Friday, December 18, 2009

Why you should not read this post

He will not read this. He says he doesn't want to read and I will take him at his word. If he ever changes his mind I will delete this first. This doesn't need to be seen. This is my neurosis, my paranoia, my self-doubt. This is a journal entry-turned-blog that probably should have stayed a journal entry. But, like every worry that niggles relentlessly at my insides, I know I will feel better after I get it out. This is my magma, my lava, my bile.

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I am happiest in the moment right before he walks through the door. The anticipation is exhilarating in its possibility, and in comparison reality can only ever pale.

I want more, already. It's never enough, and I can feel myself greedy, ever expanding, with always more space to fill. It may not even be possible to fill it, maybe no one can. Alone I was small and manageable, but then he came and now I am huge, vast, limitless. I try to hide it but I am ever hungrier.

In a fitting bit of irony, now that I think I am maybe, at long last, finally over my ex-boyfriend, I meet a boy who's maybe still in love with his ex-girlfriend. I asked a question last night and got him talking, talking, talking, not looking at me, lost in space, and for a second I thought how easy it would be to be a shrink. "And now you're going to think, 'Oh, here's this guy who's still in love with his ex-girlfriend,'" he said. No, I thought. I didn't until you just said that. But now I do.

"Aww, you'll find someone," he said to me later, jokingly, perhaps, but I recoiled as if he had hit me. I don't know how he meant it, but it hurt like a blow. It's not me, he was saying. Was he saying? I don't know.

That old dose of reality.

James. His name is James, because, of course it is. It feels wrong to call a grown man Jimmy. It feels right to call him James, but so right it also feels wrong. No easy solution. I've tried both, hesitantly, and settled instead on "babe." We've fallen so quickly into the parlance of lovers, though we aren't, not yet. We sleep wrapped around each other like lovers, share morning breath kisses, but he wanted to wait. Another week dictated by biological imperatives, and we are still waiting. Soon? Soon. When? He leaves and I never know when I will see him again, though that is my own insecurity talking.

At first he seemed too good to be true, and maybe he is, but now we have gotten used to each other, and maybe he is bored with me, and we haven't even slept together yet. Except for all the sleeping next to each other. Just enjoy it, I tell myself. Enjoy it while it lasts, for as long as it lasts. That's all you can do. It's all about expectation after all. If you expect it to last forever you will be disappointed. Expect it to end tomorrow, and every day it doesn't is a gift.

I have been alone for so long. I cannot reconcile these two parts of myself. It's all or nothing, and the girlfriend part of me grows, is gluttonous, and consumes the single part of me so that there is nothing left. If anything were to happen I would have to start over again from scratch.

My girlfriend, he called me last night. My friend, he corrected himself. My girlfriend, my friend, my girlfriend, my friend.

I am lost, shrinking, somewhere between the two. I am lost, waiting for someone to find me, to call my name, waiting to be found.

Is this too much? Too honest? Too soon? And so I share it with a thousand strangers on the Internet, and he will never, ever need to know.

12 comments:

  1. Ugh, I loved this because I completely relate. When my boyfriend and I met, I didn't think he'd ever call me again. I was sure of it. I even made excuses for him, to recite to myself for all the nights he wouldn't call me. Only, he did call me. Every day. Sometimes multiple times. Even though he's out of town 4 days a week because he travels for work. I though that I, of all people, would be worst-suited for a partner who travels. I am so insecure I'd be afraid he's fucking every person he meets, from passengers on the flight, to flight attendants, to cute girls in hotel bars. But...he calls me. He calls me from the bar, to tell me what he ordered. He calls me from the room to say he's back and is going to bed. It's...awesome.

    But! It took him 90 entire days of acting like that to use the word "girlfriend". I mean....come on. Not to get all "Boys are stupid", but their emotions are definitely different from ours. From mine, at least. And it took him twice that long to say, "I love you." And in fact, much to my chagrin, I had to say it first. I told him it would be nice to know he loves me, because I certainly loved him. And was really confused and was like, "I totally love you. Obviously. Why would you say that?".

    Enough about me. My point is, I relate. And if he's worth a damn, it really does get easier.

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  2. The early-in-the-relationship insecurities. Ahhhh, they suck. And he's got 'em too. You'll get over them together. You will. Together.

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  3. I know it's much easier said than done, but just try not to think about it too much, at all cost. This might be hypocritical advice, because I know I would indeed think about it, but then I also know another thing: when you've been alone for a long time, and get together with someone you will always have insecurities. But they come from yourself, and nothing else. Just try to embrace now, don't pollute your mind and jinx yourself. People (well, guys) say a lot of things, and we overanalyze way too many of them. Let your brain rest and see how it continues. Tomorrow is a new day.

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  4. If you've waited for sex this long and are already getting attached, maybe have the "are we boyfriend/girlfriend?" talk before you go through with it?

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  5. you definitely need to talk about where you stand. the whole 'my girlfriend... i mean, my friend' is a good starting point:
    "so when that came up the other night, it got me thinking: are we a 'couple' now?"

    i mean, he could be thinking/feeling the exact same thing you are, but you won't know unless you talk about it.

    also: the sex might be terrible! honestly, it all seems amazing now, and he's a great kisser, and you can't imagine how the sex could possibly be bad... but it happens. it definitely HAPPENS.

    and lastly: this is just my opinion, but i would advise taking down this post. if he does decide to look at your blog - tonight he might just think to himself 'oh i think i'll take a quick look' - he's gonna see this post right after the one about him finding out about your blog. that ~could~ make this post look like a bit... well, it could make it look like you were hoping he'd read it so you wouldn't have to be the one to initiate the Talk. i'm not saying i think it is, but that's how it could look to him.

    still love your writing! it's exciting to see your life taking new twists and turns!

    :)

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  6. Anonymous- He doesn't know the name of my blog or how to find it. If he asked me I would tell him, but like I said in the last post, as it stands he has no interest in reading it. If he wanted to read I would probably consider taking this post down first, but for the moment I think it's fine.

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  7. I can totally relate to this, too. I think that it's great that you have this place to voice your insecurities and that you recognise them as insecurities.

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  8. maybe he is scared of rejection from you. you can be one cool cucumber! maybe just ask if he is seeing other people to put it out there, cause this emotional toying is not fun for anyone! and there are a lot of boys lately who want some of that doritos party mix you've got going on, so if he is not boyfriend, he needs to get out of the way!

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  9. I found your blog a couple of months ago, googling for something that I don't remember. Anyway, after reading many posts I decided to go back to the beginning and read them all in order. Is that kind of pathetic that I spent that much time reading the blog of a person I don't know? I finally finished! Yay! On the down side that was a couple of days ago and now I'm joining the antsy for more crowd.

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  10. This is just brilliant, friend. Seriously brilliant.

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  11. Stumbled across your blog some time ago and greatly admire the writing. First time commenting:

    Modern-day lingo of "ummm" - what are two non-virgins between the ages of 18-58 - engaged in some sort of dating/relationship-y scenario - doing sleeping together in a bed, apparently multiple times, but not actually sleeping together? This sounds like something is highly amiss. It could be any number of things, most not good, perhaps a few neutral, but...

    -For What It's Worth

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