Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Why karma is a bitch

It appears that Emmanuel is not as eager to go on a second date as I had hoped, a fact I picked up on when he stopped returning my e-mails (because I'm perceptive like that), and Gabriel is canceling dates before he's even met me. And I know why. You know why? Karma.

For the last week I have been ignoring Benjamin's e-mails and Aidan's text messages, which technically makes me a terrible person, I realize, or at least I'm beginning to realize, ever since karma started kicking my ass. But how do you tell someone that although he is very nice, normal, and completely inoffensive, you don't feel the pressing need to ever see him again? And on the other hand, how do you tell someone that you think you've given it a fair shot already, and you don't need a fourth opportunity to confirm what you think you already know (aka that he's boring, a bit pretentious, and has an unnatural love for tea?) And so I've been avoiding the situation, hoping that if I ignore it it will go away. So far, it's worked. That is, until karma came in to the picture. It makes perfect sense: two boys that I'm ignoring, swiftly followed by two boys who are ignoring me. What comes around goes around right? Or is that the flu?

It's not that I'm incapable of being straightforward with men. I sent my Norwegian date, Dag, a "thanks, but no" e-mail that prompted him to respond, "Wow, that was the nicest rejection I've ever received!" I don't think there's a sarcastic bone in his body, so I'm pretty sure he meant it. Of course, this is the man who prefaced our date with an e-mail "warning" me that he had gained a bit of weight since his pictures were taken and indicating that if I wanted to be let off the hook, now was the time. I was mildly pissed. I mean, this was a trap, right? There was no way I could cancel the date now, but if he felt the need to warn me in advance, we must be talking a significant amount of weight, right? And to think that all of this could be avoided if everyone posted representative pictures of themselves in the first place. So I went on the date not knowing what I was getting into. Would he ride a scooter? Would he have to wear a muumuu? I met him for sushi, and honestly...he was fine. Like...fine. He was a big man all around, 6'2", broad-shouldered, and, ok, maybe a bit of a belly, but honestly, the only thing that said "fat man" about him was the sheen of sweat on his face when he arrived. (Which was enough of turnoff for me. Because while I can handle fat, I have a hard time dealing with sweat). It quickly became apparent that whatever his physical condition, he probably had some self-esteem issues, and that, along with our failure to "click," prompted me to e-mail my polite refusal of a second date. His response confirmed my theory: "Is it the belly? It's the belly, right? I've gotta work on getting rid of that thing! But the food is just so good here, ha ha..." I responded that he had to give me a little more credit; I'm not that shallow. His response?

"For the record, I myself *am* that shallow. And while I may feel on an intellectual level that such things shouldn't matter so much there is no denying that I have serious doubt whether I'd ever be sexually attracted to a girl as overweight as myself."

Lord help the woman who marries him and bears his child, which, as I hear, requires one to gain a signficant amount of weight for several months at a time. I don't care that you just gave birth, honey, you better get your ass on a treadmill and lose that baby weight, before your husband leaves you for a skinnier woman. I decided his e-mail wasn't worthy of a response, so I didn't tell him that I had dated and actually had sex (gasp!) with men fatter than him. (Ok, so by men I mean man, and by fatter I mean as fat. Also, he was bald. And a cheater and a pathological liar! Man, can I pick 'em. But the point here (ahem), is that no one will ever accuse me of being shallow).

I've clearly had more than my fair share of bad dating luck, leading me to wonder if I wasn't some kind of sadistic uber-bitch in a past life. So the question now is, how do I get my karma back on track? Do I hang around street corners, waiting for little old ladies who need help crossing, or hope that there will be a cat in a tree that needs rescuing? Or do I break down, e-mail Benjamin and Aidan, and tell them that though I had fun, I just don't think we're a match?

Suggestions welcome.


  1. I am going through a similar situation now, I met this nice guy been on 2 or 3 dates with him. Nothing really wrong with him but I'm just kind of "meh" about him. I don't think this would ever lead to more than just friends. He has little quirks that drive me crazy. So what do I do I get a tad too liquored up and make out with him, like a hard up teenager. Now, how do I get him off my butt.

    I'm going to try the whole emailing thing. Honestly, I don't mind being friends but nothing more. Maybe it will work for you and it will flip that bad karma you've been dealing with.

    In any case, I think its worth a try.

  2. I think sending rejection emails would be nice - I know how much I have hated it when, after what seemed like a fun date, I never heard from the guy again.

  3. I think emails are definitely in order. Funny - reading your post made me realize how very much dating has changed. I'm ... um ... a bit older than you and back thenm we never had email, so any rejection had to be done in person or on the phone (no call display or voice mail either, so you couldn't even avoid calls). If I was dating now, I would certainly use email to gently let guys know that I didn't feel any spark, so thanks but no thanks. Good luck!

  4. oh god rach, if there is a thing such as karma, you would be with ewan macgreggor! although the last few months have made me wonder if in a past life we were nazis. things have to turn around soon. right? right????

  5. At first I was thinking "Wow, reject them over email? That's harsh." But then I realized that A) it's not like you were in a relationship with them, you just went on a few dates, and B) I would be pissed if someone made plans to meet me with the sole intention of saying they don't want to date anymore. So more power to you. And do make sure to at least let them know. It sucks to be left hanging with no clue what happened. Better luck with the next one!

  6. Dan - I guess this is where I'm not supposed to admit that I totally broke up with my last boyfriend (of three years) over e-mail. But he deserved it and the straw that broke the camel's back was that he wouldn't come over to my house in the first place, so one could say I had no choice. Also it needed to be done and in person I never would have been able to go through with it. Also, he gets the last laugh because though I am the one who broke up with him, a year and a half later he has long moved on, and I'm the one still living in the past. Fun! Karma is weird and confusing sometimes.

  7. Rach, if you'd like, I can break up with these guys for you, just like Homer's business Sweet Conclusions.

  8. your blog is so incredibly funny! I got the link through another blogger who I know in person here in Paris and who loves your blog too (k, don't be freaked out, I'm not creepy...just another ex-pat like yourself in France). Anyway, I find letting guys down (by phone, email, text, carrier pigeon) hard no matter what, so just think about ripping off a bandage (and not an anal one) it quickly and hopefully painlessly and move on!

    P.S. living vicariously through your dating stories because I'm married (to a frenchie) and it seems like light years since I had a real date (and I'm only 26...ugh)

  9. Thanks, Crystal! And no worries. I love finding out about other ex-pat bloggers in France.

    So, I'm thinking I will start with the quick and painless date removal time. To e-mail these guys now, after two weeks of nothing, just to say, "Hey, in case you hadn't figured it out, I was ignoring you because I don't want to see you again" seems a bit like overkill. But in the future I promise I will be a kinder, more considerate ex-date! (You hear that, karma?)

    And, don't live too vicariously through me. You're living my married-to-a-frenchman dream! Can I live vicariously through you, too? :)