Last week I promised you more e-mails from the bottom of the online dating barrel, and Internet, I found you some doozies.
First up we have a 33 year-old male from Miami, FL. It wasn't his e-mail that caught my eye so much as his self-description on his profile page, which reads:
Im a cruise ship photo manager but in the past I've been a soldier, graphic designer, TV commercial director, prisoner, taxi driver, teacher and want to add a few more before I go including a husband and father.
Here on I would like to find someone significant to continue to shape my time and life on this earth. PS Im willing to relocate if need be.
One of these things is not like the other (soldier), one of these things just isn't the same (graphic designer), one of these things is not like the other (tv commercial director), thank you for playing our ga-- Wait, prisoner? Seriously? Thought you'd just slip that one in there? And you'd like to "add a few more" to your list? Like what? Con man? Meth addict? Date rapist? The world is your oyster, man.
Next we have a 39 year-old man from Woburn, MA (Wooburn!) who writes:
I like work out at the gym. I like to hangout watch TV at night. What I wont is a girl that likes going away at spearmint on the weekends or going long rides or walks. Would like meet women that likes joke. Likes scary movies and a woman likes have fun. Women that can open up to me, like me for who I am. I’m very normal guy wants same as all other guys.
Now, I almost feel bad for posting this one, because clearly the guy is not a native English speaker, right? I mean, the poor man probably moved here from India, or Ecuador, or the Philippines or somewhere for more opportunities and a better life, wouldn't you think? Except that this (poor?) man goes out of his way to state in his profile that he was born and raised in Medford, MA. Now, I really hate to make fun of the borderline illiterate, but...well, no, apparently I don't really have a problem with it. Because, seriously? SERIOUSLY?! "Likes going away at spearmint on the weekends?" Dude, I don't even know what that means. "Would like meet woman likes going long rides or walks." This is what I imagine my dog would talk like, if my dog could talk. And if I had a dog. In fact, I'm not altogether convinced that this wasn't written by a really smart (and particularly dexterous) talking dog. Like the one in the Bush's baked beans commercials. For some reason I find this more believable than the idea that the above was written by an actual adult human being.
Well, that's it for this week's episode of Most Ridiculously Unsuitable Guys (aka MR. UG). But don't worry, there's more where those came from. (There's always more.) We'll see you next time, and remember--making fun of people isn't wrong if they never find out.
(I'm going to hell, aren't I?)