Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Why it's too little, too late

When I said in the comments section of this post, "The guy is an unemployed pot smoker; persistence isn't really his 'thing,'" I may have spoken too soon. As it turns out, once the words "it's over" come into play, persistence is very much his thing. Texts, e-mails, some answered, some not. That delicate balance, walking that fine line between ignoring him altogether and not wanting to piss him off too much, since he does know where I live, after all. Funny, though, that a guy unheard from for four days when he thought we were together would become so very communicative once none of it matters anymore. In his texts and his e-mails you can see a clear progression of the stages of grief, starting with denial ("I still have an extra ticket to that concert if you want, no pressure"), and moving through anger ("This is bullshit, you were interested in me the last time I saw you"), bargaining ("I'm done being pushy; I'm chill now, I swear!"), and sadness ("I'm not saying I go around yelling your name like I'm in Rocky or anything, but sometimes it hits me. And I'm like, oh, Rachel's gone...that sucks. There's times like the other night, friends and I were sitting around the dock drinking wine. It was a nice night with the moon out, people were speaking French, and I just wondered why you weren't there.") He seemed to be having trouble with the final stage of acceptance, and so I decided to help him out a bit. He didn't seem to be getting it, after all. All this nostalgic bullshit. And so I told him basically everything I laid out in this post:

a) the list-making, money-counting, tally-keeping
b) the mother fucking pad thai
c) not my type
d) unemployed
e) not even that nice to me
f) accused me (me!) of not being nice to him

And then came the e-mail to end all e-mails. It was the fucking War and Peace of e-mails. Like that Friends episode, you know, where Ross is all, "Eighteen pages, front and back!" For once I am not the Rachel in this situation, is what I'm saying. He out-Racheled me. 

The tone of the e-mail wandered schizophrenically, bouncing from remorse to accusations, denial to contrition, from "I'm not going to ask for a second chance" to "but I would take it if you offered." 

He fucked up, is what he was trying to say to me, but I wasn't listening, he said.

And he wasn't nice to me? I didn't think he was nice when he did x, y, and z? In fact, he almost sent flowers to me at work one time, is how nice of a guy he is. He thought about it, anyway. 

And, apparently I am the one who can't get over the mother fucking pad thai. (ME!) Because he is certainly not the one who brought it up over and over (and over) again.

With that said, he didn't think it had to be this hard. He thought it could be easy, if we tried. It was nice before, and it could be nice again.

And then he hit me with this: "You just get this way about you sometimes, you look so innocent and precious. Tender and soft. It's so fucking beautiful, and I just wanted to see it again."

Sometimes people can say exactly the right thing, but it doesn't make a bit of difference. Sometimes the timing is off. And sometimes it's just too late.         


  1. Hi. I have been reading you for a while and never commented, but I have to today. This guy sounds like he is not in touch with reality all of the time and I am worried about you. I really think you need to tell him firmly and without feeling that you need to explain yourself that you do not want him to contact you in any way, ever again and that if he continues to harass you, you will contact the police. I would also be sure that your friends/coworkers/neighbors are aware of the situation and will alert you if they see him. I have worked in the mental health field, and this guy sounds like his is somewhat unstable. Good luck.

  2. Honestly, I totally agree with what Katie said. This guy is off his rocker. Talk about excessive.

    I mean, not to be rude or anything, but weren't you guys only dating for a few weeks? When did he have the time to get so invested that he's sending you all these messages and writing these long, dramatic emails?
    In the grand scheme of things, you barely know each other, and he showed he was an ass, and you told him you weren't interested...

    Report him to the authorities if this carries on AND report him to the dating website you met him on so he doesn't pull this shit with some other girl who deems him unworthy of her affection.

    His words/emails may have been flattering, but the relationship is really un-salvageable. He's cheap and mentally unstable and sounds quite pathetic overall. Next!

  3. First of all, that episode of friends was just on TV the other day. Hilarious. We Were On A Break.

    Secondly, Ugh - what a creep!

  4. Yep, as I predicted, he's into the meth and over the edge! Watch your back.

  5. Yup, I'm with you guys on this one. It's been a week now since I've heard from him (and I didn't respond to the last e-mail), so I'm hoping that is that.

  6. God i hate it when i'm right but didn't i say right off that this douchebag was a douchebag? yes i think i did, tell him you have big friends who were real drug dealers and they don't live that far away, explain to him how much damage a hammer can do to someone's hands when they are forced to lay them on table, i bet i can make him shit his pants without laying a finger on him, if i was in the same room that is... or if the asshole keeps it up explain to him what restraining order means and that one should not give up certain information until the statute of limitations is up, that should suffiecently scare the piss out of him enough to leave you alone. your trusted advisor. el kono.

  7. Run far, far, away Rach, faster than you've ever run before.

    Good for you for not falling for that bullshit. It's a game to him. You're someone who's guard he NEEDS to break down to win.
    If he gets there, everything will go back to the way it was.... An abusive relationship.

    xo stay strong.


    omg -- ha ha!

    Anyway, back to you -- this guy is a tool and you were smart to dump him. You gave him a chance but really, the biggest problem is that he doesn't LISTEN. He doesn't hear you.

    And this is the latest example. What part of IT'S OVER does he not hear?

    At least it's good blog fodder.

  9. I almost called you on your birthday. You're welcome.

  10. "He almost sent flowers to me at work one time, is how nice of a guy he is. He thought about it, anyway."

    I thought about getting into Harvard Law School once, but I overselpt and missed the application deadline. The university should not have put the deadline on the very day I had picked to stay out til 4 a.m. failing to pick up a date at any number of local bars. I completely blame the school administration for my subsequent inability to become a wealthy partner at a prestigious law firm.

    But you have a "tender and soft" blog, so there's that, I suppose. A vicarious life. Even though I do not sit around and speak French and think of you--a lot.


  11. Sounds like you were smart to walk away and waste anymore time on his emails! Time to move on.

  12. Sometimes I like arguing with people just for the sake of arguing with them.

    I would probably have argued with him.

  13. Um, I call that too much too soon. What a creep. You don't owe him anything, least of all an explanation. I am really hoping he lays off and I still agree with the folks above who say he's got a screw loose and to be very, very careful.

  14. You're over-analysing this. You've known him for what, two weeks? The commentors here aren't helping you. The time you've spent rationalizing and hand wringing and making your life fodder for unhelpful gawkers and voyeurs ("At least it's good blog fodder") could have been better spent. You want your life's messes to be "blog fodder"? We've all rationalized our bad choices, but you're never going to find happiness with these yutzes feeding your rationalizations.

    The guy is not a creep, you are giving him signals that you're still "in" by responding to him at all. You had sex with him before you got to know him, already knowing he's basically a bum - that's what's too much too soon. Sure, he sounds like a jerk, so just drop it and cut your losses - this would be much easier to do had you not had sex with him. Never mind him being "that invested," look at all the blog space you've dedicated to him! He's been getting what he wants - free poon. Who's the stupid/crazy/creepy/pathetic/got a screw loose one again?

    Never mind "hoping that's that": block his email and phone number and forget he exists. I'm not trying to be mean here, btw - I've done this too, so I'm not all high and mighty. It's just that I'm kind of flabbergasted by how unhelpful your commentors are.

  15. Thag Jones - You've made some excellent points. However calling the rest of us readers "yutzes" is just rude. You could have made your points without insulting the rest of us.

  16. Thag Jones--I never called anyone "stupid/crazy/creepy/pathetic/got a screw loose." For you to imply that those terms apply to me seems a bit out of line. You may not be trying to be mean, but you're not trying very hard not to be, either.

    I don't ask that anyone who comments here be "helpful." Sometimes I may specifically ask for advice, but this was not one of those times. Therefore "helpful" or "unhelpful" is not really the point. As always, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and may share it if they like. All I ask of anyone who comments here (or who wishes to discuss me on other corners of the internet) is that you be kind and respectful.

  17. I'm pretty sure tHag wasn't talking about my advice. Mine comments are based in solid theological fact. WWKD?

  18. Sample comment from Thag Jones blog- "We could cure AIDS if homosexuals would just stop taking it up the arse."

    "And if Junkies would stop being Junkies."

  19. Did you watch that How to Be Alone video I posted on your previous entry? I meant to post it here.

    Hey, I just cribbed words out of the comments on this particular fellow, which don't seem all that accurate apart perhaps from douche. And I do see most of the commentors here as enablers of your misery, but you're free to be miserable if you like, I just felt bad that there was so much unhelpful rubbish here. That advice you got to "smile more" was probably the best advice really.

    As for comments on my blog, what other people say is what other people say and I don't censor comments as a habit. It's pretty well known that AIDS is mostly spread through anal sex and intravenous drug use, so although stated crudely, I don't see the factual error there. Either way, it doesn't have any bearing on what I said here.

  20. Someone needs attention. We could have world peace if we could eliminate religious zealotry, homophobia, bigotry, racism.

  21. Lucky you got out when you did is all I can say - he sounds a tad unbalanced..x

  22. I'm with Kitty... good thing you stopped that shit when you did. He was definitely unstable.

  23. Well...it's not like I completely agree with Thag Jones, but I've been reading your blog for a while, and she certainly has a point. The guy is most definitely a jerk, but I don't think he's unstable since you did reply to his emails/texts. I was in a similar situation once, and it took me over a year to cut all ties to the person. At the time, I didn't think I was leading him on, but I was.