Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Why tofu never tasted so sweet

In spite of Erin's warning tale, I have taken a shot at my own "Missed Connection" missive:
O Whole Foods guy,
your name is Guy,
I don't know why,
but I think your eyes
are the nicest eyes
I've ever spied
on a Whole Foods guy.

They are not blue,
but a brownish hue,
and I admit it's true
I would even buy
overpriced deli tofu
just to talk to you,
O hunky Whole Foods Guy.

O Whole Foods Guy,
or is it Guy?
as in "oui oui,
j'adore ce Whole Foods Guy."
How can I make you see
that you're my favorite employee?
O helpful Whole Foods Guy.

I would walk a mile
just to see your smile,
and I linger a while
when I'm in your aisle.
I want to say hi
but I'm too shy,
so I just sigh.

O hunky, handsome, helpful Whole Foods Guy!

So tell me, would you be flattered if an anonymous someone posted bad poetry about you on the Internet? Or would you be more...creeped out? And what is the proper next line after "I'll have a pound of sesame tofu, please?" (Seeing as how, "Oh, and by the way, do you have a girlfriend, or a boyfriend for that matter?" sounds a bit incongruous).

Now I remember why I got into online dating in the first place. Because online, they really do wear signs that say "single." If only life in the deli aisle could be as clear-cut.

Now if you'll excuse me, I think I just developed a craving for macaroni salad...


  1. You are AWESOME!!!!!

    PS. He should be totally flattered!

  2. Frankly, I'd be a little creeped out. Depends, really, on how bad the poetry is. If it know, I won't even go there.

    Of course, this coming from the person who, when he was crushing on this girl who worked in the campus grocery store, bought about $1.32 million in groceries he didn't need. On the other hand, I just last week finished the last of the bar-b-que Pringles I bought then.

    Hmmm. Maybe the reason she never went out with me was that she didn't like the Pringles.


  3. Ok, so far we have one vote for I am awesome, and one vote for I am a stalker. This is good, keep 'em coming!

  4. Maybe it's the poetry...Mark me down as voting "creepy." I say ask him in real life, in human person. Do it! Do it!

  5. you're only a stalker if he doesn't like you back

  6. so since you're stalking this other guy, does that mean the do-over date with james flopped?

  7. Ok, so I'm only a stalker if he doesn't like me back, or, in this case, if he doesn't know I exist. As far as asking him out in, that's never going to happen. This poem was my strongest effort. Ah well.

    So the James thing...Well obviously I wasn't able to write much about it as it was happening, but no, it didn't work out. Which I kind of suspected, since there was a reason we didn't contact each other for two months after our first first date. He's an awesome guy, though, and I wish him luck.

  8. from warning tales to encouraging comments...I say that you have the chutzpah to make this happen. My vision is of you saying--as he hands you the sesame tofu, "I wouldn't mind a slice of you too, while you're at it."

    As that scenario is unlikely, and fyi, the majority of the missed connections in Philly are directed at whole foods employees or co-patrons, you may have to find your own comfort zone of making a classy pass in person. Whatever happens, please heed my advice about returning to the scene of the shame. Avoidance only gives the power to some one else. Love you!