Saturday, November 8, 2008

Why I don't want to get out of bed

What do you do when someone tells you something about yourself, that while possibly true, is so deeply unkind that it takes your breath away? Do you initially curl into a protective ball of dazed confusion, trying to fend off more blows while evaluating the depths of the injury? Is it a mere flesh wound? Do you shake it off, walk it off, put a band-aid on it, go to bed? And then, once in bed, does the righteous anger build, slowly spreading through your body like a fire, the flames licking at your face, your chest, your fingers and toes? Will you survive it, will it leave scars? The morning after when you open your eyes to the faint strip of blue beyond the shades, will you remember? Will it all come screaming back like a bad dream, or will a night spent in sleep act as a balm and lesson the sting?

This is what happens when you open yourself up to someone without extracting promises first. I will tell you this but you have to promise not to hurt me. Please sign on the dotted line. You may think that in the sharing of confidences this is implied, but it is not. If the proper procedure is not followed, everything you say can and will be used against you. It will be your fault. You will say, this is what happened to me. You will say, this is what happens when love falls apart. He will say this: Men do not want a sad woman. And deep down, you are truly unhappy. Men can feel this. I saw it, even before. He will say that he is helping. He will say it is because he cares. He will think that now you will commence to be happy, now that you can see, as he does. He will say that it is a choice, and that there is a switch you can flip. Happy/sad. Sad/happy. On/off, light/dark, flip/flop. But it doesn't work that way. Instead of making you happy, the sadness becomes more profound. It has been verified, authenticated, the words give it weight and make it real. You carry this weight around with you and now you feel naked, unmasked, because it's no longer a secret, and you realize that everyone else can see it, too.

And then it gets worse, though you didn't think that it could, when you come home and he tells your other roommate (when he thinks you can't hear) that he has said things that have hurt you, though he says it without remorse, and then you only catch snippets, but it sounds like ...helpful for me because now I know what I want...what I don't want...I need a woman who's really passionate... And you realize the whole thing hasn't really been about you, at all, but that your life, your hopes, your frustrations, and yes, your sadness, have been appropriated by someone else as an exercise in their own self-discovery.

And what is the response to that?


  1. The response is that you tell me where he parks his car so that I can come cut his brake line.

    Kidding. I guess.

    Rachel, you ARE passionate. Are you sad? Sure, sometimes. Do you feel deeply? Absolutely. But that's not a bad thing. Not many men would truly want to be with some kind of Stepford wife. You are lovely and talented and intelligent, and that simply puts you out of the league of the guys who would rather sit around and scratch their man bits than have a deep conversation. Maybe that narrows your dating pool a bit, but I think it just means that when you DO meet the right man, it will be that much more special.

  2. Yeah, what Jane said. Fuck that guy. People like to say that the best revenge is happiness, but I like to think the best revenge is taking a can of tuna fish and pouring the juice between his mattress and boxspring, so that the smell will fester and he'll have no idea where/why it's coming from. Just a thought.

  3. Jane, you make me smile (with a tiny tear in the corner of my eye), and Georgia, you make me laugh. A lot.

  4. Rachel, believe me when I tell you this is ALL ABOUT HIM. Seriously.

    the fact is, he pulls that sad side out of you-- that is what HE brings to the equation.

    You are passionate and have the FULL capacity for joy and delight and happiness-- and, like most of us, find it easiest to reach those states of being when surrounded by people who ALSO have a full capacity for joy and delight and fun.

    So-- stay away from driphead-- he is not bringing any good energies to you, in fact, he aligns you with your own worst voices. Instead, seek out people who are not judging assholes (whoops, sorry, that slipped in) and who carry light with them.

    Your inner light will respond to theirs and things will feel much better.

    Remember, we are not ONE anything-- we are complex, layered human beings-- choose not to accept his negative, unkind, unhelpful bleck.

    It made HIM feel better to say this to you-- to make YOU be to blame for whatever didn't work in the relationship-- what a dick.

    oops, there I go again. better stop here.

    Bisous, bluepoppy

  5. the depths of male stupidity never cease to amaze me. this guy is clearly special ed. i love you and know how happy inside, outside, left side, right side you are. he obviously has never run around in the ran or served wine in a tent or written articles about bean boys. i say we mess with his tooth brush when i get there.

  6. I read this post and cried because I have dated this man before, recently. They honestly believe that if they can hold up this pretense that they are not REALLY hurting you by not telling you the truth (but telling everyone else) then you will just drift away and they can get off scott free. But what they don't understand is that they will never meet someone so passionate and deeply caring as we are. Some day they will look back and realize what gross morons they are (or not!!) at which point it will be too late. Take heart in knowing that you have loved deeply and truly and there are so many people too afraid to feel so passionately. That is truly living.

    Also bear in mind that you have a whole slew of people who are willing to "accidentally" key his car and you will never be suspected. That's worth a million. ;)