Saturday, July 17, 2010

Why one is the loneliest number

Whenever I haven't posted in a long time, you can rest assured it's not because I'm having so much fun. I will always find time to tell you about fun. Nonetheless, when anonymous commenters start throwing the words "blog" and "abandon" around, and I realize I haven't posted anything in ten days, mein gott, I figure it's probably about time to write something, whether it's fun or not.

Warning: This is a post about my loneliness. I know! Like, tell it to your Myspace page, right? Or, Livejournal called, it wants its post back. Mood: where is my frowny face emoticon?!

Right. You know what doesn't help? Watching indie movies about lonely outsiders who find that one other lonely outsider who is obviously perfect for them because they are both lonely and kind of messed up. Also not helping: sitting down with a bowl of popcorn in front of a Netflixed episode of Ally McBeal. Fade in to see... Ally sitting on the couch staring intently at the screen, munching on a bowl of popcorn. OH MY GOD, I AM A WALKING CLICHE. Although, if memory serves me Ally eventually gets to make out with Robert Downy Jr., whereas I am thinking that if I get to make out with anyone before the next presidential election it will be a minor miracle of sorts. Before the World Cup 2014? It's good to have goals. 

To file under other feelings of growing despair: the simultaneous realization that at some recent point unbeknownst to you seemingly everyone in your new grad program has Facebook friended each other, and sort of relatedly, they are all talking about some movie they went to see last night. And this is when all those murmuring voices in your head that like to try to convince you that you are inherently unlikeable (and let's not even get started on loveable; it would take a team of psychologists I think at this point, and each of those psychologists would need another back-up team of psychologists just to handle the overflow), this is when those voices start banging on pots and pans and blowing into those New Year's Eve noisemakers and saying "Ha! I told you so!" 

It is not a coincidence that I am posting at 11:00 p.m. on a Saturday night, is what I am saying. But there! I have posted! Are you happy?


  1. Oh Rachel... I want to give you a hug. Which I know isn't going to help a great deal but it's best I can do from here. I am feeling a bit gloomy too, just about going back to school (teaching) tomorrow, after a two week break. But it's just the usual Sunday night dreads really. And it will pass. As all things do, but I wish things would perk up for you SOON!

  2. Okay, I know you're down and all, but at least you're still funny and charming. This made me laugh:

    "I know! Like, tell it to your Myspace page, right? Or, Livejournal called, it wants its post back. Mood: where is my frowny face emoticon?!"

    Also, I hope you at least had a bottle of wine on your quiet Saturday night. It makes things better. Really, it does. I know because I had one of those nights on Friday. I tried to make the best of it.

  3. I have been moping around a lot myself. Maybe someone put something in the water. I hope you feel better soon.

  4. I never comment anywhere, but I want to say Hi and I get it. I'm there. I'm where you are, sort of. Ugh. Laid off from a university, so I guess I'm actually worse off. You're still working, aren't you? One good thing.

    Sheesh. I bet that was helpful. Sigh. Sorry.

  5. Hey, at least you got blog friends.

    Fucking loser.

    (I show affection through verbal abuse)

  6. maybe you could try to invite all of them to your sweet new apartment for a "getting to know you" bbq?

  7. You know Charlie i might have to send you a mix tape of my favorite Smiths/Morrissey songs cuz nothing says lonely like the Mozzer, i'll start it with Unloveable cuz it's one of the best songs ever written and i often sing it to myself, seriously thinking of the songs now it would be better than a self help book and in the end i'm sure it would cheer you up, really, i'm not even fucking around.

  8. I was afraid that something like this was the reason you had not posted for a while (which is wierd, because I don't know you, so why I am worried?, but I do feel like I know you, and I totally woulda had a drink with you if I was anywhere near D.C. - so maybe it's not that wierd.) Anyhoo... I have been where you are - still go there sometimes when my kids are with their dad and it's a friday night and I have nothing to do - and I sit home and imagine that all my friends are out without me (which generally isn't true - my friends are just all at home with their husbands). It sucks big time. The only good thing is that it generally doesn't last forever - so I hope you see the light at the end of the tunnel soon.

  9. It saddens me that you're feeling like this... But I can totally relate. Who can't? We've all been there. I hope that getting all of those feelings out of your head and down on paper (er... or "screen", I guess) made you feel a tiny bit better. Hang in there, kid.

  10. One day I will meet you. And I will attempt to sleep with you. You will likely strike me down at first, but will eventually succumb to giving me a handjob after I threaten you with violence.

    Then I will never see you again.

  11. Awww, JackC... you're so dreamy.

  12. I think what it is, is that you are far superior to these other students and you make them quake with insecurities. Just my guess. You can laugh at yourself, you seem to be the type who can tell a joke that stupid people don't get, and that scares most grad students who are trying desperately to appear to have their shit together.

  13. I have just landed on your blog and read a few articles..
    I can relate to your loneliness.
    I was brought up in a small town in France. I didn't relate to people in my school.

    However my story differs from you on the following level: I never, ever thought that I was the odd one. That I was worth less than them.
    On the contrary!
    The probleme was them, they were just too boring for me!

    Fast forward 15 years: I have moved to London, UK. I've lived in Spain for 1 year, I have a successful career.
    I have A LOT of friends. Too many even.
    I meet so many interesting and open minded people every day.
    Interesting like me, and like you too!

    Any chance you can get away from DC?