Sunday, December 5, 2010

Why I'm as graceful as a giraffe on rollerskates

Internet, have you ever experienced a moment of such complete maladroitness that moments later you are still not exactly sure what in the hell just happened? In life's routine and mindless motions--walking, eating, giving someone a hug--there will inevitably come a moment when suddenly, unexpectedly, things break down. Though walking is generally an uneventful process, in the millions of steps that you take in a lifetime it is nearly guaranteed that at some point you will trip and fall. Feeding yourself seems a similarly mundane task, but if the stars are out of line you may once in a rare instance surprise yourself with the sharp tines of a fork in your face instead of its intended target. And sometimes, if the circumstances are just right, you may be absolutely astonished to find that in the process of giving an acquaintance a hug, you have inadvertently ended up with their nose in your mouth. 

If you are lucky, there will be no one around to bear witness to your ineptitude, and you can laugh it off and continue on your way. If you are unlucky, however, there will be a crowd of people from whose perspective it appears that you have just kissed your friend's wife. (Your friend's wife!) But actually, you will soon realize that it is even worse than that, because as your face accidentally, horrifically collides with hers, it appears that you had been in the process of saying something (of utmost importance, no doubt), and so your mouth is, unfortunately, open. The next thing you know your teeth are colliding with her adorable, helpless nose, incisors first. Your eyes go wide and you retreat with gasped apologies and an unstoppable, hysterical giggle burbling up from inside, ready to erupt. She is nicer than nice and totally nonchalant, brushing it off with a dismissive wave of the hand. "Oh, I'm used to it," she shrugs. "My husband is always messing with my nose." And then she kindly shows you to the door and wishes you a good night. And not a moment too soon, because once outside you find yourself on the sidewalk, staggering and doubled over in helpless, horrified laughter, thinking, I bit her nose! I bit D's wife's nose!, hoping that no one chooses that precise moment to look out the window.


  1. yesterday I was just breathing (kind of heavy from walking up some stairs) and my mouth was open and there was spit and... some girl got splattered with my spit in her face.


  2. I have never had something like this happen, but now that I say that....

    Eh. It's life. Glad she was cool about it!

    Oh, and I know about my animals....they really are so cute but in an effort to leave the title of crazy pet lady to my best friend I refrain from posting a billion pics. That and they just move too damn fast!

  3. I never pegged you for a nose-biter, kinky.

  4. While I've never had something awkward happen to me in a hug - the rest of life is pretty much this kind of awkward "I should have mastered this by the age of 3"...

  5. When I was in 7th grade my class was practicing on the stage for some program at school. The 8th graders were coming into the gym to practice after us. - I was the last one off the stage and I FELL OFF in front of the whole 8th grade - and the boy I liked was in that class. Good memories.