Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Why sex is like a Dorito

I rolled into the house last night well after my bedtime, kicked off my boots, and flopped on the couch with a dramatic sigh. Fred briefly looked up from his video game-playing. "Where were you?" he asked.

"Dinner," I said.

"With Hervé?" he asked.

"With people. Hervé was there."

(The teacher in question, and on-again, off-again object of my affection, is named Harvey. Ok, yeah, Hervé in French, but in English it's Harvey. This has not yet ceased to be amusing to me).

"Has he kissed you yet?" he asked.

"Still no," I said. In French, loosely translated, it kind of sounds like I said forever not. And honestly, that's kind of how it feels. "And you know, on Saturday night I was at his apartment for the second time, we were hanging out on his couch, and still nothing."

"Maybe he's gay?" he suggested.

"No, he's not," I said. "But it's funny you mention it. We saw the movie Milk, and he told me his brother is gay, but he also specifically said that he's not."

"Yeah, he's probably gay," Fred said. "You know it runs in families."

"No, he's not," I said. "He looks at me this way, sometimes...Plus he's mentioned his ex-girlfriend. No, he's not gay. I think what it must be...I guess I'm just unkissable!" I buried my head dramatically in my hands.

"No, you're not unkissable," Fred murmured. I peeked through my fingers. He was still staring straight ahead, his thumbs working the tiny players running across the screen.

"Yup," I confirmed. "Unkissable."

"Rachel, stop. You're not unkissable."

"Well there's only two options," I said. "Either I'm unkissable or he's gay. Neither option is good!"

"No, there's the third option," said Fred.

"What's that?"

"He's really shy."

"Yeah, that's what I was thinking, too," I sighed. "But honestly...I'm a woman! I have needs!"

"Yeah?" Fred said, this time looking up from his game.

"Yeah!" I said. "I have...cuddle needs!"

"Aww, you want a cuddle?" Fred asked. "Come here..." And he put his controller down to offer me a hug. I gladly accepted, and if I clung a bit too long, at least I refrained from latching onto his face in the manner of a desperate and hungry eel. Because not jumping on top of innocent, video game-playing boys in their own living room is what a good roommate does, of course. No matter how unkissed she may be.

So, obviously kissing has been on my mind, as of late. And, as Rhett Butler once said to Scarlett O'Hara, I firmly believe that I, too, need to be kissed, and often. And by someone who knows how! Looking back, it has been over two months since the last time I was kissed. And the last time I was kissed well, I mean the last time I was really, really kissed...god, it's coming up on two years now. It's funny, the things I miss. Kissing, cuddling. Someone to sleep next to at night. Sex, on the other hand...Sex is one of those things that the longer I go without, the easier it gets. It's like I'm training for the Abstinence Olympics, and frankly, I'm kicking ass. It's like...I can't remember the last time I ate a Dorito, right? And I know that at one point in time I ate and enjoyed Doritos. But I haven't had one in I don't know how long, and at the moment, I can't say that I miss them. But, if someone were to offer me a Dorito right now, I'd probably eat it. And I would probably enjoy it. And then, because you can't eat just one, I would probably eat another. And then another. And then pretty soon I'd remember why it was that I loved Doritos so much in the first place. God, Doritos are amazing! I would say to myself. I can't believe I went so long without one! Doritos and I shall never be parted again! And then Doritos and I would live happily ever after, or as long as my Dorito supplier decided to stick around. At the moment, I happen to be in between Dorito suppliers, and so I'm content to nibble on other snack foods. But lord help me if I get a taste of that spicy orange powder. Once you get a taste for Doritos, there's no going back.


  1. I love this post so funny. Doritos is the perfect comparison you always forget about them, until you have it again, and you're like wow I want to eat this everyday.

  2. I think I have to go buy some Doritos now.

  3. This post reminded me that I have to go back and finish the middle of your blog. I love your writing! And great comparison of the doritos....I could go for some "doritos" right now ;)

  4. i will never look at snack food the same way again.
    thanks rach.

  5. Men are extremely sensitive. Our delicate natures and our superior intellects do not like it when we are compared to snack foods. We are a five-course meal, with a very fine wine at every stage.

    And, anyway, they don't even have Doritos in foreign countries, which is why you should probably return home and go straight to a really, truly, wonderfully superb restaurant with a full menu.

    Come to think of it, I wouldn't mind a beer about now.


  6. I don't like doritos (the snack food)!! What does that say about my sex life???

  7. That's so true. Just a whiff of that cheesy smell and I need whole bag.

  8. I haven't had "Cheetos" in a long, long time and I miss 'em!!

    Love your blog.

  9. 2 things:

    1. At least you have Fred.. you know, just in case the dorito hankering comes back before the dorito does.
    2. Self love. Go buy yourself a nice dorito, for heaven's sake.

  10. I know just what you mean about needing a hug - the French cheek kissing doesn't quite do it! :-)

  11. I love this. I totally feel your pain. I also feel this way when I read a book that mentions Doritos in a particularly appetizing way or see a movie where there are images of people eating Doritos (even though the actual act is hidden or implied). It makes me realize how long its been since I've had them too.

    Also, I really miss good kissing without it being a prelude to sex. (I couldn't come up with a good anology for junk food to kissing).

  12. Loves it! Sex really is as addictive as doritos!

  13. Howdy! This post rocks. Any person that can tie together Doritos and Sex in writing is more than deserving of a kiss!

    Great writing.

  14. You have an uncanny way with words and I certainly hope that you have gotten the recognition you deserve. I'll be back.

    Fabulously written, Miss Why.

  15. I too have been training for the abstinence olympics. For a very very long time. And I always thought I was freak for thinking it but I swear the less you have, the less you want. On the other hand, the MORE you have, the MORE you want.

    Just like those damn Doritos.