Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Why don't you whine about it some more?

Blink. Blink. Blink-a-blink-a-blink-a-blink. Is my cursor on a blank blog post that I have stared at for blink hours blink blink today. Blink. Time marches on, the sun rises and sets, and the damn cursor keeps blinking.

Monday was the start of a new semester at the college, which you would think would be a handy symbol for new beginnings and fresh pages and blank slates and all that bullshit, except that it's not really feeling that way at all. I am teaching the same course to what might as well be the same students, and my textbook is dog-eared and I already have my lesson plans from last semester, so why change? As opposed to this time last semester, I now find myself with three jobs, each a more puny and miserable waste of my time than the last, and yet somehow I have no more money in my pocket or in the bank, and the days are no less empty. Blink. Blink-a-blink. And as I bumble and totter around the empty house, gazing stupidly out windows and at computer screens, I think, Isn't there something I should be doing? I rack my brain and come up with nothing. But surely there must be something I should be doing? There is not. I check the job listings again. There is nothing. I check Okcupid. (Or, as I call it, Ok-if-you-like-your-men-at-shoulder-level.) There are 5'8" baby daddies, and then, nothing.

Though I know it can't be true, it feels like nothing is ever going to change. Though the last few weeks and months have brought new jobs, new people, and a new roommate, I still feel stagnant, moldy, mired down, stuck. I have tried part-time employment, online dating, volunteering, team trivia, book club, yoga, and still, in the end, it all boils down to nothing. It doesn't change the fact that my phone never rings, or that my married friend and former workout partner ditched me in favor of chatting up some blond on the elliptical, and exchanged information with her right in front of me, I mean god.

It's just me and the damn cursor again. Blink. And yet through it all there's the feeling that I have lost something that I can't quite put my finger on. Like I've packed for a trip and left something terribly vital at home. And so I implore the universe, or the Internet with its wise and all-seeing eye:

What. THE FUCK. Should I be doing?

23 comments:

  1. I so know that feeling.
    Busy busy busy, missing something, is my phone broken? busy busy busy.... etc.

    love your comment on the OKcupid. lol It doesnt change much from site to site.

    Love your blog.
    xo

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  2. We all have that "lost" feeling at some point. That feeling of "what's going on? what's happening? what? where? WHAT?"

    And then something happens. The planets align or something and, suddenly, everything's OK again.

    Just ride it out. Everything will right itself without you making any effort.

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  3. Doesn't that make you feel so good that you didn't do anything with that ass, though?

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  4. I know it probably doesn't help to know that other people understand exactly how you feel, but your post really struck a chord with me. I've totally been there. Sending you hugs.

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  5. Go back to Paris and marry Harvey! ... :) jk.

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  6. I'm with the others. And I see that I have a bit of catch-up reading to do so I had better do that now!

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  7. What's your passion? What makes you excited? And don't say being in a relationship because that's something you can't control. The things you can -- where you live, where you work, what you do, how you spend your time -- all are things you can change. Maybe a coach is what you need.

    It seems like you panicked when you couldn't find something directly upon returning to the states and now there you are -- suboptimal everything. It doesn't sound like you really like your town or even teaching French. What is it that will make you wake up everyday ready to go? Get some help thinking it through. You deserve that much.

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  8. get a pet :) They always give you something to do, and something warm to hang on to. Seriously, it's the best therapy.

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  9. You should kill all males because that's what they deserve! I'm actually not usually this militant, but I understand you very well just now. Although I am hoping that the new semester will be sort of clean slate-ish for me. And I did in fact meet a nice and tall guy on Ok-if-you-like-your-men-at-shoulder-level... One guy, that is. Other than that, the webpage sucks, I adimre you for putting up with it for so long, I cancelled my account after a month...

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  10. Here's the good news about the married guy: since he was hitting on another girl in front of you, there will be no confusion when he looks you in the eye and tells you how special and unique his feelings for you are. That's when you get to kick him in the balls.

    I'm not quite certain what you should be doing. If you are unhappy in Mythica, your long term goal should be to get out of there. Do they offer adjuncts tuition reimbursement that would enable you to take courses towards a degree? Some universities do so, and it might help you become more marketable in another field.

    Adjuncting may be a good way of riding out the current recession for you, since the pay is terrible, but the costs of living in Mythica are also relatively low. The adjuncts in Manhattan are terribly depressed since they can barely afford to eat (as are the assistant professors at CUNY since they spent 8 years working on a doctorate and now they can't afford to purchase a home). I think your chances of finding someone would be higher in a more urban environment, but I wouldn't recommend moving until you find a more financially rewarding position. Have you tried or looked into jdate? I'm not jewish and I met my husband there. I decided to sign up after realizing most of the professionals who contacted me on match actually were jewish, so I figured it might be easier. You should just include in your profile that you are not jewish, so that you don't raise false expectations (although you may wind up going on dates with men who don't bother to read your profile, but that can't be helped).

    So I would recommend that you stay at Mythica College until you find another job and use the time to think about a long term career change.

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  11. When in doubt, write erotic fiction.

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  12. ditch everything. you are not gaining anything by staying there. as much as i love you on the east coast, i think you need a new adventure. seattle. mythica does not deserve you.
    you could be doing everything that you are doing there anywhere else and in a bigger city joining a book club/ volunteering etc does work to find friends.

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  13. i know that feeling. but, maybe it really is about the journey. and finding the little things in life that makes you happy. maybe there's just no grand scheme.

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  14. Move to Austin! There are tons of young (single!) people here, and tons of colleges to hire you (not just UT). We weren't hit as hard by the recession and we're predicted to be one of the first cities out of it. It snows once every 10 years, people hang out at the lake all summer, there's all the Tex Mex and margaritas you could ever want to eat, and the sun makes the boys grow tall. We are very supportive of local artists, writers, and musicians. DO IT! DO IT!!!

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  15. Nothing wrong with a short dude. Check this out:
    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/01/23/jeff-erins-epic-wedding-t_n_434267.html

    Also, speaking with some inside knowledge, I'm not really sure that jdate is the best way to go here.

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  16. Oh my gosh, that is just adorable, Alan. Good for them, and I think it's great that they can see beyond height. Personally, I don't think I could. Which is why I'm an ass and will probably be single forever.

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  17. Coming to visit me for Spring Break! Sorry I'm crappy at e-mail. I'd love to have you! Can't wait.

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  18. Sometimes it seems you feel a lack of purpose or value because you have 'nothing to do'. These moments can also be interpreted as gifts from the universe to remind us to observe ourselves a little closer for better understanding.

    "I have nothing to do and no one to call" sounds a lot like "OMG, all of my usual distractions have come to a pause and I'm left with nothing to distract me from the reality of myself." Stop lining up one distraction after another and take some time for introspection and self discovery.

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  19. Damn woman, go have fun and laugh so friggin hard that your eyes water and you chops hurt.

    You feel like you've lost something that you can't put your finger on?

    That's spooky.

    Good luck lady.

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  20. Ah ha ha ha ha OkCupid.com. Oh, god.

    (I'm on the site now. My problem isn't the height, so much -- though that last guy was *not* 5'3", no matter what he said -- as it is that most of the men are younger or significantly older, *and also* they have children. But anyway.)

    Clearly I have nothing in the way of life advice, so I will comment merely on e-dating. The rest of it is a mystery to me, too.

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  21. i pretty much felt the way you feel for oh... i dunno... about 10yrs?! true story. i wasted my 20s. completely and utterly. then i met my amazing husband, i moved to the US, we started a small press, my life changed in so many ways...

    yet i still get the feelings you're getting. not all the time, every day. but they come and go.

    unfortunately, life can't be satisfying and fulfilling every moment, and that sucks. BUT think of all the things you don't know you have to look forward to! (does that make sense?? you get my drift)

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  22. Holy shit who are you because we're the same person. Thanks for posting. I don't feel so alone in my frustration. Kudos on Okcupid. Am having the same results although I'm more turned off by the self-absorbed vegans than anything else.

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  23. OK, not sure why this didn't work but I'm trying again...hope it's worth it!

    http://www.hulu.com/watch/124875/saturday-night-live-digital-short-the-curse

    I said in my last message...it's all about the look on his face so pay attention ma chère.

    xoxo

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