It's not that I have writer's block, exactly. I'd call it more a crisis of conscience. To be more specific: it's feeling stranger and stranger to continue writing about someone behind his back. I'm entering murky waters here. In the over two and a half years that I've been writing here, I've never felt the need to censor myself. For the most part, I give it to you straight: the good, the bad, and the tear-stained and ugly. Every once in a while over the past two and a half years, I've wondered what would happen to my blog, my writing, if I ever started dating someone for long enough that keeping my blog a secret from him would start to feel like just that: a secret I was keeping. I never came to any reasonable conclusions, and up until now, it hasn't really come up. The closest I came to that was Hervé, but he was easy: I knew the whole time that we were only temporary, and he didn't even speak English. It was just easier not to say anything. And now, in light of new events, I find myself wondering all over again. Not that I am ready to 'fess up to everything with my new guy, not at all; there will be no gun jumping here. (Or so I thought.) (Foreshadowing!!!) But now I have to look at everything I post as something that may potentially be read by him someday, and that is a weird, weird feeling. How would he feel reading what I've written about him so far? I have to hope that he would be ok with it, considering it's all been fairly glowing and complimentary. But what if you discovered that, unbeknownst to you, specific details of your personal life had been spilled all over one small corner of the Internet? And what if, say, you had probably never even read a blog before? Would you find it all baffling? Vaguely disturbing? Unsettling? These are all things I have been thinking about lately. So far my guy has been very lovely and loving and laid-back, but you never know what someone may consider as going too far. You just never know with people, do you?
It will all have to come out eventually, I decided, if things keep going the way they are going. But not yet. I will know when the time is right, and it's not now. (I thought.) But you know what happens to the best intentions. One minute you're watching youtube videos of whistling puppies and surprised kittens and dogs riding skateboards (and seriously, if those videos don't turn you into a mushy, sobby blob of molten goo then you are made of stone, people, stone!) and then you're saying, "Hey, you want to see a video of my sister's dog barking while my dad plays the harmonica?" And then you open your video folder and click as quick as you can, but not quick enough, because then he says, "Hey, what's DoW contest?"
"Oh, um, nothing," I say. "Hey, look, it's my sister's dog!"
"Was that your ex-boyfriend?"
"Um, no, it's my old roommate."
"So, what is that?"
"It's...I didn't want to tell you yet."
"Oh. Ok. Well, I won't push it."
"Oh," I say, relieved. "Thanks."
"But you'll tell me later?"
Then we watch a video of a hedgehog eating a carrot. "Are you moving?" he asks quietly, looking down at my leg.
"What?" I say, confused. "You mean, am I physically moving right now? Am I moving my leg?" I do tend to have a fairly annoying knee jiggling habit, and so I look down, but everything appears still for the moment.
"No, I mean...are you moving away?"
"What? No. I have a lease until August. Why?"
"Well, you said you didn't want to tell me yet."
"Ohh. No, that's not it."
"Are you dating someone else? Did you kill someone?"
"Wha-? No, look...fine. I didn't want to tell you yet, but, well...I have something to tell you."
"I... I have a blog."
"And...I write about my life, and well, lately...I've written about you."
"Everyone really likes you!"
"Well, probably mostly because I keep telling them how great you are."
"I'm not that great."
"Well, anyway...that's it."
"Ok. Well, I won't try to find it or anything."
"Can I ask you a question?"
"What is a blog, exactly?"
So, at least now that is out of the way, and he was much less horrified than I had feared. What I didn't anticipate was exactly how uncurious he would be about it, freaking out a bit when he thought I was going to pull it up. "No, don't show me!" he said, flinging his arm over his eyes as I reached for the keyboard.
"I wasn't, er, going to," I said, slightly baffled.
I mean, wouldn't you want to know what kind of rumors the person you were dating was spreading about you all over the Internet? But then again, as I find myself saying over and over...this guy is pretty much the exact opposite of any guy I have ever met before, so perhaps it's only fitting.
So what do you think? Is this a carte blanche to keep on writing the only way I know how- open, honest, and uncensored- without fear of repercussion? I don't know. What I do know is this- the boy is still pretty great, and this blog is back in business, baby!