Friday, December 19, 2008

Why optimism is insane

Christmas has come early around here; after holding out for over two months, Meetic (the French, if you will) has offered me a free three month pass, no strings attached. (Although, we all know how my last No Strings Attached Experiment ended. Here's hoping that this faceless corporation knows how to treat a girl). Two days in and I am already conversing with handsome, bearded strangers on the Internet. Given how my last encounter with a handsome, bearded stranger from the Internet ended, however, it does beg the question: Will I ever learn? I believe it was Einstein who said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. In which case, I am obviously certifiably insane. I keep banging my head against this brick wall, hoping that just once the bricks will crumble and a handsome prince will be waiting on the other side. But up to now, all I've gotten is a headache. (And this prince talk aside, we all know I'm not some hopeless romantic. I'm not into royal lineage or fairy tales- at this point, just a guy who calls me back would be nice). I know, I know...this try, try again attitude clashes with my natural and deep-seated pessimism. You think that under this gruff exterior there is probably a sunny optimist just dying to break free, right? Well fear not, dear readers. There is no metamorphosis taking place here, and this caterpillar isn't planning on pinning on her butterfly wings anytime soon. Let's just say that in my naturally dark and perverse way, I am determined to prove what deep down I already suspect: that I will never find anyone and I will be alone forever.

And so in lieu of New Year's Resolutions, which I have never really been that into in the first place, I offer this challenge to the new year: Bring it, 2009. In 2008 I got food poisoning, went through financial and geographic upheaval, got pooped on, and was rejected more times than I can count. You think you can beat that, 2009? Well go ahead, do your worst. See, 2008 thinks that it's gotten the best of me, but what it doesn't understand is that with adversity comes massively lowered expectations. So it's raining and I forgot my umbrella and my phone hasn't rung in five days-- hey, look, chocolate! Man, I love chocolate. What's that you say, 2008? Why don't I marry it, then? Maybe I will, 2008. (But only if this guy I've been waiting for to call me back for the last three months doesn't ask me first. Any day now...)

So, 2009, I heard 2008 say that I'm not worthy of love and will be alone forever, and there's not shit you can do about it. Are you going to take that, 2009? But you know, 2008 is probably right. I'll bet you can't find someone for me by the end of next year. I mean, your friends 2007 and 2008 have had their chance, and to be honest, they've blown it. What makes you think you're so special, 2009? No, I just don't think you can do it. But you know what...what the hell. Go ahead and give it a shot. I dare you.


  1. Hahaha!! This Totally cracked me up. I am not optimistic enough to make any new years resolutions. Least of all about my love life. I totally just ruined a dudes Christmas. That's what Meetic got HIM for Christmas. Ouf! I'm going to Hell I think!

  2. LOL I was on America's and it did shit for me. 2008 got my ass dumped and heartbroken and I am still trying to pick up the pieces. Screw optimism. 2008 had me throw that out the door of a moving car. Now when I meet people, and see situations, I think of the bad first. so far I have been right 90% of the time. And at this rate pessimism is here to stay. Which is why my blog is called "For a pessimist I'm pretty Optimistic." Stupid year, and stupid boys!"