It appears that Emmanuel is not as eager to go on a second date as I had hoped, a fact I picked up on when he stopped returning my e-mails (because I'm perceptive like that), and Gabriel is canceling dates before he's even met me. And I know why. You know why? Karma.
For the last week I have been ignoring Benjamin's e-mails and Aidan's text messages, which technically makes me a terrible person, I realize, or at least I'm beginning to realize, ever since karma started kicking my ass. But how do you tell someone that although he is very nice, normal, and completely inoffensive, you don't feel the pressing need to ever see him again? And on the other hand, how do you tell someone that you think you've given it a fair shot already, and you don't need a fourth opportunity to confirm what you think you already know (aka that he's boring, a bit pretentious, and has an unnatural love for tea?) And so I've been avoiding the situation, hoping that if I ignore it it will go away. So far, it's worked. That is, until karma came in to the picture. It makes perfect sense: two boys that I'm ignoring, swiftly followed by two boys who are ignoring me. What comes around goes around right? Or is that the flu?
It's not that I'm incapable of being straightforward with men. I sent my Norwegian date, Dag, a "thanks, but no" e-mail that prompted him to respond, "Wow, that was the nicest rejection I've ever received!" I don't think there's a sarcastic bone in his body, so I'm pretty sure he meant it. Of course, this is the man who prefaced our date with an e-mail "warning" me that he had gained a bit of weight since his pictures were taken and indicating that if I wanted to be let off the hook, now was the time. I was mildly pissed. I mean, this was a trap, right? There was no way I could cancel the date now, but if he felt the need to warn me in advance, we must be talking a significant amount of weight, right? And to think that all of this could be avoided if everyone posted representative pictures of themselves in the first place. So I went on the date not knowing what I was getting into. Would he ride a scooter? Would he have to wear a muumuu? I met him for sushi, and honestly...he was fine. Like...fine. He was a big man all around, 6'2", broad-shouldered, and, ok, maybe a bit of a belly, but honestly, the only thing that said "fat man" about him was the sheen of sweat on his face when he arrived. (Which was enough of turnoff for me. Because while I can handle fat, I have a hard time dealing with sweat). It quickly became apparent that whatever his physical condition, he probably had some self-esteem issues, and that, along with our failure to "click," prompted me to e-mail my polite refusal of a second date. His response confirmed my theory: "Is it the belly? It's the belly, right? I've gotta work on getting rid of that thing! But the food is just so good here, ha ha..." I responded that he had to give me a little more credit; I'm not that shallow. His response?
"For the record, I myself *am* that shallow. And while I may feel on an intellectual level that such things shouldn't matter so much there is no denying that I have serious doubt whether I'd ever be sexually attracted to a girl as overweight as myself."
Lord help the woman who marries him and bears his child, which, as I hear, requires one to gain a signficant amount of weight for several months at a time. I don't care that you just gave birth, honey, you better get your ass on a treadmill and lose that baby weight, before your husband leaves you for a skinnier woman. I decided his e-mail wasn't worthy of a response, so I didn't tell him that I had dated and actually had sex (gasp!) with men fatter than him. (Ok, so by men I mean man, and by fatter I mean as fat. Also, he was bald. And a cheater and a pathological liar! Man, can I pick 'em. But the point here (ahem), is that no one will ever accuse me of being shallow).
I've clearly had more than my fair share of bad dating luck, leading me to wonder if I wasn't some kind of sadistic uber-bitch in a past life. So the question now is, how do I get my karma back on track? Do I hang around street corners, waiting for little old ladies who need help crossing, or hope that there will be a cat in a tree that needs rescuing? Or do I break down, e-mail Benjamin and Aidan, and tell them that though I had fun, I just don't think we're a match?