Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Why sometimes I wonder if I'm adopted

Just as quick follow-up to yesterday's post: So you want to know what she did with the smoked salmon, do you Dawn? Do you really? Well, for Dawn, and for the strong of stomach amongst you, I present this brief exchange:

"Oh, we ate your smoked salmon while you were away," my mom told me offhandedly upon my return from the beach, in the tone of having done me a great favor.

"Oh, really? The unopened package of smoked salmon that I bought that was good for another three months?" I said. "How did you eat it?"

"Well, I cooked it and..."

"Wait, wait, wait...you cooked it?"

"Well, I put it in the microwave..."

"You put it in the microwave?!! And then what?!"

"And then...we ate it."

"You just...you just...ate it? Like that???" I shouted in a strangled voice, my stomach churning and a vein in my neck pulsing.

"Um, yes?"

"That was expensive and...I bought it and...you ruined it! I mean...that can't have even tasted good!"

"Well, your dad said it was salty," she offered, wrinkling her nose.

"Yeah! Yeah, it is salty, that's why you're only supposed to eat one thin slice at a time, as a garnish, and not the whole..." (muffled, close-mouthed swearing). "Gahhhh!!!"

"Well I didn't know..."

"That's why you shouldn't have eaten it!"

End scene.

To be clear, I wasn't so much upset that they had eaten something that was mine than I was that they (my mom, really) had ruined a perfectly good bit of fish. I would have been quite happy to donate it to the cause if it meant that my parents' first taste of smoked salmon was the way it was meant to be tasted: in pasta, on a salad, with eggs benedict, or on a bagel with cream cheese. But now
that salmon's life was in vain. I just hope the rest of his buttery delicious flesh went to better homes.

I mean, I bet she didn't even use lemon.
I mean, really.


  1. Oh my Gaaaawwwd, I want to vomit but I'm laughing too hard and I think I'd choke if I did both at the same time.

    Thanks (I think) for ending my curiosity.

  2. Oh, I can relate! My coworker cooked/burned/overheated/killed/? a smoked fish in our department's microwave. The smell was the worst part. Took ages to go away - and I did not use the microwave since then....

  3. Ok, I am vegetarian and don't eat fish and even I know that you don't microwave fish. I mean A BAGEL AND LOX...that's what, we, Jews do! Crikey

  4. I love you and this blog, but I don't like these last two posts. I know you don't want my opinion, but you are super harsh to your mom. If she's always been a poor cook, then I don't really know what you expect now.

    I get not wanting praise when you don't feel it's due, but you should recognize that for what it is. I wish my parents would be appreciative or try to be encouraging of the things I do.

    Plus, you're 28? 29? They really did not have to let you come home. You don't have to be eternally grateful, but you can try not to act like a spoilt brat.

    This downtime is part of the price you pay for the luxury of a year in Paris. I know it's frustrating when you don't have a job or anything to do. I've been there, and it's awful, but I have total faith that you'll pull out of it and move on soon. I hope it's really soon. You're much more interesting as an adult.

  5. Hey darlin! Paris misses you! If you want to squat in my apartment I'd be happy to let you.

    You sound like you need to move out of moms and pops ASAP. You've already reached your threshold. Try not to take it out too much on your parents, kay? They just love you. They know not what they do...

    Come back soon!

  6. I think Anonymous has the best idea. If I were your mother, I would have smacked you upside the head during the whole pork chops debate and removed your finger nails slowly in the middle of the salmon "discussion." You're much too old to act like this. And why so much contempt for them, their house, and their cars? You could be kinder.


  7. Haha, I agree what a waste of a perfectly good fish!