Monday, October 8, 2007

Why I'm still single, probably

I started dating J in May 2002. We broke up in January 2004, and by May I was dating J2. What I'm saying is, this is the longest I've been single in a long time. Also, after breaking up with J1, I grieved, started dating again, and found someone new all in the span of four months. You hear that universe? I'm due.

Also I'm thinking that the next guy I date probably shouldn't be a J. And it would be lovely if, one day after we're married, the intials on my monogramed luggage didn't spell RAT or RAD. Now that I'm thinking about it, other intial combos I would like to avoid are RAG, RAM, and RAW (though I've lived with this one my whole life so far. Someone save me, please). ((My inner feminist is begging me to please reconsider that last sentence, but I told her to shut up and go eat some chocolate)).

Since I've gotten this far, and in the interest of verbalizing of desires leading to fulfillment of desires, I might as well specify what and who exactly I'm looking for. (Listen up, Universe). Here it is, laid out in official and ad-like detail:


Requirements for position:
  1. Please be 6'2" or taller as client would like to feel dainty in heels. Must be in possession of a body that could be at least loosely described as "athletic" and a full head of hair for purposes of running fingers through.
  2. See aforementioned first and last initial restrictions. Jeremys, Johns, and Josiahs need not apply. Candidates named Andy or Ben are particularly encouraged to submit an application.
  3. The client seeks an asthetically-pleasing applicant qualified to appeal to a discerning and appreciative eye. The ideal candidate may be described by some as "hot."
  4. (Not "hot" in the physical sense of body temperature, although warm hands are always encouraged and appreciated, particularly when applied in mitten-like fashion to the dainty and chilled hands of the client).
  5. As the client is tired of dealing with boys and man-children, the candidate's age should typically fall within the 28-35 range.
  6. The ideal candidate should be able to demonstrate intelligence, generosity, humor, and strength of character, as well as exhibit signs pointing to excellent fatherhood potential.
  7. Ability to work in Microsoft Office offer unprompted foot rubs a must.
  8. Candidates that could be described as flakes, liars, commitment-phobes, or those with secret other girlfriends need not apply.

Well, that's it, that pretty much everything I'm looking for. Let's just see what we have here...Gentlemen? If those of you who are left could please step forward...Hello? Hello???

Hey...Where did everybody go?


  1. bet he shows up now! keep your lipstick at the ready . . .



  2. Inner feminist? Yeah, that one always cause trouble.