Thursday, November 13, 2008

Why I used to think falling off the wagon was a metaphorical expression

If stumbling-down drunks can teach us anything, it's perhaps that you should never, under any circumstances fall down an up escalator. Fall down a down escalator if you must, as eventually your body will land in a sad and crumpled heap at the bottom, but unfortunately this is not the case with an up escalator. Fall down an up escalator and your body will tumble down, yes, only to be carried up again, until you try to right yourself and fall again, eventually achieving the perfect ratio of upward and downward propulsion so that essentially you are tumbling head over heels over and over again, and yet you will remain in exactly the same place. It's a freakish trompe l'oeil that seemingly defies the laws of gravity and will cause mothers to clap their hands over their children's eyes in horror. (Someone did eventually come to the stumbling-down drunk man's aid, helping him up the escalator to, I don't know, pass out on a bench somewhere).

Actually, a better lesson here is that if you are so stumbling-down drunk that you are unable to remain upright under your own volition, maybe you should consider taking the elevator. (I'm just saying).

(Today's post brought to you by your favorite jaded and stone-hearted diarist, who was actually quite traumatized by the ordeal).


  1. ahhh... this scares me! dont you remember that lady when we were in hs who died on the metro escalator? she died rach. dont drink and escalate.

  2. You are the living proof of what we say in France: Le ridicule ne tue pas !

  3. Do I have to mention that this was not in fact me, falling down the escalator, but rather some stumbling-down drunk guy that I witnessed? Hence my references to "him" and the fact that I am cold-hearted, since I am writing about his misfortune. Just wanted to make clear!

    (I am a very ambulant drunk).

  4. Oops, I'm sorry, I guess I read too quickly and so "me" instead of "him".
    So this guy is the leaving proof then!