Saturday, January 17, 2009

Why I think it would be awesome to make a WWFOTCD bracelet

Calling all Conchords fans! Now is the moment we have all been waiting for without even knowing it. It's your chance to ask Bret and Jemaine for answers to all your dating and relationship questions. I've already sent in two questions, and they go, Do you like tall, gawky, French-speaking girls? and, Jemaine, why were you so standoffish when my friend Tal ran into you on the street? She's only creepy and stalkerish because she loves you! Ok, no, I'm kidding. But I really did send in my dating query, and this is how it went:

My question is for Bret, the on-again, off-again keeper of a delicious-looking beard. I recently went on a first date with a fully-bearded man, and after several hours of pleasant conversation we shared an extended goodnight kiss. It was then that I noticed it--the funk. There was a noticeably funky, musky, almost sexy smell emanating from the depths of his beard. And while there are several bodily regions which could be considered acceptable emitters of sexy smells, barring any more intimate first date activities, the face is generally not one of them. I'll be honest- it was a turn-off. And what's more, this comes at a particularly delicate juncture when my decision-making faculties are ruled by first impressions, and his slightest transgression is enough to convince me to write him off forever. Assuming I do decide to go on a second date with him, how do I deal with the funk? Do I casually bring up his shower routine and ask if he uses regular soap on his beard or a beard-specific shampoo? Do I blast him with a shot of Febreze when he's not looking and then pretend it's an accident? I have to say I have dated several guys with beards before and never encountered this problem.

So, Bret, how do you keep your beard fresh and sweet-smelling (as yours looks to be the kind of face one could eat dinner off of, if one were so inclined), and how do you recommend I deal with this musked avenger?

A Delicate Flower

The answers will appear in the April/May issue of Bust magazine, so until then I'm keeping my fingers (and nostrils) crossed...


  1. a delicate flower is sure a step up from P___G____ :) you find the best sign off names...

  2. I tend to date guys with beards, as that's my preference, and I've never encountered this before. Weird/gross, for sure.

    Also, last night at a party I saw Bret on the dance floor so my friends and I danced near him/up on him. He didn't fall madly in love with me though, which must mean he just didn't see me, right?? Yeah, he must not have seen me. Good lord that guy is hot.

  3. This time the beard smelled more mildewy than musky. Not a vast improvement, in any case. Alas, I fear it is not meant to be.

    And OMG! Between you and Tal with your Conchord spottings I think I'm like, one degree of separation away from a Jemaine or a Bret! Which I'm pretty sure means we're getting married. Seriously, you guys are killing me. Why can't I see a Conchord???