Thursday, February 25, 2010

Why hyperbole is the best medicine

My throat is full of gravel, my chest is packed with maple syrup, and my brains have liquefied and are slowly leaking out my nose. I have been invaded by evil spirits which my body attempts to expel via frequent bouts of sneezing and uncontrollable coughing. My eyeballs are hot and burny. My skin hurts. All of this can only mean one thing: I am dying. Or maybe just sick. No, definitely dying. I will miss you, Internet. Pray for me.

I took my first sick day today in a Very Long Time, not that I would have been able to get out anyway, as my car is currently buried under [I have no idea how many as I haven't been able to get out with my yardstick but trust me when I say it's a lot] inches of snow. I think I should probably take a sick day tomorrow, too, but oh, the Teacher Guilt--it burns, almost as much as my hot hot eyeballs. But! I must go to school tomorrow, because two students need to make up the test from Monday! And if they don't make up the test tomorrow then I will not be able to give the tests back until Wednesday, and if I make the students wait more than a week to get their tests back they will mutiny! Mutiny! Plus we will fall behind and if my students never become competent French speakers then surely they will be able to trace it back to missing this class! Clearly, I am a failure. A hacking, snotty, disgusting failure. With an immune system constructed out of scotch tape and lisping 90-lb school boys and runty puppies. I mean, why don't you quit loafing around and do your job, puppies white blood cells puppies?

Also, and this may or may not be related to the fact that I haven't left my house in 36 hours and have since watched somewhere in the neighborhood of 12 hours of television, but
do you ever feel like you want to fast forward your life to somewhere more interesting, to a place where something actually happens? It's like other people's lives are t.v. shows, and mine is nothing but commercials.


  1. I so feel like other people's lives are t.v. shows and mine is nothing but commercials. Greatest way to put it ever! Hope you get feeling better soon!

  2. If my life is a commercial -- and, yeah, it is; and, yeah, I'm OK with that -- I'd like it to be the new Old Spice commercial with that guy who says "Now look back at me" or something like that. It makes me laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh.

    I feel your pain, your sickly pain. Much to Jeremy's chagrin, I find that what makes me feel better is this: Lying on the couch, with my dog, under a million blankets, whining. The whining is the key. Sometimes I'm dramatic -- I whine "Oh... Oh, woe is me. I'm soooo siiiick." Sometimes it's just sounds in a whiney tone. But, really, it helps. I might bottle it. I'll send you some.

    Feel better quick! (No pressure; I just want you to feel better soon.)

  3. That's why I feel so miserable--I don't have a dog! Being sick would be a million times better with a dog to keep me company. I may have to borrow my roommate's cat. It will have to do.

  4. Yeah, go with the cat. Dogs are great to cuddle with when you're sick. But when you're sick and have to walk them because the backyard is a mud pit and you can't let him out in that because cleaning him afterwards will make you feel sicker from the effort... yeah, the cat's a good choice.

    PS. My word verification was "nogyn" but I just went to the gynecologist earlier this month. Had I known it was "nogyn" month... Alas.

  5. Oh, I am sorry...

    I've sneezed so much that my abs hurt. which either means I've sneezed a lot or I have REALLLY weak abs.

    Feel better soon.

  6. I'm just getting over being sick - and I had to take two and a half sick days from teaching. That's almost harder than going in when you're coughing up a lung. Thank goodness for the Olympics on TV. Hope you feel better soon.

  7. feel better soon! Im sick myself this week and you and I both know how hard it is to teach when you'd rather be lying on the couch with your mouth closed and not sweating your way through a class.

    And if you life has to be a commercial, I hope it's one of the awesome Superbowl ones :)

  8. I could have written this, word for word - but you did, so you're better than me. Stupid puppies.