Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Why I need a nap today

Very often after a night of drinking, I will awake the next morning at some ungodly hour of dark o'clock. Usually I manage to get back to sleep after desperately chugging a glass of water or two, but this morning my eyes sprang open and stayed there. My body and my mind fought an epic battle, with my mind saying, "Hey, here I am! Wide awake!", while my body groaned, "No you're not; go back to sleep."

"Ha! Sleep is for suckers!" replied my mind gleefully. "Anyway, who needs sleep when you can thiiiiiink?" And suddenly, overwhelmed by a rush of happy chemicals, my body softened its stance, and said, "Well, ok. Maybe just this once..." And so I lay there smiling, body and mind, as the sky through the slats in the blinds warmed to a pale, morning gray. I didn't immediately realize why I was so happy; I had, after all, just awoken from a dream in which I realized that the food that I was eating was laced with shards of broken glass. (An idea which, it turns out, is just as stomach-turningly revolting in dream form as I imagine it would be in real life.) So then, what was it? And then suddenly it all came back to me:

Last night. Trivia. He was there. We played on separate teams, with our different sets of friends, with half-intentioned whispered promises to share answers, double agent-style. In the end, none of us came close to winning the whole thing, but my team did edge his out by one point, a fact I delighted in, and all thanks to--I don't want to say it--well, me, and the lucky fact that apparently I read a lot of books about baby animals as a kid. (What's the word for a baby swan?*) After the game, the rest of our respective teams scattered, and I joined him in a booth, he put his arm around me, I leaned my head against his shoulder, and we talked. He kissed me on the cheek. I tickled his back. Internet, he got my Ally McBeal reference. I'm still reeling. At the end of the night we shared our second good-night kiss so far, and, granted, it may have been the alcohol, but I was positively dizzy.

After a months-long winter slump, of dark, gray days spent not wanting to get out of bed, with no dating prospects, no distractions, and no social life to speak of, I am surprised by how good it feels to be excited about something again. And no, I'm not just talking about a someone, but about an everything. About possibilities. I'm making plans for next year, for my future, for myself, and I already feel a little less lost. I know what I want. I know what my goals are. I know how long it will take me to get there. Yeah, I wish I was already there, like, now, but I know that I will get there eventually. It won't even take that long, in the scheme of things. One year, two, and I am on my way.

Things are changing. I would never dare tempt fate and describe myself as happy, but for now, at least, I am smiling. It may be 35 degrees and raining out today, and the trees may not have yet started to bloom, but it is suddenly, without a doubt, once again spring.

*A cygnet, mutha wah wah!!!


  1. Sometimes it really is just spring comes and suddenly the world seems a little brighter. Hope your smiling days continue!

  2. I LOVE having someone to cheat at games with....sounds exciting!

  3. When I was 10, I went to a baby shower with my mom and a bunch of older woman (and when I was 10, an older woman was like 29). We had to play a bunch of silly games and I kicked everyone's ass at the "name the baby animal" game which included cygnet, because like you, I was nerd who read animal books all the time (instead of making out in closets or toilet papering neighbour's houses like all the other kids)

    Glad to hear you have something to be excited about :)

  4. You've been through the winter - now you're ready for the spring. Literally, metaphorically, whatever!

  5. YAY!
    he loves G&T's, he does yoga, he has a beard AND he got your Ally McBeal reference?? I'm all for it! I'm so so happy for you :) not just because you found someone you can be enthusiastic about, but because you're out of the slump. yay spring!

    Oh, and on my end (you said to keep you posted) - I'm knee-deep in doritos! It wasn't my intentions, me being afraid of becoming a harlot and all but man, let me tell you - the doritos are delicious. but love? I do not dare mention it.... I thought I saw a glimpse of something more just before the easter holidays, but I think we're both scared. I'm thinking of him more and more, though - which is nice, I just want him to think of me as well. :)

    Oh! I love the new hair, by the way! the bangs are cute!

  6. Yay, Gigi! Spring is in the air... and the dorito dust is a-flying. :) Good luck to you, and don't worry about taking it slow (emotionally speaking, at least.) :)

  7. Yay! You know the best part? Not just that he's interesting and quirky and flexible, but he sounds fun! You sound like you had fun with him, and that's the most important part. :)

    Wow, and my mind stretched as far as gosling, but fell short. Well done Trivia Queen!

  8. I find myself in the position of losing sleep in exchange for thought a lot these days. I don't enjoy the sleepiness that follows so I feel your pain (do people even say that anymore?). Sounds like you're being kept awake with happy thoughts which always makes it more bareable.

    I'm glad to hear you had another good night, although I see his understanding of your Ally McBeal reference to be for of a cause for concern than for celebration :)