Sunday, January 20, 2008

Why my ass is like the Mona Lisa

I received an e-mail on OkCupid today from a Québecois francophone, wondering if I'd be interested in getting together sometime, maybe speaking some French over a drink. Fantastique, I thought. I labored over my response en français, double-checking my spelling and grammar. I finally clicked send, only to be informed that Monsieur Québecois francophone had taken it upon himself to select three questions that I would be required to answer before my e-mail could be sent. Merde, I thought. Quel hassle. But fine, let's see what we have here...

I opened the first question and sighed. My bristles were already up from him making me jump through hoops, but it got worse: each question was a three-parter, making it essentially nine questions I would have to answer before I could send the e-mail and move on to more important things, namely, lunch. The first question was some b.s. about how you would want your ideal partner to support you if you had a difficult assignment or project. Then, how would your ideal partner answer this question? Then, how important is this question to you? The second question was more of the same. I just want to get some coffee, dude, I thought. Why do I feel like we're already in couples therapy? But fine, whatever. Only one (three-part) question to go and I'm home-free, I thought. And then I read this:

Umm, pardon?

Wait, really? You're serious? I looked for a response to indicate "none of your damn beeswax," or even an "at this rate you're never going to find out," but there was none. Eff this, I thought. I'm not answering this. I tried to bypass it without submitting a response, and this is what it said:


In that case, sorry Monsieur Québecois francophone, you lose. Pas de rendez-vous for you. It's not that I'm a prude, per se, it's just that I like to think of my ass as the Mona Lisa: a work of art, to be sure, and yet inscrutable and shrouded in mystery (or at least until the third date). Plus, I find it un peu bizarre to be discussing la pénétration anale while we're still addressing each other by the more formal vous pronoun.

A word of advice to confused single guys out there: order of operations is important. Asking a girl her deepest most innermost thoughts on anal sex before even meeting her is equivalent to her asking you on a first date how you feel about kids. More specifically how you feel about five kids, and more specifically three girls and two boys and their names all start with J because that's just exactly what I want and I plan on having them all before the age of 36 because I read somewhere that your fertility drops dramatically after that. It's all just premature information.

Premature information! Not as commonly discussed, but just as bad as the...other...premature...thing. A word of advice, guys; just remember the three D's: dinner, drinks, DO NOT TALK ABOUT ANAL SEX. Oh, and the other...thing? Don't do that either. And you should be just fine.

13 comments:

  1. Did we not warn you about playing on the Internet without regard for noun form, tense, or mood? I mean, some men are just out for one thing. I thought you should know that. Et ... je suis sûr que vos fesses sont belles.

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  2. Michel! Mais...tu parles français! Or should I say vous parlez français? This is why English is my first language.

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  3. This. This is why I left my hometown of Montreal after 40 years.

    Well, it's not really the reason I left home (I got married and it turns out I have to actually live where my husband does) but, yeah, you get the point.

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  4. You know, I have to say, that its been a while since I have been the dating pool....and oh my goodness, is this the standard? Asking about anal sex, and how do men honestly think this is acceptable in any way possible. If I were you, I would send that guy that link to your blog. LOL! Let him know what we all think of him. ha ha ha ha......Have a great week Rachel!!!
    xo
    Heidi

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  5. Speak French? Oh, just enough to get around Paris. You know, like "Y a-t-il des vierges ici?" And "Où est mon calendrier?"

    Just kidding! A little high school French, spiced by several trips to France over the years.

    I saw Charles De Gaulle once. In Paris. He was quite old, I was very young. True story.

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  6. So you're saying it's a French-Canadian thing, Dawn? Good to know. I'll steer clear in the future.

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  7. Or maybe it's just a guy thing and I found one of the nice ones? I'm not sure.

    By the way, if you want to speak "proper" French, don't practice with a French-Canadian. Quebecois French is so bastardized that the REAL French (such as in Paris) don't even understand it. Seriously. When I was in Paris and spoke French, they asked me to speak English. I kid you not.

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  8. I have no comment, except it could have been worse. You could have met him for coffee, and he could have asked you in person.

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  9. That's my Grumpy. Always looking on the bright side! :)

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  10. Wait a minute! You "tu"-ed me up there. You can't take it back, which means we're practically engaged, and that means I have conjugal rights. I demand my rights. Nothing will happen prematurely, I guarantee. (At my edge, quite the opposite trend is noted, to be honest.) Anyway, we'll speak to your father at spring break. How many camels would he be wanting for his first-born?

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  11. At my "edge" I've lost my edge and can no longer write English, either, apparently. The word was "age." Which is why the concept of anything's happening conjugally is laughable. Goodby.

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  12. I agree with Grumpy. Sometimes the things guys say might seem like TMI, but it's best to hear about the Crazy early on. I once went on a fairly fun date, but wrote the guy off after he didn't call for a week. Then he called, apologized, and said he had been on a crystal meth binge. As creepy as it was to hear, I figured it was a good thing for me that he didn't have an internal filter.

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  13. Yes, Grumpy does tend to look on the bright side...

    of HELL!

    (i can say that - i'm his sister and I love him!)

    (I'm so reading your entire blog - hope you don't think I'm a stalker :)

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