Friday, October 8, 2010

Why the only joy in my life is my dish soap

Things are no more exciting around here, nor has the latest foray into online dating improved much. Every once in a while I get an e-mail that provokes a chuckle, but I tell you, nothing compares to the messages I would get when I was living in France. I was going through my draft folder today and found some gems that I had been holding on to. I don't know why I haven't posted these already, because these are gold, people. I think I'll just post them a couple at a time for now, because the grammar and punctuation mistakes and overblown sense of optimism can be a bit much to take in large quantities.

So without further ado, here we have our first e-mail from George, in Cairo: 

Subject: I'm interested

Hello my belove cute, How are you? hope you are fine and in perfect condition of health.My name is George ,i am a footballer, base in cairo.I am loving,romantic,fun and kind,i come online to serch for a mature lady that understand what true-love and marriage is all about. And I like your profile and will like to establishe a serious relationship with you because after going through your profile i pick interest in you out of billions of people in this world but i hope you will not turn me down by my request.

Expect to hear from you.....

Thanks.
George.

Oh, George. You had me at hello...and then lost me again immediately thereafter. Hopefully you got a response from one of your billion other prospects.

Next up we have Andrea. (Seriously? Andrea? Even for a European that seems like a weird name for a guy.) Well, let's see what he has to say:

Hi dear,
I checked out your profile, guess what i discover.
A resplendent woman with bewitching face
With eyes like yours you must bring down the men one by one to your feet ... you are so sensual that I could help you! I wish more than anything get in touch with you ... do not leave me without reply!

well, what to say. You have a very miser profile, but in the same time these few words (and your first photo) have been able to intrigue me.

I have been very impressed by your vitality.
You seem to have a GREAT amount of joy inside yourself, and it seems to be hard for you to try to stop it.
And i have to admit i am very, very, very envious of you. Really.
You eat EVERYTHING and you remain thin and lithe as a gazelle. I am on the opposite side of the spectrum: for me it's enogh to pass IN FRONT OF a bakery and i suddenly am 200 gr. heavier.. :-D
(I wonder what i have to smile, thinking about it.. )

I really don't know. You are "new in town", so maybe you'd prefere to meet people closer to you. And maybe a little younger.
So i would like to know a little more about you.

Hope to meet you again, and forgive my rotten english.

Ciao
Andrea

Wow, Andrea, you're right. I do have joy. It's like, I have so much joy that all I can do every day is try to stop the joy, and you know? It is hard. You're the only person who really understands me, Andrea.

But seriously though, I think we may have encountered a bit of a language barrier, here. See, Andrea, you chose the word "joy" when I think what you meant to say was "bitter hate seething out of every pore." It's an easy mistake to make. Maybe next time use a dictionary. 

Bitterly yours,
Rachel

More of these to come. In the meantime, check out some of the crazier missives certain gentlemen (and I use that term loosely) have sent me in the past here and here.   

12 comments:

  1. Oh Rachel, you and your miser profile! I read your post and laughed and laughed. When I was in France I used to get endless messages from North African guys via Skype - I have no idea how they found me. But the messages were not a patch on yours - so poetic! Mine just said, "I could be good friend for you." I think they were just after my hard-earned carte de sejour! Lol. I look forward to the next episode.

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  2. Andrea's a clear winner. I mean, what GUY talks about gaining weight just from walking past a bakery? Really!

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  3. These are hilarious. Thanks for giving me a chuckle this morning!!

    Dandy

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  4. Oh my god, Rachel. I have tears streaming down my face. These are hilarious! And yet tragic...

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  5. Hello beateful turrtle dofe, i like profile much, think you fine me wonnerful when now. I tall like giraffe and you like gazelle. Do giraffe and gazeele mate? ho-ho that hummor. I very funny. Make laff and bought you dinner. Contac me i am make you miser and you photo intreege me. I am most impressed with vitality and fine ass. Forgive me rotten engrish. I live in Picksburgh. Ciao, El Kono

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  6. My Cherry S'more, you maketh me blush.

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  7. I wish I could "like" comments.

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  8. Chrys--You can! I think you just did. :)

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  9. You had me at the title of this post...

    ... you're hilarious!

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  10. These are so funny!! I'm glad you posted them for us to see/laugh at.

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  11. I do not go from cairo, but I am loving you, my resplendent gazelle. Kiss me quick dear one.

    M.

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