Saturday, April 9, 2011

Why hope is a thing with feathers, and it's dead

Oh how fleeting happiness is when you're the Charlie Brown of dating. That's the thing about bluebirds on your shoulder, I guess--they're a temperamental sort. Make too sudden a move and their little bird hearts can't take it--poof, and all you're left with are some feathers and a pile of shit. Now I'm watching the life and near-death of a relationship in fast forward. Caught in dating purgatory, we're still alive, if not entirely well, and now there's an elephant in the room trumpeting for attention, yet deaf-blind-dumbly ignored by all. 

Everything seems fine in person--when we see each other in person. But everything else makes me want to volunteer for experimental emotion reassignment surgery--on a spectrum of flesh-and-blood human to clod of dirt, I'll take anesthetized robot, thanks. 

Feeeeeelings, nothing more than...fucking awful hurty painful feeeeelings...

I can see it coming because I've been through it a dozen times before. It's a gradual step-down process, like he's a smoker and I'm the patch. We see each other less. He calls less, texts less. "Well," he sighs, two minutes into a phone conversation, "I just felt like I should call you," his sense of obligation hanging heavy in the air. Then he blames traffic and safe driving practices, raging aloud at the stupidity of other motorists for good measure, before quickly saying goodbye. "TTYL," he says, where L is an unknown variable, representing an undetermined length of time, upon which TTY is entirely dependent.

I haven't felt much like blogging lately. I haven't felt much like doing anything lately. But I have. Things must be done, after all. Blogging among them. Also eating, showering, going to school, doing work, and (only somewhat successfully) sleeping. Life, huh? Just one long string of -ings. (Feeeeelings.) The one -ing I wish I could feel--nothing.       

12 comments:

  1. There are many things i could say but i don't like to pile on the lovelorn. So instead i'll be like sweet and shit, keep the chin up, finish school and get the fuck outta Mythica, then hopefully your luck will change. The King of the Run-on Sentence.

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  2. I'm with Kono. Think he said it perfectly. Definitely the part about getting out of there.

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  3. It's funny - I started reading your posts about your dating situation at t he same time as I started dating someone.

    He and I got (get) along fabulously and it recently sort of ended. except my ending is a but more complicated and... well, I'm being an idiot - lol.

    But I have the same feelings of not wanting to do anything... yet so much needs to be done!

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  4. I'm sorry things aren't working out so well...if you know it can't be saved, I would just sit him down and lay it all out there for some closure. No sense dragging it out for nothing...

    Hang in there girl. You are stronger than you think.

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  5. talk to him about it.

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  6. Here's a radical idea. Next time you speak, tell him something like:

    "I'm feeling awkward and uncomfortable. It feels like you don't really want to talk to me or spend time with me any more. And I don't like feeling this way."

    then stop. Wait. see what he says.

    If he is going to break up with you, then tiptoeing around drawing it out won't make you feel any better. At least this way, you've let him know it bothering you and giving him a chance to step up.

    Sorry this is happening!

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  7. Good advice from the other folks. If you feel it's near the end, then talking about the lack of interest is probably the best way to handle it. Like saying, you seem a bit distant lately. Maybe things aren't going well on your side?! This is very tricky indeed. Good luck.

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  8. nice blog... visited here with a smile, take care always... feel free to visits me back at http://www.lonelyreload.blogspot.com (A Growing Teenager Diary)... thanks ~~~

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    ReplyDelete