Monday, November 15, 2010

Why I'm alone again (naturally)

So it only took, what, a week for this most recent dating venture to crash and burn? A new record, to be sure, but then again, this is the guy that invited me to meet his mother after date one (I politely declined), and was talking exclusivity by dates two and three (and four and five and oh my GOD please give it a rest). So I suppose it is only fitting that the ending was equally precipitous. You see, while all this time I thought the biggest hurdle to get over was that I wasn't attracted to him physically, it turns out that, appearances aside, once I got past the physical I didn't necessarily like what was inside. Huh. Didn't see that one coming, did you, Internet? To be honest, I didn't either. 

This whole experience has been akin to trying to shove a square peg in a round hole, and of convincing myself that, no, it's not such a big deal, we'll just shave a little off this side here, and nip off a corner there, and look! Only after all that it turns out that it's not a square peg after all, it's a hexagon, and then it's an octagon, and more and more sides and weird angles appearing all the time. Eventually you just have to throw up your hands and say, I give up. It's not worth it to me. Though he may tell me I have beautiful eyes and perfect lips, the rest, oh my god, the rest isn't worth it at all. 

After spending the day together yesterday, ten hours' worth, the night ended with me throwing a handful of cash at him, tears in my eyes, while he just laughed. Oh so amused, was he. Back when he admitted to being a former drug dealer, he modified it by saying he was "actually more of an accountant." And oh, if I had known then how apt that label would be. You see, the guy keeps track of everything. Dinners paid, bar tabs picked up, compliments given and services rendered. Everything goes down on a mental checklist, which he would then remind me of on a near-constant basis. At first it was, "but I shaved for you." Then it was, "but I paid for x, y, and z." "Yes, and I paid for dinner last time," I reminded him. "I tried to pay the time before that too, but you said no." "Yes, but I have still paid for more," he said. And what is there to do but throw up my hands? Oh please let me go back in time and pay for more, sweetie, I'm so sorry. "You realize I don't have a lot of money, babe. You do realize that, don't you?" The pity ploy. And this from the guy who sits on his couch watching sports all day. The guy who says, why get a job when I can live perfectly well on the $200 a week I make betting online? For doing nothing! And so proud he is, of that, of doing nothing. And I'm supposed to say what? Oh honey, I'm so proud of you? No. I say, "I don't have a lot of money either. We're both sort of in the same boat, here." Only we're not. We're both in the ocean, sure, only one of us is paddling like hell for the shore, and the other is drifting along eating bon bons and waiting for the Coast Guard to arrive. They're both valid options, I suppose, and I'm not saying one way is necessarily better than the other. But don't try to convince me that you're somehow more stranded than I am when there's a paddle right in your goddamn boat. Use it.

And then there was the pad thai incident. Oh my god, the goddamned pad thai. That he left, in my fridge. And that I, just home from work the next day, and hungry, and the hour late, made the mistake of eating. Not without a little bit of reservation. After all, he had made such a big deal about taking home the leftovers. But I did text him about it, and his response was along the lines that sure, I could eat it if I provided a replacement for it by the next time he came over. In my ravenous state, I concluded that that seemed a reasonable request, and helped myself. And I didn't even eat all of it! I left some of it for him! But when he came over the day after that, and I hadn't yet managed to provide a suitable replacement for the portion that I did eat, oh, did shit hit the fan. And the best part, and oh, this is priceless, was when he said, "You know sweetie, even if you had eaten my pad thai, that would have been ok." To which I replied, "Oh, actually, now that you mention it..." And oh how quickly his tune did change. At first I thought he must be joking around, because seriously? You're making a big deal about this? No, I mean, seriously? But after the n-teenth time that he brought it up, I had about had it. OH MY GOD, I AM SORRY FOR EATING YOUR PAD THAI! I WISH I NEVER HAD! MEA CULPA! CAN WE STOP TALKING ABOUT IT NOW PLEASE? 

Last night was sort of the last straw. It was late, we were hungry, and we had failed to plan ahead. A quick driving tour of his small, sleepy town revealed that no restaurants were open, and so we found ourselves aimlessly wandering the aisles of a local grocery store. You know when you're so hungry, and yet have no idea what in the world you want to eat? It was sort of like that. No, that would take too long to make, it's late, I still have homework I need to do, etc. Finally I said, ok, how about spaghetti? We can make spaghetti. He said fine. Back at his house we bickered about whose job it was to actually make said spaghetti. He thought I should make it because I'm the one who wanted spaghetti. I thought he should make it because it was his kitchen and I didn't know where anything was. I told him we could both make it, and I would help him. Grumbling ensued. After a whole lot more complaining and a mostly silent meal, he pointed out that he had now cooked me both oatmeal AND spaghetti (ignoring the fact that I had actually been a pretty equal participant in both) while I hadn't yet cooked anything for him. And not only that, but did I remember that he had also paid for x, y, and z? I mean, not that he minded doing any of that, of course, but maybe I could try being a bit nicer to him. Given that at the precise moment of this conversation I was nuzzled up against him with my legs in his lap, my nose in his neck, and his earlobe in my mouth, I asked him what exactly he thought being "nicer" entailed. "Well not eating my pad thai, for starters!" he said, or rather exploded.

Oh. No.

"You know what?" I said, breaking free from our embrace. "Here, why don't I give you ten dollars for your fucking pad thai. Hey, why don't I give you fifty dollars to pay you back for everything else, too. It's worth it if it means I never have to hear about it again." I reached for my wallet, and he didn't stop me. In it were the remains of my commission check from work, for the measly few apartments I rented over the summer. Twenties. Damn. "Here, how about sixty dollars?" I said. I took out three twenties and threw them at him. He picked them up and placed them calmly on the table next to him, grinning all the while. 

"Are you sure you don't want to just pay forty?" he said, pleased as punch. "Here, you want twenty back?"

"I don't know!" I yelled. "You're the one who has it all figured out, apparently. You seem to know exactly how much I owe you; you probably have it all written down somewhere. So I don't know, you tell me!" 

"Well it's probably more than that," he said with a smirk. 

"I'm going now," I said, and headed for the door. "Oh, and look, there's a quarter on the floor, here. You should probably pick it up, since you're so desperate for money."

"You could probably use it more than me, now," he said, still smiling, so amused. Probably thinking I was "ballsy." Probably thinking how he would tell this story to our grandchildren, someday. "So do you still like me?" he asked, before I walked out the door. It seems funny, now, that he said this, but for some reason he seemed to think this was a fight like any other. That I would come back, again, like I always had before.

"I'm working on it," I told him through tightly gritted teeth, because I hadn't processed it yet, and in the heat of the moment hadn't yet come to any conclusions. I even gave him a tight-lipped kiss before I left. But once I got outside, and once I got home, and he didn't text, and he didn't e-mail, and he didn't call to apologize, and once I realized how inordinately relieved I was to be able to go to sleep by myself, in my very own bed that was only mine, well, then I knew. I'm better on my own.

Oh, and also? He was a complete and utter dick about wearing a condom.

The end. 

28 comments:

  1. That lasted a week too long.
    And the condom bit... well there would have been NO LOVE without a glove!!!!

    Dont give him another thought.

    stepping stone to bigger and better things. It's like a right of passage that we dont want to take, that all women venture into one of these guys and dont end it sooner.

    yay for being single.
    xo

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  2. Oh what an utter wanker! It's so much better to be single than having to endure the company of someone like that. It's just a shame we have to kiss so many frogs and toads along the way before we find someone worth keeping. It will happen though...keep your chin up.

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  3. oh my he turned out to be quite a pyschopath didn't he? You are better off without him because it seems he has some issues to work out. You'll find someone a lot better and normal. I'm sure of it.

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  4. Quel imbecile! Oublie le!
    You tell a good story though!

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  5. You can still tell the story to your grandkids because in 40 years it will be funny (are you not sort of laughing now at the incredulousness of it all) but LUCKILY you will be with another and non-money pinching lovely man and this episode will just be filed under "grandma's funny dating stories".

    So sorry it didn't work out...um actually I'm glad it didn't work out...no sorries...that guy is CRAZY! I'm glad you decided to run...

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  6. better off without him. I know you live in a small town but people move everyday; maybe give the online dating a rest for a bit and see if you meet someone through a common interest. e.g. Yoga, book store, video store even.
    It's bad enough when guys get mean about wearing a condom but after less than a week! You're better off, chin-up girl!

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  7. You don't need that sort of craziness in your life. And to show this level of insanity after just one WEEK? Who knows what you'd be in store for in, say, a month. A year. A lifetime. Oh God, no.

    Good riddance, I say. It's just one more frog that you had to kiss in order to get one step closer to the prince.

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  8. I'm not one to gloat, but allow me to gloat here Charlie Brown, i told you this guy was a douchebag didn't i? now you don't have to say i was right but i was right, Rassles was right too, in fact i'm thinking Rassles and I should have our own t.v. show like the View or Dr. Phil but better, we drink and do bong hits and give advice to the lovelorn. That said you're better off without this dickhead, the whole money thing? fuck him, when i was working in that field i paid for everything for the womens, paid for my friends, i was never like, hey remember that $500 bar tab we ran up, you owe me, what a half-ass dipshit, i think i want to beat his little ass up. okay i'm done.

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  9. The money thing can be awkward at the beginning of a relationship, sure, but wow, he sounds like a class-A jackass. And what a glorious exit! I can only wish that if I were ever in your position I would have the presence of mind to do what you did. I was practically cheering for you while reading this.

    The fact that he kept the money just proves that he's absolutely not worth your time, and will, I hope, prevent you from having any second thoughts.

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  10. Stay far, far away from him!

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  11. Giving that guy any money was just about the dumbest thing I have ever heard from any dating story ever.

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  12. Wow - that guy sounds truly horrific. And you're a grown-up and I'm going to sound like my mother, but why did the condom question even need to come up within only a week? Especially with someone you had major reservations about in the first place? You deserve a lot better.

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  13. Wow, he really was an ass. Good riddance!

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  14. So I suppose you won't be meeting his momn after all.

    Anyway, he's a jerk. Your grandchildren would have stupid genes.

    M.

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  15. PS--You should have kept the money. The online betting should have been the tipoff.

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  16. I'm a big supporter of the "getcha back system" which means that if you pay for something, I'm going to getcha back. If I pay for something, I do not expect you to pay me back unless we agreed to split it before any transaction occurred.

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  17. Tessa- It only took a week for things to go from good to bad. We dated for longer than a week.

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  18. Bummer. I guess he wasn't the âme soeur we were hoping, despite his soulful writing. You were brave to call it quits. The money thing and his lack of job motivation would be real deal-breakers for me, too.

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  19. I would rather die old and alone than to have to put up with a douchebag like that. You are far better off without him.

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  20. ummm...really, I don't want to be unkind. i've been reading your blog for quite a while, and it seems like you might want to talk to someone. professionally. you seem kindof messed up. you're a brilliant writer-incredibly sharp and witty. but you seem to continually make crappy choices. especially about sleeping with loosers. maybe if you just waited a few weeks, or months before jumping into bed with them?
    maybe i'm wrong. but there appears to be a rather unsuccessful pattern in your life...

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  21. I'm sorry, but I have to agree. I think you would be much better off jumping into bed with tighters.

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  22. UGH. Being cheap because you're broke is one thing. Being shamelessly cheap and turning your relationship into a litany of debts is quite another. But bitching about wearing a condom? DROP HIM OFF THE CLIFF

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  23. oh man i wish you hadn't actually given him the money. please update on if he's tried to contact you since. and if he does try, please tell me you won't respond.

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  24. also the pad thai thing is RIDICULOUS! if you wanted it so badly, don't forget it at someone else's place! it's in your fridge--that means it's fair game. plus, who even eats leftovers days later? yeah, you might feel disappointed you forgot them, but if you can't go pick them up the next day then they're just sorta done with.

    and to refuse to let a girl pay for dinner and then hold that you paid for it over her head later on? that is despicable!

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  25. Haaaaa this story is awesome and the punchline is awesomer and also don't let the haters get you down. We all date crazies; we very often sleep with crazies; we very, very often require what seems, in retrospect, to be an inordinate amount of time to pick out the crazies. But like everyone up there said, this will be a great one to tell the grandkids. Eventually.

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  26. Wow. What a huge total asshole. The answer to "but I'm paying for everything" is, IMO: "Oh sweetie I don't care what we do. You don't have to pick things that are expensive. I'm happy going for a drive or having a picnic."

    Gosh this story is just so awful on so many levels. I understand why you gave him the money. He was making it sound like you owed him something, and you wanted to be totally quit of him.

    The condom thing is unacceptable too. I'm sorry.

    The best thing now is...NEXT!

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  27. Oh wow, Rachel. I once dated a guy who is only referred to as McCrazy by me. He was a bounty hunter and had so many weapons in his home (at the time I wasn't too keen on guns) that I was afraid to sit anywhere for fear of setting a hidden one off. He turned out to be a wee bit bipolar. But anyway, this story was hilarious, and if he was a dick about wearing condoms you're lucky you aren't going to end up with one of his dumbass offspring. Let some other nutjob take that hit.

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