Saturday, June 12, 2010

Why I'm against secondhand sex

I haven't posted in nearly a week, after not posting for nearly a week before that, which hearkens back to the bad old grad student days of yore when everything was all work, work, work all the time with nary an interesting tale to tell. And here I am again, and if I maybe snootily hoped that a Master's degree in teaching would be somehow less, ahem, rigorous than a Master's in French literature, I was wrong, and I heartily apologize to high school teachers everywhere. At the moment I am over-worked and under-entertained, which doesn't make for very interesting blogging, and for that I am sorry.

So, things are pretty status quo, here. I ran into James the tool unexpectedly on campus the other day, and he quite literally ran away from me. ("Late for a meeting, gotta gooooooo..." was all I heard as he scurried past, his words fading as he receded into the distance.) I saw Jimmy James again last night, and he is just as shruggingly non-committal and impossible to read as ever.

I am writing now from my friend Canaan's mom's house with a fluffy white pooch snuggled up next to me and two turtles clunking around noisily in their tank. I am house-sitting for the next two weeks, for which I am inordinately grateful, as just yesterday I was rudely awoken at 6:13 a.m. (not that I'm keeping track or anything, ahem) to the operatic sounds of passionate lovemaking. Yes, again. And I tell you what, as irked at my roommate
as I already am, knowing that he and his girlfriend frequently enjoy really good sex does not make me like him one bit more. Not one little bit. (Haaaate. Am so full of haaaate.) Knowing that they choose to participate in this activity in the room that opens onto the same hallway as mine, when he has his own very secluded bedroom clear on the other side of the house does not help matters any. I am very tempted to mention this to him, since their inconsiderate sexing is messing with my (already deprived) sleep schedule and also makes me feel all funny on the inside, but...horrors and uncontrollable blushing. Things are already tense enough without admitting that I've been an unwilling witness to their every recent sexual climax. Egad. I'm thinking I'll just let it go for now and hope that by the time I go back in a couple weeks the girlfriend will have sexed herself into an acute case of laryngitis.

I have a sneaking suspicion, however, that my readers are not as inhibited as I am. Let's take a poll, shall we? Knowing that I am already on, let's say, not the best of terms with my roommate, and that I only have to live there for another month and a few days anyway, would you a) say something? or b) suck it up for the next month for the sake of relative roommate harmony? And sub-a, would you *asterisk- be polite? or &ampersand- say something snarky? And sub-b, what if I tell you that (parenthesis- it's really effing loud, and ~squiggle thing- there's no way it can be that good; bitch has gotta be faking.


  1. That would really piss me off, especially since he could have sex in a room at the other end of the house. I probably wouldn't say anything since I'm painfully afraid of confrontation. I'd just leave a passive aggressive note about something else he did to piss me off.

  2. A machete would make this situation so much better.

  3. every time you hear it and know he's not in his bedroom, call his cell phone or text and say "i'm trying to sleep."

    fuck that guy.

  4. I'm the non-confrontational type, so I would probably say nothing. And as you said, it's only for another month or so, so why bother making things even more awkward by mentioning something and risking him taking it very poorly? If you could find a way to bring it up in a joking way (not snarky), that could work, but if you guys don't chat over coffee in the kitchen every day, this might be hard to work into a conversation.

    Or...ear plugs?

  5. I don't quite understand the sitch in which they are not banging in his room, but I agree that it must be incredibly annoying. In my last two houses, I had that one roomie I could. not. stand. Of course they were the ONLY roommate getting laid on the regular and I had to listen to it for the duration...I feel like it was fake. It's not moans of passion, it's the sounds I thought women made when I was 14 years old and sexually inexperienced.

    Anyway, I sympathize with you!

  6. Brandon- ha!

    Jessica- Oh yeah, that wouldn't work. Another incredibly annoying thing he does is "forgets" his phone in the living room (right next to my room), and the next morning the (incredibly, unbelievably, louder than sex) loud alarm starts going off at 7:00 a.m. and will. not. stop. Meanwhile he's sleeping like a baby in his room at the other end of the house where he can't hear it.

    And I think the room situation has something to do with the bed set-up. Single bed in his room; double bed in the room she's staying in. So that's why they're doing it in her room.


  7. I hate confrontation but I can't keep my mouth shut either. By that I mean, I mumble snarky things under my breath (hello, passive aggression, I knowwwww yooouuuu!), KNOWING that the culprit can hear my derisive words, but making them unsure if they were meant to hear, so that they won't respond. What can I tell you? All that passive aggression makes me feel better.

    But if it woke me up, I just know that I'd yell something at the top of my lungs. Just a "HEY!" or "I CAN HEAR YOU!!!!!" because messing with what little sleep I get is SO not cool.

  8. Not cool - especially at 6 in the morning!

    Say something.

    Or, grab a decibel meter and take a measurement or two, then playback some (orgasmic) P{r}on at a comparable level - in the room next to his bedroom.

  9. I'd let it go. You're close to being out of there anyway, and I've found that making a snarky comment doesn't always make you feel as good inside as you thought it would.

  10. I'd walk into the room wherever they are and watch, see then when they stop and look you can be all like "what? am i bothering you?" or you can walk in and pretend like it's not happening, turn on the telly, make a sandwich, drop comments like, no way he's banging you that good sweetie or he must be getting better that girl here the other night didn't scream nearly as much, problem solved.

  11. why don't they just switch the beds so the double bed is in his room? and how is it that she's staying with you guys and is staying in a separate room from him? i find that really weird. i'm super non-confrontational myself, but maybe a mention one day that you can hear them clear as day during their "couple time" would help the situation. if he gets upset that you said anything, then he's a douche, because really he should be apologetic about it, and embarrassed more than anything. i mean, you're leaving anyway, and once you're gone they can have sex in every room if they want. until then, they should try to keep it under control.

  12. I think she's faking. Or an exhibitionist. Or crazy. Or all of the above. Am I the only one who thinks that?

    I am passive-aggressive, and would probably just be really really bitchy and aloof for the last couple of weeks.

  13. I had this exact problem with my roommate and her b/f. Sounds like hard-core nasty porn coming from their room.

    It got to the point I threw a huge hissy fit, only to have it dismissed as I was over reacting and that I should hear them when I'm not home... ew. no thanks.

    Since they had no respect for being quiet when I had company over, we started to cheer them on.

    GO FOR THE GOLD!!.. When they come out of their room we'd tell them on a scale of 1-10 that was only a 5 and we're surprised either of them had an orgasm.

    They were mortified!

    Or just to be a bitch when I had company over in the living room (two doors down) we'd mimic them just to prove how loud and inconsiderate they are.

    These are two ppl closer to the age of 40 than 17.

    In the end I won.
    You can not live in my house for free for 7 months and be so disrespectful.

    You live there and pay rent, make a stink!

    They make you uncomfortable, make them uncomfortable. Knock on their door really loud and ask them to scream louder cos you're trying to flick the bean and need to hear them in order to get off!...
    I'm sure that will put a stop to it sooner than later.

    Good luck

  14. Pretty much everything you write in italics makes me chuckle. I guess that's your hysterical monologue? I like it.

  15. How about "Hey I need my sleep and I don't know if you realize how loud your sex is but could you keep it down or in your room until I move? Thanks."
    If that doesn't work I guess you have to put up with it. Since your moving hopefully it won't be for much longer. ~earplugs~

  16. I would tape them and put it on the answering machine/voicemail. Especially good tool if she says his name a lot.

  17. every time they are having sex. bang on the wall and tell them to have some respect...

  18. GET this!! If your paying rent, he is paying rent...y'all are both roommates...TELL HIM!! Stand up for your rights!!! He would do the same if it were you and your girlfriend going at it like sex-starved monkeys!!! Just ask him to either keep her quite, or move to the other room where it would be LESS LOUD for u!! (let him now that you dont enjoy her moaning/screaming as much as he does!!)

  19. Completely random but I think you should add a searchbox to your blog... and also, maybe it's time for a new layout now that you'll begin a new chapter in your life with the new apt and all... :)

  20. L- There is a search box. Check the blue Blogger toolbar at the top.

    And I barely have time to blog, let alone redesign, but thanks for the tip. :)

  21. I would completely say something snarky, but that's because I'm still working on my manners. So my advice would be to simply tell him that the two of them are keeping you up all night. If he says that he doesn't think it should be a problem respond that "no, not for you per se, but for him." When he looks at you quizzically explain that you've been/heard loud before but that she is clearly at the decibel that she's imitating porn rather than really enjoying herself. Douche.

  22. See, I would have been making fun of them from the get-go. Take that, uncomfortable sexy sounds. My comedy is more powerful than your passion any day.

    Don't be snarky. Be amused. Snark is inpsired by anger, so they'll just do it louder out of spite.

  23. I vote for the suggestion made by Anon 6/15/10 8:04pm!!!!