Monday, September 28, 2009

Why I'm about to get all introspective, for a change

So. Hi there. How are you? I'm ok, thanks, and feeling a lot less wrist-slitty than I was after my last post (metaphorically speaking, of course). I actually had a pretty good weekend. It's amazing how a couple of days of staying out until four a.m. can change your perspective on things, or at least distract you sufficiently from the issues at hand. (Otherwise known as alcohol! The poor man's anti-depressant! Or... something.) Anyway, your comments really meant a lot to me, and I wanted to respond to each of them individually, but then it sort of got overwhelming, and, well... just, thanks. Thank you. You all had some lovely thoughts slash advice slash encouragement, and I am taking all the things you said to heart, even the ones that suggested that I move to a different part of the country (or a different country)/see a therapist/go on anti-depressants/just lighten the hell up already, god, all of which, although perfectly reasonable suggestions, are impossible right now, for various reasons.

Although there's a part of me that will probably always wonder if I wouldn't be happier somewhere else, I've spent years of my life trying to find that place only to discover that it's just like they say: Wherever you go, there you are. After years of moving from place to place I think I've finally realized that it's not my location that's making me unhappy, it's me. I've been doing so much moving around and starting over the last couple of years that I'd like to try to settle down and focus on where I am, for the moment, and who I am, rather than keep searching for that elusive perfect place that may not even exist.

Secondly, as far as I can tell, depression is for people who can afford shrinks and meds and co-pays and self-help books. People like me prefer to call it "the blues," or PMS, or the winter blahs, or congenital grumpiness, or anything else that doesn't require me to pay $150 an hour for someone to listen to me talk about my problems. I mean, that's what you guys are for, right?

And third, lighten up and be a little easier on myself? Do you even know me at all? Seriously though, you may be onto something there, and you're right, I probably should be a little more forgiving of myself. But then, what would I write about? "So I went to a tango class and it was a little hard, but it's ok because I'm just a beginner. I'm sure it will go better next time!" Or, "I keep sending out cover letters and resumes, and no one wants to give me a job, but I'm sure it's all due to the economy and not to any personal defect on my part. I guess I'll just keep plugging away!" I suppose there's always been a part of me that thinks that angsty, self-deprecating writing is just, well, more interesting. I guess the problem comes when it's not just writing, and you start to internalize all that self-deprecation until it consumes you. Though, really, it's not writing that's the problem. I was self-deprecating long before blogs came along. If anything, blogging about it helps dispel the poison by getting it all out there so I can try to move on. And that's what this is. Me getting it all out there so I can think about it, get some feedback, and try to move on.

Anyway, thanks. Thanks for reading. Thanks for responding. Thanks for the love and even the tough love. Life isn't so bad right now. Thanks for reminding me of that.


  1. hmmm, i was going to respond to the last post but instead i'll just spout off here, first Bukowski said Don't Try and Merle Haggard said Nothing's Easy and Pooh just is, somehow if you add that all up and drink on it for a week or so you'll hopefully have a moment of clarity when you realize shit just is and you ain't doing half bad right? grammar jokes are excellent and there's nothing sexier in my book than English teachers except of course Librarians, as for being happy somewhere else it's quite possible you would be but here i qoute Yoda refering to young Skywalker, "mind always on where he should be and not on where he is", i think you'll figure it out and be fine, don't fall into the trap of your job being who you are, it's a joke, i've been underemployed for years and love the fact that i can read, write, sleep and think and not take shit home with me, leaves more time to write and paint and take long walks while singing my favorite songs to myself, in my book you're doing great, you have almost no worldy possesions, some would say that's a massive success. enough of my rambling.

  2. Yay for booze!(?)

    Have you ever read "Feeling Good" by David Burns? It is the only "self help" book (it's really more of a psychology book) I'd ever recommend. You can get it at the library, or I could mail you a copy. Cheaper, and possibly much more effective than Prozac or a psychologist, particularly if the drugs/shrink route would put you into debt.

    Hugs for Rachel!!

    Also, this: "I suppose there's always been a part of me that thinks that angsty, self-deprecating writing is just, well, more interesting."

    You must find my blog so boring! ;)

  3. I have so been there. You're right, it probably would be the same no matter where you went. Unless a new place meant more opportunities, in which case I would say move.

    I think perhaps, and I could be totally off because I'm not a psychologist, so what the fuck do I know? But perhaps you are wanting things to be a certain way (like that ex you're still not over to be around) but you don't take the time to think why those things wouldn't work for your life. You lead a life that is exciting compared to the average Joe, but you're still searching for more. And there's nothing wrong with that, because I've been there, sometimes no matter what we have we want something different. But the key to happiness is accepting and being happy with what we have now, and dreaming for the future.

    Okay, I've rambled enough.

  4. I wanted to link to this article as I think you might relate:

    A lot of people in our 'generation' are going through the same sort of thing - feeling like they once had all this potential, and that it's all been wasted. I think it's partly to do with expectations, and being too hard on yourself as a result. I am experiencing the same thing right now (including marginal employment and relative social isolation), also after returning from Europe. I hope you feel better soon - and I definitely think that putting some effort into building a life for yourself in one place rather than running away again will help. I'm trying to stop being a snob and give my new town a chance.

  5. I totally get where you're coming from. And you can write whatever you want!

  6. I can definitely relate. I know the realization of "It's me." That you cannot out-run, might as well stay still and just face it.

    But I gotten to realize the it won't ever really go away, not all the way. It has to be managed. (At least for me.) And lots of things help. Eating vegetables, exercising, time with friends, meditation--all the generic pat things you see on lists and think "Why can't there be something USEFUL?" But it is useful.

    Anyway just rambling. Oh another thing I've noticed that is shocking to me because I had never done it or wanted to do it before--tanning helps! Found out I had a Vitamin D deficiency and tried tanning once. Felt weird and embarrassed to be seen going in or out of there, but it put me in a great mood that lasted for 2 days.

    I don't want to LOOK like I go tanning, so I only do it once a month or so.