Thursday, October 14, 2010

Why I would rather go out with a talking dog than either of these guys

Hey future readers. Though it may be Thursday for you, it's still last Saturday for me, as I am writing this post in advance in anticipation of my trip to New York City. See, now that's planning. I may not have packed so much as a solitary sock yet, but dammit, my blog will be ready to go! 

Last week I promised you more e-mails from the bottom of the online dating barrel, and Internet, I found you some doozies.

First up we have a 33 year-old male from Miami, FL. It wasn't his e-mail that caught my eye so much as his self-description on his profile page, which reads: 

Im a cruise ship photo manager but in the past I've been a soldier, graphic designer, TV commercial director, prisoner, taxi driver, teacher and want to add a few more before I go including a husband and father.

Here on I would like to find someone significant to continue to shape my time and life on this earth. PS Im willing to relocate if need be.

One of these things is not like the other (soldier), one of these things just isn't the same (graphic designer), one of these things is not like the other (tv commercial director), thank you for playing our ga-- Wait, prisoner? Seriously? Thought you'd just slip that one in there? And you'd like to "add a few more" to your list? Like what? Con man? Meth addict? Date rapist? The world is your oyster, man.

Next we have a 39 year-old man from Woburn, MA (Wooburn!) who writes: 

I like work out at the gym. I like to hangout watch TV at night. What I wont is a girl that likes going away at spearmint on the weekends or going long rides or walks. Would like meet women that likes joke. Likes scary movies and a woman likes have fun. Women that can open up to me, like me for who I am. I’m very normal guy wants same as all other guys.  

Now, I almost feel bad for posting this one, because clearly the guy is not a native English speaker, right? I mean, the poor man probably moved here from India, or Ecuador, or the Philippines or somewhere for more opportunities and a better life, wouldn't you think? Except that this (poor?) man goes out of his way to state in his profile that he was born and raised in Medford, MA. Now, I really hate to make fun of the borderline illiterate, but...well, no, apparently I don't really have a problem with it. Because, seriously? SERIOUSLY?! "Likes going away at spearmint on the weekends?" Dude, I don't even know what that means. "Would like meet woman likes going long rides or walks." This is what I imagine my dog would talk like, if my dog could talk. And if I had a dog. In fact, I'm not altogether convinced that this wasn't written by a really smart (and particularly dexterous) talking dog. Like the one in the Bush's baked beans commercials. For some reason I find this more believable than the idea that the above was written by an actual adult human being.

Well, that's it for this week's episode of Most Ridiculously Unsuitable Guys (aka MR. UG). But don't worry, there's more where those came from. (There's always more.) We'll see you next time, and remember--making fun of people isn't wrong if they never find out.

(I'm going to hell, aren't I?) 


  1. OMG, hilarious!!!!

    The "spearmint" thing reminds me of a friend of my cousin who would say, "If you maple leaf that you're [whatever]..." when she was a kid. Even as a teenager!

    Maple leaf? That's what she thought "make believe" really was.

    Funnier? She's now a medical doctor. Not just a "maple leaf" doctor! A real one!

  2. Hahahahaha... Oh Rachel. You are funny.

    I guess at least guy #2 made an ATTEMPT at using spell check, right? And it's a good sign that bachelor #1 can leave the county/state?

  3. Those were awesome!! No, you're not going to hell (at least not this week) :-))) Plus, the karma of working in the city to enhance literacy cancels out making fun of illiterates, right??

  4. Oh Rachel, that is so funny. My "I can be good friend for you" just pales in comparison! As for the prisoner - well, I did think it could have been a typo and he meant poisoner. Oh no, that's not such a good career either.... You go girl. I am so looking forward to your book!

  5. Oh geez, thanks for making me laugh so hard I almost cried. That last guy is a doozy!

  6. "making fun of people isn't wrong if they never find out" LOL, so true, so true.

    Oh and if my dog had opposable thumbs he totally could have written a better profile than that ;)

    Keep them coming! I love reading your online dating rejects.

  7. Yeah that's funny, make fun of my profile for all the world to see, i'm gonna maple leaf like i didn't see this and spearmint on some live mices.

  8. "It's not a lie if you believe it." -- George Costanza

    And it's not wrong if your reply emails were the same as your post. They were, weren't they?

  9. I was so lost with these. "Spearmint" made me cock my head to one side and wonder what on earth he was talking about. And you don't find that every day. He's a real gem in the rough sort, I can tell. :)