I've been doing some thinking lately. Sometimes, in every girl's life there comes a moment when she must ask herself, how did I get here? No, really. How did I get here?
...And she may ask herself...how do I work this? And she may ask herself...where is that large automobile? Sing it with me now, people, Letting the days go by, water flowing underground, once in a lifetime... Ahem. But I digress.
The point is, if you find yourself asking the same kinds of questions, then here is a brief litmus test I have created to evaluate the Relative Fuckedupedness of Your Life. (What? It is so a word. It's German.) It is comprised of only three questions, and they are:
A) Do you find yourself regularly communicating with people you can't see, and may never have actually met? Check. (Hello, my lovelies.)
B) Are you thirty years old and single, with a, let's just say, less than illustrious dating history? Check.
C) Do you spend major holidays alone? And check and mate.
So, if at some point today, as you spend time with your family and loved ones, sharing lovingly prepared food, warm memories, and maybe a glass of something festive, perhaps with a crackling fire in the background...and if during this time you think you might see something outside in the bushes, perhaps a shadowy figure peering longingly through the front window, well, don't worry. I'm sure it's nothing.
Oh, don't worry about me. I'll just be here, counting my blessings. If by blessings you mean tears. And if by tears you mean back-to-back episodes of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Which I do. Mean. By which I mean, happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
Now sing it with me, Same as it ever was, same as it ever was, same as it ever was, same as it ever was...
UPDATE: In lieu of dripping hot tears into my remote control, as tempting as that sounds, I have decided to spend the day serving food to those less fortunate. Which is truly a terrible expression, isn't it? "Those less fortunate." Less fortunate than what? As I think we have determined, fate hasn't exactly smiled on me, either, in many ways, and so I will just say that I will be spending the day with my people. So, ha! Take that, Talking Heads!