Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Why home is where the crazy is

So I'm going home in six days. I'm really excited about it! Ok, that's a lie. But it's hard when my sister keeps sending me e-mails like this, telling me what I have to look forward to:

not to be a downer but ur gonna hate it here. lol. mom is a crazy cat lady and she repeats herself a lot and is rather naggy. so i need u to try to be patient and not yell at her all the time. i just dont want to be around yelling. also i swear u will think im crazy but the ant problem extends to your room. i can feel them crawling on me in your bed. aaaa!! im trying to remedy this situation. and... no big surprise but they are ridiculous and keep everything and its psychotic. so there about twice as much stuff as should be in this house, and i admit im contributing but im trying to minimalize and plus all my stuff is shoved in one room. im sneaking things out to goodwill and the trash can and hoping they dont catch me. i just want to throw it all out!!

Wow, there's a lot of information there. Nothing I haven't heard before, though, except maybe about the ants. Ants! The smuggling out of trash is definitely nothing new; I've been doing it for years, every time I come home. But somehow every time I come back there's even more stuff than before. It's like all the junk I get rid of comes back and has little junk babies. I can't tell you the number of times I've taken something out to the trash, double- or triple-bagged it and smushed it down really good under other stuff, only to have it "mysteriously" reappear the next day. Once Iast summer I took a giant box containing ten years worth of old magazines out to be recycled. A box of magazines that I had asked and been granted full permission to dispose of. So I lugged that giant heavy damn box of magazines down to the end of the driveway and left it there next to the recycling bin. But the next day, it was back! Bwah! might rain? And the recycling might get wet? And that would like, ruin it? I tried to use reason, explaining that, much like it doesn't matter what food touches what food on your plate because it all gets mixed together in your stomach anyway, when you recycle paper, it gets wet! It's all one mushy sopping paper paste! But anyway, my mother said, they don't like it when you put out that much recycling at once.

I don't know what my sister has against yelling, anyway. It can be very cathartic.

this cat stinks. im sitting down here and i hear her scratching in her litter box for about ten minutes and im like, jeez, what is she doing? then the smell comes. and boy does it smell. it almost drove me away. so im thinking, that cat is so smelly. and now i cant get the 'smelly cat' song from friends out of my head. lol. according to the song, its not her fault, and i wonder what they're feeding her. the worst part is, my nose isnt adjusting. thats how u know a smell is bad right, when u keep getting disgusted breath after breath? so mom comes home and i tell her, and shes like, i dont smell anything i think the cat covered it up good. im like u dont smell that? she walks right in the bathroom and is like no, its fine. im telling u, it wreaks. so anyway, im going to try to get the house in somewhat order for when u return. its not gonna be easy or perfect but i hope to get some sort of organization going. i cant do anything about the basement, which is almost creepy now. it looks like where computers and music supplies come to die. also, the shower is still super crappy and ive just been taking baths, which also takes forever to fill up. so be forewarned. hows life?

Ah, yes, the cat that my mother loves more than life itself, that she mentions in every e-mail and phone conversation and who is so talented and smart and pweshus that her shit doesn't even stink. First of all, I never had a cat when I was a kid, and it was all I wanted in the world. Once when I was eight or nine I wrote a heart-felt letter to my dad on my best lavender stationery, detailing all the reasons I wanted a kitten and I would be so responsible and take care of it and love it and play with it and the neighbor down the street's cat had kittens and please please please dad please. I left it where he would find it and waited. He didn't mention it, and so I asked him if he had read it and he said yes he did and no I couldn't have a cat. My mom was on my side though, and so when a friend of hers' cat had kittens she let this friend bring over this adorable little ball of fluff, along with a litter box and food and all its accessories and dropped it off at our house where we hoped to nonchalantly pretend it had been all along. I named it and everything. Her name was Lacey. My dad came home and boy was he not pleased. He thought it was sneaky and underhanded and my mom's friend had to drive all thirty minutes back to our house the very same night to pick up her cat and all its accessories. I cried. Anyway, my sister must have some magic charm when it comes to animals and my parents, or maybe they just can't say no to her, but when she got a dog a few years back they warned that they would not be taking care of any dog when she got tired of it, no sir. Then she went away to Guam to work for one summer and took the dog to my parents' house because she had nowhere else to go. My parents took her in grudgingly, threatening all the while that they were going to find a new home for her, or take her to the pound. Three years later and that dog is still at my parents' house, and my dad loves her to pieces and plays his harmonica and she sticks her nose in the air and howls and he swears she's "singing." Also there's the cat and like I said, either my sister is a miracle worker or my parents have gone soft in their old age. And it's great that they have pets and all now, because they need them, but I'm still a little bitter.

dad is now taking junk to his dads house because theres no room here and i guess thats his new junk pile. it makes me feel like an inconvenience but also just makes me feel like they are ridiculous. i have to smuggle trash out again. seriously. i was just like, hey mom, what are these pointless clear plastic balls with broken tops? can i throw them out? and of course, shes all, oh nooooo i was going to use those im going to make somethingggggg.... aaaaa. and thats pretty much the story behind the entire room im trying to clean out. i figured u would understand. but ur room is in order. u have more clothes than me. i had to be creative moving your winter stuff back in. good luck fitting all ur crap from france in here. haha. we can have a swap meet if u like. ok bye

Well of course she's going to make something, Becca. Duh. I just read an article on wikiHow this morning called How To Make Something With Pointless Clear Plastic Balls With Broken Tops. She's also probably bookmarked the article on How To Make Something With Three Million Plastic Bags And Also That Luggage Set From The Eighties With The Broken Zippers. It all has a purpose, Becca! Sheesh.

Anyway, I can't wait to see you! Just clear out a path from the front door to my room for me, ok? Love ya lots!


  1. Oy!

    But think of the fabulous blog posts you'll be able to write while you're there. If you can find your computer, that is...

  2. Oh man, I feel for you. That sounds pretty awful, especially after having been in the awesomeness that is FRANCE for months and months. At least you have a partner in crime who understands your parents nuttiness. Thank god for siblings. Can you imagine being an only child and having to deal with this alone? Your sister sounds like a sweetie...a sweetie who gets her way when it comes to pets.

  3. yay! coming back home!! cant wait to see you!

  4. Wow. My parent's house is eerily similar, except add two more cats that pee on the carpet. My condolences.

  5. LOVE UR POST... its meee!!! sister! i have great news. the shower works (better) and i have the horrible luggage set in my trunk!!! SHHH! i smuggled it out!!! yayy!!!

  6. hi. so i found your blog through my good friend "belovable", an i adore it. i plan to keep reading (and not ask permission to do so)
    i would love for you to check out my blog "navybluemangos" and let me know what you think.

  7. re ants: walgreens sells these AMAZING little things called "ant traps" - they're little plastic igloos filled with poison. put a few of those around the house (they're also super cheap) and your ants will be gone by the end of the day!

    but make sure you put them in spaces where the cat can't lick them