Thursday, February 4, 2010

Why I wish you could all be winners (Spoiler alert: You are not all winners)

Well, how am I supposed to pick a winner now? Each entry was more clever and hilarious than the last, and I haven't giggled so hard in a very long time. The options are all so good that I was going to cop out and just pick a winner at random, but my friend Canaan (aka the laziest blogger I know) said that was bogus, and I had to choose based on the old laugh-o-meter test. I warned her that if that were the case, then she should know that she couldn't be the winner, lest I appear biased. Sorry, C! And while her suggestion of the Jon Hamm SNL sketch was worth a chuckle or two (if you're into placenta-covered shirtless saxophone players- which may be more of a niche market, I'm thinking), there was really only one video that made me guffaw. But before I get to that, here are some thoughts I had on some of the other entries:

Girl's Night Out is hilarious. I had actually already seen it, and in fact, I wrote about it a couple years ago here. It was just as good the second time around, and I discovered that several more videos have since been added! Score. You can watch Mary Olson's loud-talking, socially awkward adventures in attempted dating here.

This link to a group of animatronic animals performing Usher's "Love in the Club" was...interesting, although I tend to think that their performance of "Hips Don't Lie" by Shakira is better on a more purely comic level. Unfortunately, the mechanical mouse singer isn't able to actually move her hips at all, which kind of makes it funnier, actually. Then I discovered their performance of one of my favorite songs, Neighborhood#1 (Tunnels) by Arcade Fire, and it kind of blew my mind. The video of the piano-playing gorilla, guitar-playing bear, and drumming dog receiving injections from giant needles in their necks and eyes, interlaced with apocalyptic video images and Arcade Fire's amazing lyrics, is bizarre, eerie, and strangely poignant. I'm telling you- watch it. Rock-afire Explosion, man. Crazy.

So now that things have gotten all kinds of dark, let's talk about dark humor, shall we? A brand of humor that many of you seem to favor. And I hear you, loud and clear: It's time to settle! you told me. Although the other side of the coin isn't looking much better. I guess the moral of the story here is that, single, married, or divorced, we will all die alone. Fun times. Thanks, guys!

But let's get down to business now, shall we? Out of all these hilarious videos, websites, puns, and blond jokes, the only one that actually made me laugh out loud was...drumroll please... Model Falls on Runway! I'm telling you- just watch.

Ha! Did you see that? The part when she falls? I mean, you can almost hear the cartoon whoop whoop whoop sound effects. And then they play it again in slow motion and honestly, it just gets better every time. While verbally replaying it over Gchat, and discussing my favorite part (the part where she falls!), my friend Jamie decided to feel sorry for the girl. Twisted ankle and bruised pride and all that. To which I say, um, no. That "poor girl" gets paid a shit-ton of money to humiliate herself like that, and I'm sure she can more than afford the co-pay on that sprained ankle. I mean, she gets paid to walk. Cry me a river. Meanwhile I humiliate myself in front of my students every day and I don't get paid shit. Just today, for instance, right after my chipper "Bonjour, classe!" one of my high school students raised her hand and said, "Um, I think you have chalk in your hair."

"Oh," I said, pinching at a tiny strand of hair on the right side of my head. "Here? Did I get it?"

"Um, no," she said. "It's sort of...all over," as six other heads nodded in agreement and gestured helpfully. Oh, and the principal. Because she was there, too. I tried to carry on with teaching while nonchalantly combing my fingers through my hair and chalk dust rained down, like it happens all the time that I inadvertently use my head as a giant blackboard eraser. Let that model stand in front of my classroom for even fifteen minutes, and she'll tell you what pain is. Sorry for her, indeed. Pshah. Plus, if our roles were reversed, I'll tell you one thing- I bet you I would have rocked those stilettos.

So! Anonymous commenter Carole (if that is your real name), who identified herself in a subsequent comment- the $15 iTunes gift card is yours if you'd like to send an e-mail to diaryofwhy at gmail dot com and tell me where to send it. Thank you so much for passing this gem along. And thanks to everyone else who shared something as well! I always knew my readers had hilarious senses of humor. Although, I'm not really sure what it says about me that out of all these really funny, clever, smart entries, the one that made me laugh the most was someone falling down. Can you imagine if someone had submitted a video of a man getting hit in the groin by a football? There would be no contest. I mean, the ball! His groin! It works on so many levels!


  1. OMG! I laughed out loud too. There's something about a fall that just cracks me up (despite the fact that I fell on Christmas Day and the tendons in my right ankle/calf -- wherever my tendons are -- are still not weight-bearing). Anyway.

    Cases in point:

    1. About a million years ago, my cousin and I were watching the Miss Something-or-Other (America? World? whatever) competition, and the evening gown competition had them walking down a flight of stairs. WELL! One of them, halfway down, fell. And tumbled. And tumbled. And tumbled some more. My cousin and I were in stitches. Crying laughing. Sobbing laughing. Peeing laughing. (Note that starting from the next contestant, an usher went up and got her to escort her down. BOO!)

    2. Jeremy and I were watching -- geek alert! -- a kids' spelling bee a couple of years ago. As one of the little boys was walking to the mic, he fell. "Oh! He took a spill in Round 2." Hysterical laughter ensued. Poor kid. We weren't laughing AT him, we were laughing WITH him. Weren't we?

  2. Aw, I have to say. I've never really been that fond of laughing at people when they're embarrassed or hurt. I've never thought America's funniest videos were funny. and it's part of the reason I never could really "get" will farrell movies - i don't like seeing other people being embarrassed....

    but I am soooo glad it cheered you up! :)

  3. Thank you very much! A good thing I laugh at others falling as I do it quite often myself and my first reaction is to laugh then too!

  4. Haha! I feel sorry for her AND I think it's hilarious, all at the same time!

    I know I'm late to the party and all - but I will provide you with this:
    You might know about this, since you're American and all (it even airs on TV!), but man-oh man - I think it's GOLDEN!

    Especially the segments: Target Women, Sergios white hot top 5 and Viral video film school! oh, and "How the %/()% is this a magazine?" Ah, all of them, basically.

    This has the potential to entertain you for hours, heck, DAYS even!

    And on a side note - after FINALLY getting "out there" and sorta going on a first date (I have not eaten doritos since 2007. Yes! 2007!) I discovered that I actually don't know how to date!
    (Are there any rules? Guidelines? Is it not acceptable to spend most of the evening in the back of a cinema making out like teenagers? Does it make me a harlot?)
    Chaos, misunderstandings, and embarrassment ensued, and the first thought in my mind was: What would DoW do? You are officially my dating-Guru, and I thought it would cheer you up just a little bit if I told you :)

  5. Gigi- Wow, a guru. Thanks! Though I do find it all slightly ironic since I find myself in the midst of what could very well be an extended dating dry spell.

    Oh, and in answer to your questions: no, yes, yes it is acceptable, and no it does not make you a harlot. I mean, not to me. (Although I'm sure my old favorite commenter Tarah might disagree. Are you still reading, Tarah? I miss you.)

    Anyway, congrats on getting out there and jumping back in the dating game. Keep me updated. If this dating dry spell goes on much longer I might have to start borrowing your material. :)

  6. Awww, I didn't even get to play. But then, this might not be everyone's cup of tea, either:
    Onnnn the other hand, I pretty much die every time, so there.

    Also, a second YES to Target: Women by Sarah Haskins:

    Yay to laughter. It is the best medicine, and also sexy.

  7. Post more diary entries! You are a writer that I enjoy reading, and you are very extremely cute! (I know that second thing has nothing to with being a writer, I just felt like sharing that.)