Thursday, December 11, 2008

Why winter in Paris is still winter, and I am still me, after all

I haven't been much in a post-y mood lately, if you haven't noticed. When not slumping around from school to home and back, I've been spending hours and hours in and around my bed, which doesn't exactly lend itself to interesting inter-personal encounters or cutesy and bloggable life lessons. I have no energy, no motivation, I have run out of men to date, and even the mere act of having to keep myself fed is enough to send me into a desperate tail-spin. (Three times a day? I have to eat something three times a day? Who came up with these rules?!) Something must be wrong, I keep thinking. Something serious, perhaps. Except that it all feels vaguely familiar. Oh's called winter. And apparently it happens every year. (Thank goodness I have my blog to keep me accountable).

So yes, the winter blahs have hit with a vengeance. I managed to evade them throughout the month of November, but they caught up with me in December, pesky little buggers that they are. And although I am in a very different situation this year as compared to the last, the basics remain pretty much the same: eternally gray skies, a dating standstill, and a city where I essentially know no one. And though I am happily finished with all things exam- and paper-related, I have replaced that pesky little annoyance with with a different but perhaps even more dispiriting problem called So Much Time, So Little To Do.

So, while I indulge this dreary and macabre mood of mine by putting off everything important that I need to do and reading through my entire ex-related blog archive instead (for example), please accept this peace offering of FILLER! The old inbox has been filling up again with all manner of illiterate, ill-worded, and otherwise ill-advised seduction attempts, and before I delete them from my mailbox and from my life, I thought I would share some of them with you. It's certainly not the first time I've done this, and I guarantee it won't be the last, but in that vein I present to you my ever-expanding list of Unsuitable Suitors - FAIL Edition. Let's dive right in, shall we? Get ready, 'cause the first one's a doozy:

hello cutie, how re you sound so real and interesting i felt i should give my self a try Hamilton a simple 34 yrs old man from Uk,who is absolutely God fearing,,i run a link 5x business across asia and beyong,,as well as making the amescua biodisc a relevant factor to our everday usage and knowlege to the world at large...i went tru your page and its like we share the same dream .. i wanna be ur best friend if u are ready to go beyond your normal stage and accept the fact that A true friend is the one who holds ur hand & touches ur heart and leave a footprint. A true lover is the one that warms ur heart, caresses ur soul supports ur dreams, builds ur confidence, forgives ur mistakes, wishes u happinness, give u freely, appreciates ur presence, willing to lets u go, lovingly welcomes u back,see the better side of you that no one else sees and adore your everyfeelings, i wanna support your dream and help you grow emocionaly and financially ..if u want a man by ur side to love and care for u..then am willing to be one to help you through..thanks i hope to read from u soon.


Hello, even if your photos don't show it I think you're probably really pretty. Am I wrong?


[Translated from the original French, with all original punctuation and formatting:]
hello cute princess,i kiss you strongly with all my heart,have a good day
i would like to be a tear to be born in your eyes,to live on your cheeks and die kissing your lips,i do not know you but i really like you,i would like to be with you even if it's just for passing a few moments,i accept,know that i understand whatever your decision,i kiss you very strongly and most of all do not forget that i like you


[Also translated from original French]
Franck: So, Rachel, [ed. note: read as "rah-shell"] who lives in Chelles [ed. note: read as "shell"]. Is that humour or coincidence?

Me: It's a coincidence, but I find it rather poetic, non? And you, Franck? You don't happen to work in a bank, do you?

Franck: Why would I work in a bank?


That's it's for today's edition of Unsuitable Suitors. If you have your own submission, please do share in the comments. It might even bring me out of my funk. The Internet! Possibly better than Prozac! And if all else fails...there's always chocolate. Stay warm, everyone.


  1. I love these kind of gems...and why is it that most men feel the need to forget how to spell words when writing. Is it so much to ask that they actually spell out you, instead of going with u. Are those two letters really that much work!

  2. Oh that Franck! Such a nutty kookoo.

    I'm in CT, close to your previous home, and just so you know... winter still sucks here too. No real snow yet, but the rain is killing the spirit that dog-walking was intended.

  3. rach,
    i'm grading papers and suffering from a crappy late autumn cold, so i hear ya.

    thanks for the fun okcupid bits. my favorite has to be the idiot that told you in no uncertain terms that you're ugly ?? yes, that's the perfect way to try to start a convo!

    tal will be there soon, so cheer up!

  4. I am endlessly happy that you not only included the word "FAIL," but in so aesthetic a fashion!!

  5. "i would like to be a tear to be born in your eyes,to live on your cheeks and die kissing your lips"

    OMG. Somebody do a web search in French and see what terrible movie that came from!

    However... I'm totally going to use it as a pick up line. And I think you should put it in your profile description on OKcupd. :)

  6. omg, i am totally sitting in my hotel room laughing my ass off right now. i especially love the "Hello, even if your photos don't show it I think you're probably really pretty. Am I wrong?". CLASSIC!

  7. "absolutely god fearing" is my new favorite phrase. email me!!!

  8. Ditto with the "absolutely god fearing." WTF?

    And I'm feeling those winter blues (or would it be "grays") just as much as you. These days I have no greater daily goal than to stay warm. Staying fed falls a distant second. Hopefully, some days off and time away from the city will pull you out of that funk...will pull us both out. In the meantime, I'm happy with the comedic filler!

  9. I dunno. Hamilton sounded really good. Great way with words and all. You're too fussy.