Thursday, November 25, 2010

Why turkey is overrated, anyway

I've been doing some thinking lately. Sometimes, in every girl's life there comes a moment when she must ask herself, how did I get here?  No, really. How did I get here? 

...And she may ask do I work this? And she may ask herself...where is that large automobile? Sing it with me now, people, Letting the days go by, water flowing underground, once in a lifetime... Ahem. But I digress. 

The point is, if you find yourself asking the same kinds of questions, then here is a brief litmus test I have created to evaluate the Relative Fuckedupedness of Your Life. (What? It is so a word. It's German.)  It is comprised of only three questions, and they are:

A) Do you find yourself regularly communicating with people you can't see, and may never have actually met? Check. (Hello, my lovelies.)

B) Are you thirty years old and single, with a, let's just say, less than illustrious dating history? Check.

C) Do you spend major holidays alone? And check and mate.

So, if at some point today, as you spend time with your family and loved ones, sharing lovingly prepared food, warm memories, and maybe a glass of something festive, perhaps with a crackling fire in the background...and if during this time you think you might see something outside in the bushes, perhaps a shadowy figure peering longingly through the front window, well, don't worry. I'm sure it's nothing.

Oh, don't worry about me. I'll just be here, counting my blessings. If by blessings you mean tears. And if by tears you mean back-to-back episodes of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Which I do. Mean. By which I mean, happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

Now sing it with me, Same as it ever was, same as it ever was, same as it ever was, same as it ever was...    
UPDATE: In lieu of dripping hot tears into my remote control, as tempting as that sounds, I have decided to spend the day serving food to those less fortunate. Which is truly a terrible expression, isn't it? "Those less fortunate." Less fortunate than what? As I think we have determined, fate hasn't exactly smiled on me, either, in many ways, and so I will just say that I will be spending the day with my people. So, ha! Take that, Talking Heads!


  1. *Hugs*

    You made me tear up a little bit.
    I've had the unfortunate pleasure of spending some major holidays...alone! on more than one occasion.

    Builds character? Sure.... thats what I tell myself as I drink wine straight from the bottle in the bath.

    It's not easy, but it's also not the end of the world. Just lights a fire under your ass to make sure you can surround yourself with people, anyone, people in the exact same position as you. You'd be surprised how many people out there can not get home or to friends on any holiday.

    Kootos to you for serving up some much needed food and warmth to those less fortunate.

    That is one of the most selfless acts another person can do. Give up their time away from their loves ones to show those less fortunate that they matter too and although you do not know them, you care.

    Today hun, you are my hero!

    Much love and understanding & Happy Thanksgiving.

    Just Saying.

  2. You've met some of us. Happy Thanksgiving, and I'll hope to see over Christmas/New Years.

  3. Even though I've never met you, I really do just think you are fantastic. Much love to you! (I hope that's not creepy.)

    P.S. I spent the morning crying and watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. There's something effed up about the holidays. At least you are directing your energies in a productive way. Hugs.

  4. Well I think "those less fortunate" are people with no money, no jobs, and perhaps no roof over their heads so I wouldn't necessary compare your lack of luck in the love department to that.

    Happy Thanksgiving.

  5. The only way I was comparing myself was with others who also may not have friends or family around to share the holiday with this year.

    It is true that there are always people better and worse off than yourself.

  6. aww I'm sorry you have to spend the holiday alone :( I did that last year for Xmas (stayed in France, my husband worked Xmas day) and it sucked. But don't get so down on yourself...luck can change in the blink of an eye and

    I'm sure your family wishes you were at home celebrating with them too :) Joyeux Action de Grace!

  7. There are also people (like me) who are spending the holiday with family, but the scene is far, far from the one you describe. The holidays with family can be effed up too. Sorry to not say something more positive-- just wanted to let you know that I am next to you standing outside that house in the shadows!

  8. Listen, i know you won't be surprised at this in the least but i've spent some great holidays alone, i mean i went to the bar and got royally fucking drunk, smoked some weed and stumbled around empty city streets but they were fun, once spent a Thanksgiving in bed with the shakes after drinking grain alchohol and vomitting up pieces of my liver, almost burnt the apt. down one x-mas eve when loaded i put a t.v. dinner in the oven and then blacked out for five or six hours (luckily they don't catch on fire like they used to)so quit the sad sack bit and find an open bar... and really what you did today was better than what most people did and like anon says, families are the cruelest of jokes, so buck up Charlie Brown it ain't all bad.

  9. Yeah, as much as I miss my family....holidays at home are hell. Though if you had come back to your family we could have gone and drank together! Some other time. :)

    Happy Thanksgiving!

  10. OK, so I'm probably older than your mother and we haven't met but I still think you're cool and it would be easy to hibernate and do nothing but you are helping people less fortunate. And believe me, they really are. And anyway, aren't all great writers supposed to be a little bit tortured? Oh heck Rachel, I don't know what to say but I hope that you get/got through Thanksgiving OK. I had to invite myself to my sister's place for Christmas so that I wouldn't be on my own. (Mind you, it will be summer, and it's at a beach....)

  11. Just wanted to say Kootos again to you for making the best of this Thanksgiving Long Weekend.

    You're stronger than you've been giving yourself credit for.


  12. You're singing my song, sister!

    Nothing worse than feeling alone in a roomful of people. Especially when said people are your family. Ever wondered why they were called the Manson FAMILY? ;-)

  13. Are you 42 and single? No I didn't think so.

    Was your last date over 2 years ago? Again, I didn't think so.

    Did you spend the holiday weekend at your own mother's wedding without a date? Yep, didn't think so.

    Did you get cornered by the judge who did the ceremony, who was drunk, and swaying over you so close you thought he was gonna put his penis in your mouth? And did he hit on you by talking on and on about how much he liked your MOM?

    Check and mate.

    There are worse things than being 42 and single -- and I have experienced them all. But you have not. No your life is not fucked up. You are on the journey.

  14. If you need proof of how fucked up your life isn't -- reread your last post.

    You could have stayed with that guy. Rather than be alone.

    You could have put up with his shit bc it is the price you pay to have a boyfriend.

    Or you could have just avoided him.

    You didn't. He crossed a line, you walked out, you did not call him and did not care, when he didn't get the clue and came looking you told him flat out it was over.

    And then you went on singing your song. Who cares if you are singing it to yourself -- you know there are guys out there who DON'T deserve to hear it.

  15. How to be alone. It's not so bad really.