Knock knock jokes that left me scratching my head in bewilderment:
(You know the drill).
Gorilla your dreams.
Wait...Gorilla...your dreams? The fuck?
I think perhaps they have the wrong animal. Gopher. Gopher your dreams, now that makes sense, right? But, gorilla? I want to know who's responsible for editing this piece of shit.
Rudolph the Fresno reindeer.
This one...I have no explanation for this one. I've been turning it over in my head every which way, and I've still got nothing. Who is this Fresno reindeer knocking at the door? And why won't anyone let him in? Maybe it's a West Coast thing. Are there any Californians out there who can explain this to me?
After becoming thoroughly disgusted with what passes for children's entertainment these days, I waited in line to pay for my now ready prescription. I must have inhaled a piece of dust, or asbestos or something, because something tickled in my throat, and I gave a half-hearted cough. The man behind me in line jumped on this like a cheetah on an injured gazelle, saying, heartily, "So, what are you in for?" in this tone of imagined solidarity, a sort of we're all in this together brand of false kinship.
My first thought was, "Did that line sound suave and cool when you heard it in your head? And did it suddenly turn very creepy and all kinds of wrong when it came out of your mouth? Because I am waiting in line at the pharmacy for my prescription, my private, confidential prescription, and there are so many possible answers to your question, and none of them are good. What if I had diarrhea, huh? Or a yeast infection? Or fucking staph infection of the eye? And I know I'm looking cute and vulnerable right now with my sad, Bambi-like dilated pupils, but I just heard you give your birthdate of 1962, which makes you at least 15 years too old for me, sir, so let's not get all chummy and conspiratorial over the sordid details of our respective medical histories."
And though I replied with something along the lines of a mumbled, "Not much," and went back to studiously inspecting my fingernails, now I know what I should have said. "Gonorrhea." Ba dum bum.
Now there's a punchline that's funny every time. Children's book editors take note.
Have a great day, everyone. Work hard, do a good deed, tell someone you love them, and most of all, don't forget to get out there and gorilla your dreams.