I rolled into the house last night well after my bedtime, kicked off my boots, and flopped on the couch with a dramatic sigh. Fred briefly looked up from his video game-playing. "Where were you?" he asked.
"Dinner," I said.
"With Hervé?" he asked.
"With people. Hervé was there."
(The teacher in question, and on-again, off-again object of my affection, is named Harvey. Ok, yeah, Hervé in French, but in English it's Harvey. This has not yet ceased to be amusing to me).
"Has he kissed you yet?" he asked.
"Still no," I said. In French, loosely translated, it kind of sounds like I said forever not. And honestly, that's kind of how it feels. "And you know, on Saturday night I was at his apartment for the second time, we were hanging out on his couch, and still nothing."
"Maybe he's gay?" he suggested.
"No, he's not," I said. "But it's funny you mention it. We saw the movie Milk, and he told me his brother is gay, but he also specifically said that he's not."
"Yeah, he's probably gay," Fred said. "You know it runs in families."
"No, he's not," I said. "He looks at me this way, sometimes...Plus he's mentioned his ex-girlfriend. No, he's not gay. I think what it must be...I guess I'm just unkissable!" I buried my head dramatically in my hands.
"No, you're not unkissable," Fred murmured. I peeked through my fingers. He was still staring straight ahead, his thumbs working the tiny players running across the screen.
"Yup," I confirmed. "Unkissable."
"Rachel, stop. You're not unkissable."
"Well there's only two options," I said. "Either I'm unkissable or he's gay. Neither option is good!"
"No, there's the third option," said Fred.
"He's really shy."
"Yeah, that's what I was thinking, too," I sighed. "But honestly...I'm a woman! I have needs!"
"Yeah?" Fred said, this time looking up from his game.
"Yeah!" I said. "I have...cuddle needs!"
"Aww, you want a cuddle?" Fred asked. "Come here..." And he put his controller down to offer me a hug. I gladly accepted, and if I clung a bit too long, at least I refrained from latching onto his face in the manner of a desperate and hungry eel. Because not jumping on top of innocent, video game-playing boys in their own living room is what a good roommate does, of course. No matter how unkissed she may be.
So, obviously kissing has been on my mind, as of late. And, as Rhett Butler once said to Scarlett O'Hara, I firmly believe that I, too, need to be kissed, and often. And by someone who knows how! Looking back, it has been over two months since the last time I was kissed. And the last time I was kissed well, I mean the last time I was really, really kissed...god, it's coming up on two years now. It's funny, the things I miss. Kissing, cuddling. Someone to sleep next to at night. Sex, on the other hand...Sex is one of those things that the longer I go without, the easier it gets. It's like I'm training for the Abstinence Olympics, and frankly, I'm kicking ass. It's like...I can't remember the last time I ate a Dorito, right? And I know that at one point in time I ate and enjoyed Doritos. But I haven't had one in I don't know how long, and at the moment, I can't say that I miss them. But, if someone were to offer me a Dorito right now, I'd probably eat it. And I would probably enjoy it. And then, because you can't eat just one, I would probably eat another. And then another. And then pretty soon I'd remember why it was that I loved Doritos so much in the first place. God, Doritos are amazing! I would say to myself. I can't believe I went so long without one! Doritos and I shall never be parted again! And then Doritos and I would live happily ever after, or as long as my Dorito supplier decided to stick around. At the moment, I happen to be in between Dorito suppliers, and so I'm content to nibble on other snack foods. But lord help me if I get a taste of that spicy orange powder. Once you get a taste for Doritos, there's no going back.