Thursday, February 14, 2008

Why 'news-worthy' sinks to a whole new low, aka I could probably tell Julie Chen a thing or two myself

Just in time for everyone's favorite heart- and flower-filled holiday: Breaking news from our CBS news correspondent Julie Chen, who informs us that douchebags are everywhere, even on Match.com!





I think he's just misunderstood, don't you?


I mean, with an IQ like his, we mere peons probably can't grasp the intricate nature of his complex thought patterns. And he did go to an Ivy-League school, after all, and we know that only first-class citizens and all-around good guys come out of there.

Actually ladies, now that he's universally mocked and reviled, it might be the ideal time to snag yourself a pink-shirted, silver-suspendered, overly-moussed, BMW-driving, MENSA card-carrying, bench-pressing, fancy lunch-having model/actor. That is, if you can stomach the bile that rises in your throat every time he speaks. Or blinks. Or exists.

But don't get ahead of yourself, ladies. After all, he lives in a secure building, so even if you can make it past the doorman, you'd better hope the elevators are working, or you'll be hoofing it up 31 flights of stairs to his Buckhead high-rise condominium. (I personally am not sure what a Buckhead condominium is, but I'm sure many of my worldier, savvier readers do, and are duly impressed).

Strike while the iron is hot, ladies. After all, it's not often one comes across someone of his caliber. (Although, why do I get the feeling that in his case caliber is just another way of saying small penis? But hey, what's a tiny dick in the grand scheme of things, when what's really important is that every night you'll be sharing stimulating, intellectual conversation together. And working out together. Wearing pink together. Gazing adoringly in the mirror together). And I don't mean to be hasty here, but I think I speak for all of us when I say, John Fitzgerald Page, will you marry us?

(Thanks Tom, for sharing this).

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone. And no matter how you choose to celebrate or who you may (or may not) share this day with, just watch this video and remember - it could always be worse.

5 comments:

  1. What? You don't have criteria and standards? :)

    Beloved R, I may have done this before, but, on behalf of every male in America, once again I'm sorry. I simply had no idea. My ability to be astounded is now forever stunted. If this is what is out there for women, then perhaps you all should just live in communes, grow organic crops, and have babies in vitro. Because although I have made an ass of myself on too many occasions to recall, I never, ever did it in front of millions and believed I was the one who was wronged. My IQ never was as high as my condo in the sky, I guess.

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  2. This is hilarious.... what next??? LOL
    Barb

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  3. oh god, this is why i cringe when i am near wall street type people at a bar. the sad thing is, he is living what has become the american dream- not one care about making the world better, or helping people- a grown man who is materialistic to his core. its gross.

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  4. What a douche! I would LOVE to live in Buckhead (a hipster, much safer area about 5 min from Atlanta) but I think having him as my neighbor would make me move. Not that I could afford a secured bldg in Buckhead, or anywhere.

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