worst, I replied. Have fun treating some other girl like shit. 

I didn't realize you felt I treated you badly, he said.

But that was it. I had said what I needed to say, and anything else would have been arguing semantics. I didn't add anything further, and neither did he. After our last go-round and an experiment in playing it cool and employing the silent treatment, it felt good to actually say what I felt, for once. Lesson learned. 

In the meantime, I've been listening to this song on repeat; driving to MD/DC, volume up, singing at the top of my lungs. It's quite possibly the world's most perfect break-up song, with just the right amount of fuck you to it. Check it out, and sing it with me now:

You think I'll run, not walk, to you
Why would I want to talk to you?
I want you crawling back to me
Down on your knees, yeah
Like an appendectomy
Sans anesthesia 

If you think you can leave the past behind
You must be out of your mind
If you think you can simply press rewind
You must be out of your mind, son
You must be out of your mind  

You want what you've turned off turned on
You call at sunset, now it's dawn
You can't go 'round just saying stuff
Because it's pretty
And I no longer drink enough
To think you're witty 

If you think you can leave the past behind
You must be out of your mind
If you think you can simply press rewind
You must be out of your mind, son
You must be out of your mind


  1. Well done.

    AND...I'm sorry. Sorry he didn't turn out to be who you hoped he would. But chin up - The One could just be waiting for you in DC. :)

  2. Dude! I LOVE this song! Off to youtube it right now... :-)

    Okay, so I didn't comment on the last posts cuz I figured that I wouldn't have anything nice to say, not because I'm a bitch or anything (cuz I'm so not, I swear!) but because you've been down this road before, you spotting this dude was an idiot from miles away, etc etc etc...

    Anyway, it sucks this one didn't work out but guess what?! You're going to start a wild and wonderful new life in D.C. and will probably be so busy with your new job that you wont have the time to find out if D.C. guys are assholes are not. Bright side? :-)

  3. Stephen Merritt is an absolute fucking genius, under-rated and underappreciated (a bit like our lovely heroine), though i do prefer early Magnetic Fields to later and some of his side projects or fantastic as well. Well done girl well done.

  4. So, before, he mentioned having been drinking too much, correct? They say that when you begin to drink too heavily/abuse alcohol is where your brain's mental age stops. I wonder if he began to drink too much around, say, 16 years old? Perhaps? He sounds like a douche and I hope some chick does this to him as well, just so he knows how it feels to be yanked around and treated like you're just some incidental thing that does matter. Ugh.

  5. *doesn't matter, I meant.

  6. Glad you stood up for yourself and called a spade a spade (or a shithead a shithead). On to bigger and better in DC!

  7. Wait, you broke up with a guy you had no actual relationship with? There's a romantic somersault for you. Not to be confused with summer salt, which is what gets rubbed into open wounds in very hot months. Funny how the pain fades so quickly.

    Anyway, far more adult men await in the District of Coulmbia. (I never dated one, so I am going by rumor alone.)


  8. WELL DONE! I am tipping my imaginary hat to you!

  9. You handled this excellently!

    And that song... I think my favorite line is that "I no longer drink enough to think you're witty." So, so true!

  10. Oh God, what an absolute a-hole. I think we're literally the same person on different continents - there must be a karmic connection or something!

    Also, WELL DONE for telling him EXACTLY what you think. You're a heroine!

    Lastly, I think you might like this?
    A bunch of artists trying to illustrate all of the songs from the Magnetic Fields' 69 love songs!

  11. Giving out love advice is not my forte. I don't really do it. Mostly because I am not good at it, so why would my advice matter? And I'm excellent at reading people UNLESS I'm attracted to them, because then all logic goes out the window and all I can think about is his jawline.