Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Why April is the cruellest month

I once said that, for whatever reason, most of my relationships begin in the spring. Perhaps this is true for many people--the world is all new and fresh, the days are longer, the air is warmer, and can you blame people for getting a little twitterpated? But what I am just now beginning to realize is that most of my relationships also end in the spring. Specifically, in the month of April. Even more specifically, about a week before my birthday. And if that isn't the recipe for a wrist-slittingly good time, I don't know what is. To wit:

April 19, 2007--The end of a three-year relationship, and a week to the day before my 27th birthday. Our problems are myriad and complex, but not least among them is his decided fear of commitment.

April 17, 2010--A guy I have been dating about a month pleads commitment-phobia.

April 2011--Another guy I have been dating about a month also pleads commitment-phobia. Hmmm. We go back and forth a bit, but ultimately, after not returning his middle-of-the-night phone call, the last I hear from him is during the early morning hours of Sunday, April 17.

Even I think this is getting weird.

Obviously, I have to put a stop to this sick cycle. The only ideas I have come up with so far are, 1) stop dating any guys, ever, or 2) stop having birthdays. Or maybe 3) lock myself in my house on March 31 and do not come out again until May. 



  1. I say go for number one, that's what I'm thinking of at this point.

    Cut them out of your life.

    When I was a teenager my sister told me that I should become a lesbian, it would be easier (she's 15 years my senior).

    I'm still in the middle of my drama. To text, to not text, how it hurts that he doesn't. *sigh*

  2. Yes, Stop trying to be reasonable with these guys. Go off on them. Yell, scream, bring the drama. You are too cool. It seems like you don't care. I say, make yourself high maintenance. then the ones that are gonna run will run sooner or not bother, and the ones that are interested in you will step up to the plate.

    I only say this bc you asked for thoughts. Every time you write about some guy, you always describe yourself as very cool and logical. The worst you do is ignore the guy. You rarely seem to call them on their bullshit.

    So I say you need to be hot tempered and demanding.

    Happy birthday and I'm sorry it didn't work out.


  3. They're probably just breaking up with you because they don't want to buy you a present. They seem like a bunch of losers and you deserve better. I agree that you should cut this latest guy out of your life and that in the future you should totally call guys on their bullshit. They're just going to treat you like shit for longer if you let them get away with it. Why put yourself through that?

  4. My whole adult life I have been in a constant battle with the crazy, and now you guys are telling me to just let it loose? I don't know, I'm not convinced...It sort of seems like a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.

  5. It's because winter's over, and all those dudes want the freedom to check out beach bodies. Goddamn beaches.

    Not saying you don't have a beach bod, but you know what I mean.

  6. Yeah i got a solution, stop feeling fucking sorry for yourself and take fucking charge for once, quit being a pushover and if some douchebag pisses you off tell him and then tell him to fuck off, if i had time i could go into minute detail about why this keeps happening but i'm hungover from a double ot hockey game, but there is a pattern here and i know you see it, and though this may be tough love it is love nonetheless cuz as we know Miss R. i love you more than most, you seem like a decent and kind human being with self-esteem issues, sometimes being nice gets you walked on and taken advantage of and sometimes you have to push back and push back hard, enough rambling i need a nap.

  7. Kono--I'll admit, I have been taking all my advice for how to handle this one from my friend Pete, which in retrospect may not have been the best idea. Basically it goes something like, if you want a guy to be interested in you, you have to act like you don't give a shit. And wow, look how well that turned out.

    Although I can't exactly blame Pete for all my previous failures, and so Kono, if you know something about me that I don't then I really need you to write another of your long rambling punctuation free comments or send it to me in an e-mail, please.


  8. You seemed so passive with the tall & cute guy. Waiting for them to decide which one was best (or worst) for you. And you waited for them to pass judgment. What about what YOU want? Were you really interested in either one of them or only interested in the fact that they showed interest in you? Are you looking for the right man or a man for right now? None of the contenders so far have been worthy of your time or writing space. I hope Kono advises you privately cause as they say, men know men and women know women. Which is why Peter's advice surprised me. It seemed so wrong. The stuff women tell each other cause we don't want to hurt an already hurt friend when said friend would be better served by hearing the truth. Hope you aren't putting up with these guys cause you think you can't do better. You need to get as good as you give. And that seems like a hell of a lot.

  9. I just read your post on the end of your 3 year relationship and wow what beautiful, amazing writing. Do these guys even measure up to the amazing woman that you are or are they knuckle-headed twits who can't string a decent thought together? I think you should really take a long look in the mirror and see yourself for the bundle or good qualities that you are and KNOW you deserve a lot better than you've been getting. Don't wait for someone else to tell you either...

  10. Mmm how about bringing commitment on the first dates, before you become emotionally involved and they waste your time?
    I know is a radical concept and many men will run for the hills, but at least you will start with the right foot from the beginning and take it from there.
    Women are adviced not to be so pushy about commitment but you really want to date a guy to find out 3 years later that he really never wants to commit?
    Is better to get that out of the way as soon as possible, YMMV.

  11. If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.

  12. "You seemed so passive with the tall & cute guy. Waiting for them to decide which one was best (or worst) for you. And you waited for them to pass judgment. What about what YOU want?"

    Yes, this. These guys are calling the shots and you've been allowing it to happen. My advice, for whatever it's worth: start seeing yourself as a person with needs that matter, and agency to act on those needs.

  13. Good advice all around. Would love to hear (more of) what Kono has to say. :-)

  14. April 17, 2010--A guy I have been dating about a month pleads commitment-phobia.

    April 2011--Another guy I have been dating about a month also pleads commitment-phobia. ...

    Hmm..., i detect a pattern here.

    Maybe the best advice is that you should stop chasing men out-of-your-league.

  15. Wow, you and I have eerily similar patterns in our dating lives, so sadly I've got no advice for you. I'm currently exercising your option one - stop dating any guys ever. We'll see how long that lasts. It's not very realistic, and not too much fun. My track record is making me a lot more choosy in terms of dating candidates, I must say, though. Good on you for putting an end to this last one's shenanigans. Commitment-phobes are the worst.

  16. 80milliontimes--I noticed on your profile that you live in Toronto. I've been intrigued lately by the idea of moving to Canada, though I'm not sure if it would be worth the trouble of trying to find a job there and going through all the immigration stuff. What do you think about Toronto? Do you like living there?

  17. I love Toronto! It's an amazing city. So much culture, diversity, always something going on. Great music scene, lots of awesome places to hang out. And lots of kids that wanna learn French. DO IT! I could use a single gal pal in my life! Or just come for a visit and see if you like it!

  18. Happy birthday sweetie. Hope your birthday is just as wonderful as you are.

  19. Happy Birthday!

  20. I just want to say that the commenter from April 24 at 3:38a.m. is a jerk. Why because these guys are commitment-phobes does that mean they are out of Rachel's league??? And I haven't read anything here that sounds like she is "chasing" anyone - jerk.

  21. The good news is that April is almost over. Keep your chin up, and don't waste your time and emotions on jerks who clearly don't deserve it. I am hoping May brings lots of sunshine and good tidings. Write when you get a chance, and tell us you are ok.

  22. My relationships used to last from about september to november. and that was it.

    I am not sure how to stop the cycle. But good luck!!!