Saturday, October 6, 2007

Why single is better than crazy

Me: so i'm an idiot. the concert is sold out.
Ex: oh, i totally forgot about that
Me: ah...
Ex: so how's school and everything going?
Me: oh, you know, it's going. working my way through my reading list, i'm on a 4 book a week schedule now
Ex: w4mm
Me: what's that?
Ex: sorry, gibberish
Me: ah, yes. totally meaningless gibberish
Ex: more or less
Me: anyway, i have to go

This is getting ridiculous. I can't even have one normal conversation with the guy. And the thing is, shit like this shouldn't matter now. It shouldn't, it can't matter, and yet it was still a punch in the gut. My body reacted just like it's always done every time something like this would happen, every time he didn't call when he was supposed to, every time I didn't know where he was or who he was with, the time I found a "hey, this isn't my hair" on his pillow, the time I was looking for socks and thought, "but I don't remember leaving pantyhose here." My body's way of dealing with any hint of boyfriend-related impropriety is to break out in convulsive, uncontrollable shivering. Imagine wearing a bathing suit in the middle of a snowstorm. Imagine a fucking epileptic seizure. If I concentrate very, very hard I can make it stop for about five seconds, and then it starts all over again, teeth chattering, hands like ice. The only way to make it stop is to bury myself under mounds of down blanket until I'm overheated and sweaty. When it's finally over I'm exhausted, and every muscle in my body aches. I don't know why this happens; I can't imagine any constructive purpose it could serve. But it's as involuntary as a sneeze. It's like a full-body flinch, as if my body was saying, Oh! Sorry, you frightened me there.

Until last night I hadn't felt that feeling in quite a while. About five and a half months, to be precise. While there is a lot I miss about my life before, I have to say I haven't missed that feeling at all. That, I think I'm turning into a crazy person because this isn't how normal people act feeling.

You don't trust me, he would say. You've never trusted me.

Well can you blame me? I would say. After what I've been through...

I'm not him, he would say. You can't hold me accountable for something someone else did. It's in the past, you need to get over it.

Truly, your capacity for empathy knows no bounds. And besides, you haven't exactly given me reason to trust you.

I have NEVER given you a reason to distrust me.

The only reason you can say that with a straight face is because while my world is black and white, you live in all the gray area in between. You're nothing BUT gray area. Always pushing your limits. Just because you didn't have sex with someone else doesn't mean you're a goddamn hero. What you did was completely inappropriate, and that's putting it lightly. Those e-mails you sent that you didn't think I would find...And yeah, I do consider it cheating, so there. Wanted to make new friends, my ass. And you wonder why I can't trust you? Believe me, I wish I could. It's all I want in the whole world. To know I'll never have to feel that sick, shaky, losing-my-mind feeling again.

(And this is where, in the imaginary conversation in my head, he breaks down and begs my forgiveness, saying of course he knows it was wrong, so wrong, and he doesn't deserve to live let alone be loved by me, but if I could just find it in my heart to forgive him it would be more than he ever deserved, and of course it goes without saying that it will never happen again).

((Obviously, in real life this part never took place. And it did happen again. And yet I continued to date him. Yeah, um, I don't know either)).

And now, for the first time in years, I'm finally living without jealousy or suspicion. I have to admit...I kind of like it. I also have to wonder...are relationships even possible without all that other shit? I hear about these magical, fairy tale, so-healthy-it-makes-you-want-to-puke relationships, but I'm not sure if they only exist in urban legend. Because the only relationships I've ever known have involved gray areas and mind-fucks, and huddling under blankets alone and shaking in the middle of the night.

What do you think? Can relationships be healthy? Can you ever completely trust someone else?


  1. When I was younger though a bit older than u are now, I had an ex with whom my pulse would race and with whom I would feel sick and awful, depending upon the moment. It wasnt exhilirating, but it was somehow difficult to shake. Eventually, I cut her off and we stopped talking entirely. Until that point, even post break up, talking as exes was really debilitating.

    Relationships can be health. I trusted my ex fully. I mean, did I always know what she was thinking. No, of course not. But I always trusted how she would behave. If you can't how can you feel comfortable.

  2. i stumbled upon your blog through sheer accident, but your writing is very absorbing. i know this post is a few months old, but boy do i empathise!

    you WILL get over this - i promise you. and there really are healthy relationships; i have finally found one, and it is truly amazing. i really believed that it just wasn't possible, that my insecurities wouldn't allow it, that my past wouldn't allow it. but my guy understands all of that completely and does everything in his power to make me feel safe.

    a part of me is scared i'll sabotage it - i tried once, but he fought for me, and our relationship has been getting stronger ever since - but we each of us have to accept ourselves and our flaws. should we let those flaws - those terrible past experiences, the insecurities - rule us? no, but we shouldn't hate ourselves for them either.

    all the best to you, and keep writing!