Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Why I don't know why I even try

So, after the resounding success (aka a tree falls in the forest) of my last post on unsuccessful virtual come-ons, I decided, why not give the people what they want, which is obviously more unsuccessful virtual come-ons.

And so, I bring you one more in the series of E-mails from Totally Inappropriate Suitors. Let's dive in, shall we?

E-mail #1:

Have you ever gotten the feeling that writing to strangers over the internet is like playing a really difficult video game where you only have one life?

There's a lot of pressure to convey all the necessary things: not a weirdo, casualness, being interesting, showing off positive qualities, etc. All in one message! It's a monumental task and I don't think I'm going to even attempt to accomplish it.

Aww...did you write this e-mail just for me? I can tell by the way it's so personal and heart-felt.

So the truth is, I just moved to Cambridge, and my friend showed me your page.

Your friend sounds like a nice guy. Is he single?

I don't want to be one of those million other guys on the internet that send gross messages to girls, but a lot of the things you have on your page are my favorite things too!

Really?! Which ones? Wait, that's the end of the e-mail?

Well, nameless guy, I just don't know. We have so much in common and yet...I find something lacking. Maybe one day we'll meet, after we've both been reincarnated as video game characters, and we have as many lives as we need to get the introduction right. Until then...

E-mail #2:

Hey there! My name is E.J., and you look so very beautiful! Acually you look soooo hot that you could start a forest fire! And that is the truth! Anyhow, I would very much like to here from you! Even if we would only be friends, then that will be ok with me! E.J.

Wow, E.J., I'm blushing. But let's get serious; forest fires are no laughing matter. They are devestating and catastrophic and wreak havoc on the ecosystem. My last boyfriend died in a forest fire. While I am indeed flattered by your remarks, let's all remember that, as everyone knows, hotness doesn't start forest fires. Smokey the Bear does.

Unfortunately, E.J., I'm going to have to pass. I hope you understand.

E-mail #3 from Christopher, 33 in Cambridge (bisexual, polyamorous)

When I looked at your pictures, I actually suspected we'd make good friends. I wonder what will happen when we meet? Good conversation, if I'm any judge of anything.

Really, Christopher? You could tell all that just from looking at my pictures? Because the only thing I could tell from your pictures is that the only way I'd recognize you in a coffee shop is if you came at me ass-first. And naked. Because while the picture of your face is dark and grainy, the shot of you sprawled sunny-side up on your bed is crystal clear.

And oh, bisexual and polyamorous? My, aren't you ambitious. That's like, doubling your options to the infinitieth power, isn't it? Why don't you just simplify things and change your profile to, I want to sleep with you. And you...and you and you and you!!!

Alas, Christopher. Perhaps we might have shared good conversation, but I fear it wasn't meant to be.

E-mail #4 from Mike, 35, in Bedford

Hi,If you would like to meet someone new... here I'am

Well, this sounds intriguing. Let's check out the profile...

I'm in the mid 30's, married and from Switzerland. I'm in Boston for vaccation and to have a good time. I'm looking for a woman who likes to show me Boston from it's best. A woman who likes to talk and have good conversations.

Wait, married? I didn't sign up for meeting married guys. What a jerk. But wait...perhaps he's just looking for good conversation, like he said. Let's keep reading :

The most private thing I'm willing to admit here :
- I didn't had sex the last 30 months

Yes, conversation. Totally in it for the conversation.

You should message me if :
- you like to talk to a non US Citizen - you like to meet a man not a boy - you like to show an alien Boston from it's best

Whoa, whoa wait...aliens??? I definitely didn't sign up for that. Well, this totally confirms my belief that aliens do exist and are living among us, but really, shouldn't they have their own dating website? (Oh wait, they do. Though those ladies don't really look like aliens...They must be undercover, like in Men in Black).

Well, "Mike," unfortunately I don't think I'm progressive enough to help you out. But good luck, my alien friend, and godspeed.

Well hey, look, it's a woo! From a 26m and f from Manchester, NH. Wait, what's a m and f? Profile says...

We have been married for almost seven years.

Wait, married, again? What is with you people?

For the last several years we both wanted to try it with another woman.

Um, "it?" Could you be more specific?

We are looking for a FWB, the one we could spend time together (BBQ, hiking, camping, Friday night pizza, movie).

Oh, well I love movies! And pizza! Although I'm confused by the FWB. Hmm...Flat...White...Bitch? Hey, in that case, I'm just the girl for you! Unless it means Female With Boobs, in which case I'm out of luck.

If you don't have any experience in this, it's even better - all of us would feel more comfortable with one another. But if you have some experience (but not too much), it's fine too.

Ok, so just to make sure I have this straight...You're looking for some kind of female, although with or without boobs we aren't sure, who has prior hiking, camping, and pizza-eating experience, but not too much hiking, camping, and pizza-eating experience. Well, I must admit, I am intrigued, but unfortunately I'm just not sure if I comply with your strict and admittedly confusing criteria. Let me think about it, and I'll get back to you.

Well, that's all for today, folks! Please cast your votes now for Most Ridiculously Unsuitable Guy! (aka MR. UG). Submissions continue to pour in from new contestants at an alarming rate, so this contest may go down to the wire. Check back often for updates!


  1. Stumbled on the blog and now, Im posting. I never post. Except on my sisters blog. Maybe its something about females writing in massachusetts. Dunno.

    Anyway, this was funny. The one started with was tragic. Maybe blogger should give an option to display posts in the reverse, so that new readers can go back to the beginning. Whaddya think?

  2. looking at this comment, now see why i dont comment.

  3. Hilarious! I love your witty comments accompanying the guys letters!! More, more!