Thursday, January 31, 2008

Why googling is only half the battle

I'm sure there are many reasons why people come to this site. But really, now that I think about it, I actually have no idea why people come to this site. Is it my meticulous attention to grammar and punctuation? Voyeurism? That minty-fresh taste? Inquiring minds want to know. However, it has come to my attention that certain people have very specific reasons for coming here. There are certain people who arrive here in my little corner of the Internet, disoriented, dazed and confused, and all because their favorite search engine told them to. And, lo, these naive and trusting souls bowed down before the gods of Google, and they complied. And instead of a handshake, a cup of tea and a warm howd'ya do, what do these people get? Nothing! I'd like to offer a hearty apology to these befuddled visitors left scratching their heads and wondering how the Internet has managed to steer them so wrong. They came here looking for answers, and after all, they took the time and effort to click my link, and so I think it's only fair and just that I help them, don't you? It is in this spirit of conciliation and reciprocity that I would like to dedicate today's post to these wanderers, these inquisitors, these weary nomads of the Internet. Accordingly, I present to you my very own Answers to Life's Important Questions. Let's get on with it, shall we?

Q: Why do I cum so fast since I am a girl?

A: First of all, are you sure you're a girl? Check again.

Sure? Ok. If you're a girl and you come easily, you're obviously doing it wrong. You have to make him work for it, you know? Plus, it's always good to have something to throw in his face during a totally unrelated argument: "Oh yeah, well you never made me come!" Trust me, there's no comeback for that. I mean, look at Victorian women; they weren't allowed to even say the word orgasm. And do you think any of them ever had to take the trash out or exit a carriage unassisted? I don't think so. Next time you find yourself in a situation where you find yourself close to orgasm, try these simple techniques: think about baseball, or your grandmother. Quick, what's the square root of pi? With a little bit of practice you should soon find yourself happy, healthy, and orgasm-free. You're welcome.

Q: Is it true broken bones can tell when it's going to rain?

A: There's an old Indian proverb that says:

If bone is warm, it's sunny.
If bone is wet, it's raining.
If bone is white, it's snowing.
If you can't see bone, it's foggy.

Of course, there's another line of thought that goes something like this: If your bone has ruptured the skin and is exposed to the elements, please, for the love of god, get that fixed and check the weather on the Internet like everyone else.

Q: Boobs.

A: Can you phrase that in the form of a question, please?

Q: Boobs?

A: Ah, yes. Boobs. You know, that reminds me of a story my parents used to read to me when I was a child. It went something like this:

One boob, two boobs,
Old boobs, new boobs.

This one has a little star.
This one has a little car.
Say! What a lot of boobs there are.

Yes. Some are pink. And some are blue.
Some are old. And some are new.
Some are sad.
And some are glad.
And some are very, very bad.

Why are they sad and bad and glad?
I do not know.
Go ask your dad.

Some are thin.
And some are fat.
And some are very, very flat.

From here to there,
from there to here,
funny boobs are everywhere.

Oh me! Oh my!
Oh me! Oh my!
What a lot of boobs go by.

Thus, in answer to your question, yes. And no. However.

Q: Why hasn't he called?

A: Oh, dearie. Dearie, dearie, dearie dear. This is a tough one. There are so many possible reasons why he hasn't called you, but the most important thing to remember is that none of them have absolutely anything whatsoever to do with you. You are perfect in each and every way! You are a peach and a gem and a real find. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about. Just look at you! With your smooth skin and shiny, pretty hair. And smart! I bet your mother tells you all the time how pretty and smart you are. There, you see? It must be true. As I said, there are any number of reasons why he hasn't called, which once again, have nothing at all to do with any inadequacies on your part. These reasons are myriad and labyrinthine, and may include (but are not limited to) the following:

a) his phone is broken.
b) your phone is broken.
c) hit by a bus.
d) diabetic coma.
e) arrested for pirating dvd's.
f) playing it cool.
g) brainwashed by Scientologists.
h) accidentally severed dialing finger while biting into a hamburger.
i) playing Wii.
j) hates his phone voice.
k) got a bad haircut and is waiting for it to grow out.
l) crack.
m) pilgrimage to Mecca.
n) fingers are too fat for keypad and is waiting for arrival of specially-ordered dialing wand.
o) helper monkey ran away.
p) too upset by writer's strike to go on living.
q) secretly gay.
r) too busy blogging about you.
s) knitting (he actually said "I'll shawl you").
t) the voices told him not to.
u) flesh-eating bacteria.
v) secret other girlfriend taking up a lot of his time.
w) rehab.
x) loves you but isn't "in love" with you.
y) pirahnas.
z) he's Superman.

Now I know my ABCs, next time won't you notbeajerkand call me please...

Well, that's it for today's edition of Answers to Life's Important Questions (also known by its full title: Just, Unequivocal, Sincere and True Answers to Life's Important Questions, aka JUSTALIQ). If you have a question you would like to be featured in next week's edition of JUSTALIQ, please submit it to diaryofwhy at gmail dot com.

Au revoir, et à bientôt!

7 comments:

  1. So funny! That exact post is the reason I come here. Thanks.

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  2. Ahh, the sweet taste of success. :)

    Glad you liked it!

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  3. More to add for question # 4:

    aa) still in love with ex-girlfriend.
    bb) thought you were going to call first and now it's been a week and what lame ass calls after a week?
    cc) Mom told him he could do better (he can't).
    dd) pining for girl at work who lent him a stapler last week.
    ee) very busy with his part time job of resume writing (tis the season!).
    ff) virus; common cold, stomach, avian flu, herpes, computer varieties. All at once.
    gg) wants to spend Friday night alone.
    hh) wants to catch up on Warcraft chronicles.
    ii) catching up on Netflix queue.
    jj) enjoys the "chase."
    kk) running Clinton's campaign (no one sleeps till November 5th!).
    ll) has been drunk since the night you met.
    mm) has given up dating for lent ( early).
    nn) if he called you, he would have to kill you.
    oo) married.
    pp) his head is in someone's freezer.
    qq) lost license, doesn't want to pick you up at the bus stop.
    rr) trying to become fluent in french before you meet again.
    ss) tested positive for a new std.
    tt) washing hair, has headache and/or pms.
    uu) thought YOU didn't like HIM.
    vv) joined monastery.
    ww) just 10 more lbs to go!
    xx) it's Super Bowl weekend and he's a Giants fan living in Boston- so many cars to TP, so little time.
    yy) in a gutter somewhere.
    zz) Angelina Jolie did in fact give him the time of day (but just that once while in the subway).

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  4. Why are your posts not compiled and bound in a book making you oodles of money?

    This -- this post and this entire blog -- is writing at its best.

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  5. Heeee, Jamie. :) But now I know you're making that all up, because there's no way Angelina Jolie has ever taken the subway in her life.

    And Dawn, if you know any publishers or agents, please feel free to send them my way. :)

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  6. Well, you are smart and pretty, so maybe your mother is right after all. Unhappily for too many women, this combination can be a handicap going in.

    Funny reasons for the disappearing male! But men do not call for only two reasons. Neither reason is particularly flattering to the majority of my gender, which is not known for its constancy and maturity for most of the years between 16 and 30.

    And is it just me, or is this blog turning into something beyond polite discussions of François Villon and French lyric poetry? That's how I found the Diary when I Googled "great French literary works of the Middle Ages." Frankly, it seems as if our author may be suffering from a bout of sexual ... tension ... or something. All this blithe talk of (non)orgasms and whatnot. Just an observation, you understand.

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  7. Check your e-mail in a few minutes...

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