Saturday, September 1, 2007

Why, cupid?

I've discovered a new (free!) dating website. I say "discovered" as if I'm the Indiana Joan of the online dating world, however, according to the millions of already established users, it appears that I'm the last one to the party again, as usual. I've made my way around several online dating websites at this point, so it's no small thing when I say that there's a lot I love about this site: the fun (and addictive) quizzes, the profile format, the system of algorithms that gives you a percent match with any other user that actually seems fairly legit (unlike some others that I've come across that are complete bunk). My one complaint is that at this point, I haven't yet found one suitable guy on this site. There are plenty of men, yes, and I have been contacted by quite a few, however, they are so far from anything I would consider remotely dateable...well, let me give you some examples.

E-mail #1:
you are tall
do you like shorter sexy dwarf men?


Email #2:
Subject: hit here

Hit where? Oh my god, is he a masochist? Does he want me to spank him? Ohhh....hi there. Gotcha. Well, after that excitement, the ho hum nonchalance of his one line e-mail ("looking for friends in the Cambridge area") just isn't doing it for me. Next.

E-mail #3 from the 52 year-old in southern Maine:
Hello; how are you?

Fine; thanks; how are you?

I live in southern, ME, therefore, close enough I hope you agree.

No, actually, I really don't.

You teach French; wow; languages are so hard to me.

As evidenced by your confusion and haphazard placement of commas and semi-colons.

In most areas, I'm fairly intelligent, though.


Love to get to know you,
PS: you're very pretty!

Dude, you're old enough to be my father. Eww.

E-mail #4:
(Blah blah blah), you sound neat, (blah blah blah) ping pong, (blah blah blah) brit pop. In conclusion, hooray for cats and gnomes.


E-mail #5:
A 465 word (I counted) rambling treatise from Danny, of which this is but a small taste:

... im lonely.. not in the wierdo way but i mean like i live alone i have tons of freinds and yet still i have a void to fill....I cant uderstand where i go wrong with women i seem to find women that are really egotistical or money hungry and we cant forget to add in the few that are nuts, so yeah i could go out to the bar or clubs... wich i do but not usually to pick up girls anymore... but i guess im hoping this ok cupid thing works and i can find a good women to spend time with

I'm sorry, did you fall asleep there? Me too. But just imagine that after that excerpt, there are still 361 more words to read. Here's a tip: Danny, don't send form letter e-mails. If you do send form letter e-mails, at least try to make it not quite so obvious, and also, not quite so, ahem, ranting. A simple hi and how are you would be fine. Save your manifesto for your profile page where it belongs.

Then there's the 21 year-old guy in Jersey (Hello? Why are you writing me? and everyone else from the mid-west/south/anywhere that's not within 10 miles of Cambridge...I just don't care) who's looking for an older woman with big lips. No, it's not what you're thinking of....just think a little...lower...yes, there you go. Now it is what you're thinking of. And now that you're thinking about it you can't stop thinking about it and aaaiiyeeee! Gah! Make it stop!!!

Ommmmmmmm....*Cleansing, restorative breath.* Ok, I feel better now.

Ok, cupid. This girl has been wooed, winked at, and womanced, er, romanced, but still hasn't met her match. All she's looking for is a little chemistry, and maybe some harmony. Is that so much to ask?

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