Friday, March 6, 2009

Why I don't do diapers

I've written before about my love/hate relationship with On the one hand, it is free, and I do like free. But on the other hand it has provided me with more horror story dates than I would care to remember. Unfortunately, as much as I might like to permanently erase certain first date disasters from my memory, blogging about them pretty much ensures that they will be memorialized for all time. After all, who could forget the time I went out with the guy whose Niles-Crane-in-a-sauna impression was so spot-on (albeit completely unintentional) that I could barely refrain from asking him what Kelsey Grammar is like in real life (and also handing him a towel). Or how about the time I went on a date with the actual, real-life reincarnation of that oafishly despicable villain, Gaston from Beauty and the Beast? Not to mention all the guys whose bumbling attempts at first contact effectively guaranteed that not only would they never have a shot at a date with me, but their ill-advised and misconstrued attempts at seduction would be mocked pitilessly and publicly. In other words, there is a lot to fear from Okcupid, and so far, almost exactly a year and a half later, not that much to gain. And yet, I still find myself clicking back there daily, checking for new e-mails and fresh blood. Yes, Okcupid, in the immortal words of Lou Reed, you just keeeeep me haaaaaaanging on.... (And wow, was that not at all what I was expecting to find when I looked up that song. I still can't decide if that video is totally amazing, or reminiscent of an especially awkward SNL sketch called Duets That Should Probably Never Have Happened. Also, what is going on with Pavarotti's eyebrows there? Are they glued on?)

Anyway, because I just can't shrug off Okcupid's uncomfortable and somewhat icky embrace, I logged in to my account once again today, and found this message:

Robots, eh? Well, why not? Everyone knows robots are experts in affairs of the heart. I mean, if robots can vacuum our floors and perform surgery, than they should definitely be able to sort through a list of my likes and dislikes and match me up with a compatible suitor, right? Man, I am so excited to see who the robot thinks I should be with. This is like dating in the future or something. I feel like Judy Jetson!

Ok, robot, let's see him, let's see my knight in shining...


Oh god. That's burned onto my retinas.

Screw you, robot matchmaker. Screw you.

Okcupid...more than I wish that two gay cowboys had never spawned this phrase (and I wish that a lot)...but yes, even more than that, Okcupid, I wish I could quit you.


  1. Seriously? That's a real profile?

  2. OMG!! That's hilarious- and GROSS! Who the HECK would create that as their profile? Maybe they are looking for a woman who wants to have kids right away? Or maybe hi is just plain WEIRD!!!
    I give you a lot of credit for sticking with it, though. I met my hubby on Yahoo Personals (in Dec. '04). Me in Cali and him in France and so I know there is hope for you finding a normal guy to date! Keep with it....
    Maybe try Meetic on Yahoo (though you have to pay).
    Take care, Leesa

  3. Sadly, this is all too real. Read up here for more than you ever wanted to know about this particular fetish:

  4. That is just too bizarre! I wonder if some idiot put that profile on there just for a laugh - only it's just stupid.

  5. omg...maybe I've sat across from this guy on the metro and not even known it...*shudders*

  6. Most individuals who have these fantasies do not seek psychotherapy.

    And risk being locked up for 20 years? No wonder.


  7. I'm behind the times, but You. Win. with the Pampers pick. I was pissed when Match came up with this dude: -I just quit Matchmaker after over a year getting their emails of six losers a week. They finally showed me a good looking semi-qualifier, so I put up a photo & favorited him. Come back to see that Mister Cute dropped by and wasn't impressed, but that I had an email from some 63-year-old hooker. Then I saw your post. I feel better - you got me to feel better - thank you so much!